Holiday Pen Pal

The holidays are coming and it’s tough. This will be my second holiday season without my husband. Only last year it all happened so quickly after he died, I didn’t even have the time to think about it. I was overwhelmed with grief and simply didn’t care to please others with my presence. But now it’s been a year since Andrew’s death and I feel like some people expect me to move on, and join the festivities.

It’s not going to happen, though. I cannot possibly imagine participating in family gatherings without my husband. I can’t even phantom the idea of getting a Christmas tree or blowing candles for my birthday when he can’t celebrate his. People see me smiling and posting on Instagram… getting ready for a marathon and building my own business - and they assume I moved on with my life. But the hurt is still there. The pain of everybody having their loved ones at home, when I spend every night alone with my pets. This season brings out all the loneliness and anxiety, and I know I’m not the only one struggling.

I woke up one day and decided to open a bookstore in my husband’s name. Drew’s Bookstore is something that I’ve been working really hard on for the past few months. I realized that the corporate environment wasn’t really grief-friendly. I was expected to be okay, to take on more responsibilities, and I had no flexibility to focus on my mental health. Every time I needed extra time off I felt like I was hitting a wall. I had to explain myself when the explanation was always the same… I changed. I was hurt and broken. I still am. I simply cannot mentally handle working 9-5 and responding to pointless emails. Every time I saw a call coming through I felt like I wanted to die.

This store won’t fix my depression. I’m fully aware. But doing what I love in the name of the man I love feels right. And that’s all that I want to do now - things that feel right.

It’s going to be hard, I know. At the same time, I’ve already built such an amazing community of self-published authors who want to be a part of the store. I’ve gotten so much support over the last few months from people who I’ve never met. The store isn’t opened yet and I already feel like impacted many amazing authors from all over the country. I am beyond proud and excited.

But I’m also embracing myself for the impact of the holiday season. It’s going to be tough to see everyone coming by the store, buying gifts for people they love. People will be wishing me “Merry Christmas” not aware that my Christmas stopped being merry the day my husband didn’t come back home. And I know that there are plenty of people just like me, wishing others didn’t overwhelm them with their joy. Being joyful is a privilege and unfortunately, most people don’t realize that until they lose it.

That’s how the idea of the Holiday Pen Pal came around. Well, it all started with a postcard from my brother. Per usual, I took a photo and posted it on my stories saying “Let’s never stop sending each other postcards”. It’s been a beautiful tradition that we’ve been keeping alive with my friends and family. Every time we go somewhere we send each other a text “Can you remind me your address?”… and a few weeks later that little piece of paper makes it across the ocean straight into our mailboxes. I feel very lucky to have a group of people willing to participate in this ancient practice with me. It’s been almost ten years since I left home, and I still send postcards to my best friend from high school who I see only every few years. Those postcards always make my day and then go straight onto my fridge.

After I posted about the postcard, a dear friend who I met through Andrew, started telling me about the letters she used to get from her grandma. We talked about how special it is to get things in the mail and how it’s a shame people don’t do that anymore.

The idea popped into my head. Holiday Pen Pal project! Eight weeks of anonymous letters between strangers to support each other through this difficult time of the year.

And yes, it does sound a bit like a Hallmark movie I watched last year. But at the end of the day, don’t we all need a bit more Hallmark magic in our lives? The world is a scary and depressing place sometimes - very often, actually. Let’s do something that is different, old-fashioned, and simply exciting. I know that I need more simple pleasures in my life for sure.

So if you’d like to be a part of Holiday Pen Pal, check out the link below. Also, if you’re an artist and would like to work with my bookstore, let me know! I just quit my corporate job to pursue my passions over the holidays and in the New Year. Let’s make it worth it!