Ben Becomes a Compliance Officer - Well, kind of!

In the last episode, Ben got through the internal audit. He began to change his view of Doug Selfrightous, the auditor who seemed to be against him.  Ben was (dare I say it?) even starting to feel sorry (just a little bit!) for these Compliance people!

He had dodged a bullet in regard to the Discretionary account. He knew it. His backup plan to be a whistleblower fell apart when Tina Goodytwoshoes came back. If you haven’t been following along, she is the love of Ben’s life.

“Let me introduce you to Tina Goodytwoshoes; you will be working with her!” said Doug Selfrightous.   “In fact, she will be your boss if you choose to accept this assignment.”

Just like being married, thought Ben!  He could not take his eyes off Tina.  It had been over 14 months, three weeks and two days since he had last seen Tina - not that anyone was counting.  All his resentment about the way she just disappeared seemed to melt away at the sight of her.

“I told you, Ben,” said the inner voice of Calvernicus.  “Just say yes; don’t get cute with me now. This took a lot of setting up.”

“So, let me get this straight,” opened Ben, taking his eyes off Tina. “I come and work for you in compliance as a compliance cop working for Tina, doing exactly what? You forget about the discretionary account, and then we all live happily ever after?"

“Something like that, Ben, but let me set you straight on a few things,” replied Doug.  “We don’t have cops in compliance, so you can forget that for a start. We safeguard our company's ethics and integrity. We give guidance so everyone knows how to do the right thing."

“Not everyone wants to do the right things, though,” said Ben. “Don’t I get a gun or at least a badge like those FDA guys?”

As Doug started to get red in the face, looking as if he was about to explode, Tina spoke for the first time. Doug blew his nose instead. Two short, sharp “bruppps - bruup, bruup!”

He’s not a whistleblower, thought Ben. He is definitely a trumpet player.  Must be because he is so high up in the compliance tree!

“Hi Ben. Listen to me,” said Tina in the angelic voice that Ben remembered so well. “Compliance is not about being a policeman. "It's about helping people work where they feel encouraged to do the right thing. Sometimes we need to investigate, just like Doug and Lizzie did," Tina said.

"Blah, blah, blah," thought Ben. She could have been speaking Arabic for all Ben cared. He was content just to listen to her voice after all this time.

“We sometimes uncover processes or parts of the business that can be better. This helps us provide a more consistent message." You are right in that not everyone wants to do the right thing, and we can’t allow that to continue."

"However, in far more situations, people want to do the right thing, but there are barriers that stop them. We need to identify those barriers and correct them. Does that make sense?” asked Tina.

Ben stopped concentrating—something easy for him—after Tina’s first sentence. He was just listening to her voice. He felt like he should say something profound to keep things going.

“I’ve never thought of it like that. I get it now. Those slogans, like "Speak Up!" and "Compliance is what you do when no one else is listening," make sense. The last one always puzzled me. I mean, you really don’t want to know what I do when no one is watching?"

No one laughed or even smiled. Ben thought it was quite a good comeback.

“You sure I don’t get a gun, even a little one?” Ben persisted. “It would make it so much easier to get the information that you want."

Ben imagined pointing a gun at his archenemy, Penny Promo. He wanted her to reveal what Glen E. Baker and Mr T were up to.

Doug erupted! He jumped up and sent his chair flying back into the wall. “Good God, man, were you born a dumbass, or did you get a special degree to be like that, because you sure as hell are good at it?”

"I knew I'd regret this," he mumbled, rubbing his head like it was the end of the world. "Just give him a chance," he mocked. “He just needs some guidance but is basically a good guy,” he continued. “And all the jelly bean wants is a badge and a gun; and we worry about the FDA, and the Department of Justice?”

“I resent that,” said Ben. “You can’t say things like that, and it's discriminatory to call me a jelly bean!”

“Oh yeah,” retorted Doug, “and what race do the jelly beans belong to, you little dumbass?"

Ben was trying to decide whether to respond to the jelly bean or the dumbass insult when Tina jumped in to save the day.

“Settle down, Doug, it's O.K.! Ben is just a bit overwhelmed. It's probably our fault that we have not really explained things that well,” Interjected Tina.

She continued. “Why don’t you let me spend some time with Ben? I am sure he is going to be a big help to us, and we will all get along just fine,” said Tina, looking at Ben.

Now we're talking, thought Ben to himself. He practically had Tina's clothes off as he had imagined them alone in the office after everyone had gone home.

She wasn’t smiling! Ben sensed he had blown it yet again.

“I’m sorry, you are right, Tina,” said Doug, starting to lose some of the redness from his face.

Ben was just about to open his mouth when Calvernicus stepped in. “Now would be a good time to shut up, Ben, you dumbass jellybean," he said with a chuckle that turned into a belly laugh. “Just keep your mouth shut!”

 Next Episode: Episode 20 – “Compliance 101 and There Ain’t No Love Left in the Pot!”

Till next time,

Calvin