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A Soul's Journey

Crafting a Memoir of Light from Paradise to Purpose

By Neos AlthPublished 6 months ago 16 min read
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Darkness to Light-From the Pure Elements to the Dark Cities

Chapter 1: A Soul Born in Paradise

On November 23rd, 1987, as celestial bodies bearing witness to the unfolding of a profound destiny glittered overhead, I made my fated entrance into this world. Nested serenely on the island of Oahu, Honolulu’s Kapiolani Children’s Hospital provided a tranquil harbor for my arrival, a sacred vessel chosen to receive a soul destined for remarkable earthly and ethereal journeys.

More than merely a tropical locale, Oahu cradled the dawning of my existence within its verdant volcanic peaks, valleys carpeted in rainforest, and mesmerizing turquoise ocean vistas. This island paradise was imbued with a special mana, a vital life force that would leave subtle yet indelible imprints upon my newly awakened senses. Oahu was no ordinary place; it was a nurturing sanctuary specifically designed to shelter the emergence of an extraordinary destiny. Like a hidden cave nourishing the gestation of a butterfly’s chrysalis, this hallowed landscape awaited the unfoldment of a soul whose purpose would later traverse both mundane reality and mystical dimensions beyond ordinary perception.

As I drew those first tentative breaths, seen and unseen forces converged in a delicate dance to confer upon me the blessings and obligations specific to one marked by a spiritual calling. The nurse gently nestled me into my mother’s tired yet loving arms, a weary traveler welcomed home after prolonged trials. Innocently oblivious, an ancient soul met new life, setting into motion a cosmic chain of events destined to touch many.

Though I did not realize it then, the celestial choreography presiding over my birth heralded the arrival of a lightworker - one fated to follow an unorthodox path guided by forces beyond the visible sky. The stars and planets had woven themselves into an unusual tapestry within my birth chart, foretelling my role as a messenger who would one day venture alone into unmapped inner territories seeking hidden keys to wisdom, unearthing overlooked truths and illuminating that which had been obscured by time or human ignorance. The sacred configuration of celestial bodies whispering mysteries from beyond the horizon hinted at a destiny that would challenge boundaries, invite me to dwell ever deeper within the depths of my being, and build bridges between seeming polarities.

From my very first breath, the primal mana or life force pulsing through this land and its native inhabitants began to flow within me as well. This spiritual energy cultivated an abiding bond with the natural world and attuned me to the subtle realms of spirit and consciousness normally concealed from ordinary sight. The spirit of aloha, with its harmonizing message of unity, welcoming, and divine potential embodied equally in all beings, gently began to shape my worldview. In time and often through great trial, I would come to grasp how being born in this particular island paradise had perfectly primed me for the singular destiny of helping heal schisms between opposites, revealing the essential oneness at the core of all creation, and reminding a divided world of the ever-present opportunity that lives within each moment for reconciliation and reunion with our highest truths.

But all this lay in the future. For now, an innocent new soul emerged from the womb of paradise, eyes, and heart wide open, ready to brave the mysteries, wonders, and paradoxes of the human journey.

Chapter 2: An Outsider's Journey Begins

From my earliest memories as a child, I was keenly aware of a vague yet persistent sense of difference, of standing apart from my peers. While others took comfort in the safety of social conformity, I felt an irresistible urge to walk alone, heeding subtle whispers from a source I could not name yet felt as vividly real as my breath.

Even as a young boy, I perceived within and around me, the unmistakable presence of a wise guide and guardian, one who spoke in silence yet affirmed that this soulful solitude was necessary preparation for the unique life purpose intended for me. An inner voice told me softly but insistently that I was not meant to follow the well-trodden path of typical existence, that seeds were even now being planted within the fertile soil of my soul which would require time, care, and the right conditions to mature into their full intended fruition. I was being prepared for a special destiny vastly different than those around me.

Gradually, it dawned on me that mine would be the way of the outlier, the mystic, the wandering minstrel nourished by the breadcrumb trails of wisdom left behind by rarified beings who had walked this road before me. I was the round peg who found no comfort in squeezing into the square holes of convention, dogma, and expectations taken for granted by those around me. The elastic boundaries of social propriety and so-called normality were for me not barriers but rather intriguing portals tempting me to stretch beyond the known into fresh territory. While peers sought certainty in tradition, protocol, and accepting established truths, I was consumed by questions and living inquiries, endlessly enticed by the siren call of the great unknown.

