The Beast of X Moor or… The Beast of Wasting My Fucking Time...
Really? You're going to set me up for a creature feature flick, and fuck it up with The Scooby-Doo Effect before it even gets started? I mean, at least you didn't try to pass it off like some bullshit twist, but fuck you and the beast you road in on. Look, just because you confess to The Scooby-Doo Effect in the first ten minutes does not make it okay. The whole fucking point of a creature feature flick is that we want to see THE GOD DAMN MONSTER! HALF THE FUCKING POINT IS THE BUILD UP TO THE BIG FUCKING MONSTER REVEAL AT THE END!
*sigh* Jesus Fucking Christ......
Look, Hollywood, we need to have a serious conversation about this shaky camera thing. A.K.A. The newest, shiniest, most polished, and overused piece of shit that's been taking over horror as a genre? It needs to stop. Not just stop, but be systematically removed from all historical records and completely neutralized. Look, it was necessary for a group of young aspiring actors making The Blare Witch Project. They needed a way to create elements of a dark and chaotic atmosphere on their sshoestringbudget and this was their only option. Hollywood does not need to do that and in fact, there are very few reason that it's even appropriate. You basically just have the camera guy wiggle around his view to create atmosphere when you're simply, A) too lazy to set the atmosphere your damn self, B) lack the imagination necessary to set up a proper atmosphere in the first place. Seriously, fucking stop it.
The Bay, round two, FIGHT!
The first time I attempted to watch this festering pile of red hot bloody diarrhea, it didn't pass my 30 minute rule... actually it didn't pass 5 minutes... okay, to be honest, I watched for about 1 minute and 30 seconds and had to hold back the urge to plant my fist through the screen of my TV. I just turned it off. After about a ten-second clip of some pretty neat media scrambles, this lady's face pops onto the screen and just completely kills the mood.
Here’s a piece I wrote for a horror fiction contest. I didn’t win, but I was proud of it nonetheless.