My gentle yet steadfast refusal to blindly parrot the mental narratives and accepted theories of those in authority earned me reactions ranging from mild disapproval to outright ridicule and rejection. Well-meaning guides, teachers, and caretakers shook their heads, bemused by the creative disruptor in their midst. When not being ignored, I was often labeled obstinate, unruly, difficult, daydreamy, strange, and defective. Yet something even closer than breath within me burned steadily, a fiery knowing that compelled me ever onward, embracing isolation not as a curse but as the natural price expected of those who hear the distant call of a higher vocation. Without grasping the full significance, I mutely bore the burden of being different, innocently sustained by an inborn trust in a transcendent purpose beyond my youthful comprehension. In the refining crucible of loneliness, I was slowly forged into strength of spirit, inner resilience, and fiery determination to think for myself instead of through the conditioned filters of the world. Out of the darkness of isolation, like a lotus rooted in mud, emerged clarity of conviction, a childlike loyalty to my own direct experience over outside dogmas, and a heart that could endure short-term tribal exclusion for the sake of truths gently whispered from within.

Chapter 3: A System Set Against Me

Just after my fourteenth birthday, at an age typically marked by opening new vistas of creative vision, powerful forces beyond my control or understanding abruptly steered the unfolding course of my life in a disturbingly sinister direction designed to short-circuit the accruing voltage of my gifts.

You see, formal education had no container for one such as me - creative, quirky, full of questions, diverging from robotic standards of thinking, being, and performing. My nonconformity and persistent longing to learn through direct experience rather than mere information consumption led me to be judged defective, disordered, and dangerous by gatekeepers of the educational system. Without granting me any agency in the process, I was abruptly extracted from public high school and placed without explanation into an invisible parallel system created expressly to identify free spirits like myself early on and recondition our minds through operant and chemical means to conform to state-sanctioned ways of being.

In these hidden enclaves termed “therapeutic boarding schools,” far from the eyes of society, I was subjected to intensive pharmaceutical, psychological, and behavioral interventions designed to methodically subdue my individual will to render me docile, compliant, and obedient to arbitrarily imposed authority.

I discovered later that these facilities served jointly as rehabilitation centers for the difficult cases the courts did not know how to place and as training grounds for techniques of mind control and reality engineering later implemented on mass scales. But at the time, all I knew was that my once-vibrant mind and spirit were being targeted by an agenda I could not name or resist.

I was forced to ingest, inject, or absorb through the skin an ever-changing array of psychoactive chemicals devised to numb my neural receptors, dissolve resistance, cloud my cognition, suppress objection, cut me off from my innate sensitivities, and induce compliance with the commands and arbitrary rules of my assigned guards who called themselves therapists and teachers. Confined within these institutions, stripped of privacy, dignity, and power over my mind and body, I felt my will, passion, and sense of purpose being methodically broken down and strategically rewired through a combination of chemical, emotional, and behavioral interventions based on control, domination, reward, and punishment.

I was pressured both overtly and covertly to adopt thoughts, feelings, behaviors, beliefs, and values reflecting the aims of corporations and power structures behind these systems rather than the truth within my soul. In this dystopian environment disguised as benevolent treatment, medication-induced conformity and obedience to unjust authority became the narrow conditions through which I could earn basic rights and acceptance within the program.

Although never fully successful in occupying my innermost sanctum of spirit, these invasive methods did succeed in significantly diminishing the light of awareness and perception within me. The natural curiosity, imagination, tenderness, and visionary potential characteristic of my younger self faded under clouds of confusion, resignation, and chronic fatigue induced by the daily cocktail of sedative, anti-psychotic, and anesthetizing chemicals I was forced to take. A once bright spirit that had shone with promise learned to minimize the outward expression of light to survive. Yet even when heavily sedated and vulnerable, faint glimmers of my innate sensitivity managed to persist. I sensed immense unseen dimensions hovering just at the edge of conscious perception, realms of reality, and modes of knowing that hinted at transcendent truths not acknowledged by the worldview imposed upon me. Although increasingly obscured by chemical fog, something unutterably essential and powerful in me knew itself untouchable, immortal, silently waiting for the right conditions to re-emerge into conscious expression.

Chapter 4: Grace Finds Me in the Wilderness

After years confined within the numbing belly of the therapeutic/industrial complex had failed to permanently integrate my non-compliant spirit into the rigid procrustean bed of conformity, I was deemed essentially untreatable by the system and banished even further outside the gates of mainstream society, discarded as human junk mail returned to sender.

Ironically, what I had intended as youthful rebellion soon metamorphosed into the unlikely catalyst that initiated the adult phases of my awakening. Sometimes epiphany emerges not from orchestrating ideal conditions but as an act of spontaneous combustion within the inconvenient and inhospitable crucible one finds oneself confined within.

This alchemical dynamic was set into motion shortly after my 15th birthday when a series of impulsive errors led to my being escorted by my father onto a flight from Kauai into the unknown. I landed at a remote Christian reform camp in the sweltering deserts & borderlands of Mexico, miles from any town or hope of escape. This disciplinary facility, U-Turn For Christ, was designed as a stringent spiritual boot camp where youths like myself defined as wayward, damaged, or defiant could be broken down through austerity and biblical indoctrination and rebuilt from scratch as humble servants of the divine will rather than rebels pickled in the brine of ego, hedonism, and vain individualism polluting the culture.

For a recalcitrant young soul already inoculated through trauma to recoil from authority figures bearing lofty claims and dripping judgment, these harsh conditions were perceived as a punishment designed to further crush my non-compliant spirit. Yet in the crucible of having security and control stripped away, Grace worked behind the scenes to nurture unanticipated spiritual ripening. By removing my habitual psychological and chemical crutches, inner Strength and Balance were organically cultivated.

The myriad rules, routines, privations, and discipline I had bitterly resisted soon unveiled their hidden purpose — to systematically unravel the layers of protective ego identity I had depended upon to mitigate feeling lost and vulnerable. What had first appeared as excessive punishment in time gradually revealed itself as a severe mercy - exacting ordeal transmuted by Grace into the alchemy of spiritual awakening.

In wilderness isolation, separated from the cacophony of mass consciousness, I was immersed in stark stillness and silence. The finite constructs of self I had clung to as psychological life rafts were flooded by infinite presence, dissolving my desperate clinging to control. What I had believed was solid and immutable dissolved like salt in the ocean. Concepts evaporated in the searing light of a vastness simultaneously overwhelming yet intimately familiar. The imaginary boundary between myself and absolute Reality disappeared. That small part of my awareness still identifying with the fictional separate self surrendered, defeated at last by a force far vaster that was simultaneously nonlocal yet closer than my heartbeat. In free fall through this groundless ground of being, the lifelong anxiety within me yielded to trust as eternal Love flooded the inner wasteland apart from its Source. Grace took over where limited ideas of self could no longer suffice. Beyond the annihilating light of Truth, the chaos and confusion within me gave way to stillness, order, and abiding peace. No longer split between lower and higher, I returned to unity with my true Home.

In one timeless instant, the momentum of years propelled me beyond the event horizon of the egoic mind into an endless sky alive with stars. The restricted awareness tethered to a small self integrated with something ancient yet fresh - an eternal abode where prodigal sons arrive the instant they stop searching outside for what awaits behind their own eyes. Liberated from the trance of separation, I glimpsed myself as I truly was - not the anxious learner struggling to become worthy but the master teaching myself through costume; not a discrete entity defined by lack seeking symbolic wholeness, but the Source Itself imitating exile in time before delighting in arriving Here and Now.

Chapter 5: Dancing With Madness

My homecoming was short-lived. After a battery of psychiatric evaluations diagnosed ongoing anomalies incompatible with social conformity, I was forced by the powers that be, even the State of Hawaii, to continue sacrificing my sovereign light to the false gods of mental health and normative adjustment.

At eighteen, stigmatized yet still ethereally radiant, the Judge of the land & the government of the islands, ordered and committed me to Hawaii State Hospital, the only public psychiatric facility in the state and a facility of last resort catering to those too ill, violent or aberrant to place elsewhere. Within this archaic system predicated on pathologizing and suppressing deviance, I began a five-year metamorphic incubation in the chaotic realm of those societies labeled irredeemably mad.

Surrounded by schizophrenia, bipolar mania, traumatic dissociation, and extremes of the human psyche pressed into diagnostic boxes, I faced an existential choice - to invalidate my extraordinary experiences by condemning myself as equally ill and defective or to nurture the visionary insights granted me in isolation, bringing patterns to the chaos by learning the eternal language that heaven whispers to earth in moments of metaphor, poetry, and symbolic resonance.

Sincere medical practitioners focused on managing problematic symptoms interpreted my unusual divergences as pathological, utterly convinced pharmaceuticals and behavior modification alone could remedy disturbances of mind they viewed as biochemical defects or malignant negatives requiring elimination at all costs. Unwilling to reduce my subjective experience to a checklist of pathological symptoms, I chose a different pathway, listening instead for the redemptive purpose stirring alchemically in the depths of madness, deciphering the urgent lucid dreams and mystifying signs that flowed steadily from archetypal realms beyond rational comprehension, slowly revealing the method in the madness through a process more spiral than linear. By refusing to weaponize language to reductively label, categorize, and condemn what had occurred within me as a one-dimensional disease lacking meaning, I was gradually guided to perceive the visionary openings others call psychosis as potentially creative portals to enhanced perception rather than solely toxic errors to extinguish. My mentors sought to excise anomalies; I learned to welcome them as gateways to new possibilities of mind and spirit. Where the system interpreted deviation from norms as damaging defects, I slowly awakened to embrace unusual divergences as developmental blessings in disguise.

As the unbridled energies of my psyche surged wildly within me, with patience and courage I moved beyond simply repressing them through medication toward learning how to dance consciously and gracefully with the daemonic forces operating below the surface of my awareness. No longer warring blindly against myself, I cultivated compassion and curiosity for the contents of my inner landscape, integrating the revelations of light and shadow into a wholeness beyond duality. By courageously facing and befriending what others deemed violent, frightening, or unclean within me, compassion granted me a vision of the perfection enfolded within even the darkest corners of human experience. The anguished breaking down of limiting forms during those turbulent years served as a cocoon of chaos quickening and refining me, burning away false selves to slowly reveal the sacred wisdom hidden within the strange, the divine sanity suffusing even the most radical departure from consensus reality. While those surrounding me sought only to excise or mute the extreme and unusual through labels, drugs, and physical restraints, I learned to develop trust and reverence for the totality and ultimate perfection of what unfolded within me. By learning to love and transmute the unlovable, walls rigidly separating subject from object began to dissolve, exposing our shared essence. Beyond even the most broken minds and bodies, I now saw an indestructible light shining in the darkness, a current of love-soaked awareness uniting all apparent opposites.

Chapter 6: My Life's Mission Emerges

Emerging from this potent alchemical crucible after years on the front lines of madness tenderized yet resolute, I vowed to redeem those years of darkness by translating harsh gifts of transformation into works of light benefitting others. To restore the human in myself became a path of service to assist the restoration of humankind. I recognized the urgent need to share the healing balm that had salved my wounds as an antidote for an ailing world. The deepest healing arises from loving those places within and without most in need of love's absolving touch.

My long road of recovery began by nurturing intimacy with the earth, planting seeds in soil to harvest wisdom over time, and finding solace and community in the simple miracle of growing things. As I learned again to attune my being to the rhythms of the natural world, creativity began to flow through me like water finding its level, my cells remembering the original hymn of praise sung by light in the morning of creation. My love of language ripened into writing poetry and parables that wove together shards of mystical insight gleaned from the secret languages whispered in dreams, visions, prayer, and moments of unitive consciousness. Ever drawn to the margins, my service gravitated toward supporting and mentoring youth and adults unjustly labeled defective or deviant by mainstream society, sharing from my missteps to help spare others from similar fates. Each act of creation, from germinating a seed to scribing stanzas of verse to lighting the human spirit of one shunned as a lost cause, became an act of lighting my candle, reclaiming my original nature as a child of Divine Light birthed to translate glimpses of eternity into radical acts.

Autobiography
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About the Creator

Neos Alth

Adding to the realm of neural divergence and encouraging the fringe community to realize the inherent gift.

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