Tinder Travesties 2 - The Anatomy of Lawrence

This article was declined upon first submission for "not meeting the quality standards." There were no other notes. I deleted a few sentences I thought could be problematic and reformatted, but it seems as though Vocal wants to censor this in-depth critique of Lawrence. We'll see if this article makes it past the censors this second time. I'll see you on the other side, friends.

I can’t remember how long ago it was, but a while back, I did an analysis of a Tinder Chad. It was a popular article, and I wanted to make it into a series, but as I am a man and do not want to dive into the world of Heterosexual Male Tinder, I decided against it. Why would I ask my close heterosexual or bisexual female friends to fall on that sword for me, after all? Never. I refuse to let them live through that. Anyway, the subject of our analysis is not a Tinder Chad; this time, it’s a Tinder Lawrence. I found this bio on the Twitter page “Incel Pickup Lines,” and I simply had to break this down, for the sake of my own sanity. While his face is uncensored on the page, I have decided to crop it out in this article when I post the full bio at the bottom of the page, as I feel as though the Twitter page capitalizes on the neckbeard aesthetic as a way to mock men, and as someone who knows many men who share physical qualities with the stereotypical neckbeard and are also sweet, caring, intelligent, self-aware people, I think it’s wrong to mock the man for his appearance. Mock him for his words. Lawrence will never see your fatphobic comments, but your friends might. Anyway, let's dive in.

!MUST READ! Any female—

Oh, no, I’m going to cut you off there, Lawrence. Already we can tell this man has never had a girlfriend. Word of advice: Never refer to women as “females.” Maybe you can plead ignorance there. I don’t know. It just sounds like you want them for science-reasons and that’s it. “I need more females for my fertilization chamber.” Gross. Stop that. Okay. Back to square one.

!MUST READ! Any female wanting to swipe right must meet the following criteria.

Okay, the man has standards. Good. We all have standards, and it’s unfair to ask people to date people outside of those standards just because you want them to. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Okay.

You must be between 5’1 and 5’5 NO EXCEPTIONS.

Okay, Lawrence, I mean, I guess— I mean, not everyone is cut out to date a Tall Queen or— Or even an Average-Height Queen, I—

You must weigh no more than 110 pounds NO EXCEPTIONS.

Oh, come on, Lawrence. I vouched for you, man. I mean. Okay. It’s perfectly reasonable to like a certain body type. I have my own tastes. Asking for a partner who appeals to those tastes is not unreasonable. There are plenty of petite women out there who I’m sure would love a geeky guy like—

You must fit enough to hold me but no visible muscle tone.

Ohhh no. Oh, Lawrence. Okay. I’m going to assume that what he meant was “You must be fit enough to hold me.” We are not above a typo or two. What we are above, Lawrence, is unrealistic expectations for women. The average man, upon a quick Google search, weighs about 200 pounds. I don’t know what he means by “hold.” Does he mean, like, embrace him tenderly? Sweep him off his feet? Lawrence, I can lift, at maximum, maybe 100 pounds if I’m lucky. There is no way in hell that a woman under 110 pounds, under 5’5”, would be able to lift 200 pounds without any visible muscle definition. Do you even want a real woman, Lawrence?

The anime girl in the second picture is a reference so if you don’t look like her swipe left.

Ohhhhhhh. It’s all coming together. I don’t mean to make assumptions here, but I think this gentleman may suffer from Too Much Anime. Maybe he was socialized by unrealistic expectations of women that are inherent in anime, where female characters are simultaneously objectified and expected to hold their own in mortal combat with superhuman entities. Ergo, being a tiny woman who can bench 200 pounds but still look like a bikini model is perfectly reasonable in the world he was socialized in. Too bad he was socialized in the wrong world. Moving on:

NO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE!

Okay, finally, something reasonable. It’s not a crime to want to be with someone who shares your values, and if your values aren’t based in religion, then it’s fair to not want to date a religious person. There are degrees of religiousness in a person that entirely turn me off. Let’s see if he explains this:

I want to raise intelligent children—

Oh dear.

—and can’t sacrifice my seed to someone delusional enough to believe in so called “God”.—

No. No, no, no.

— I am extremely smart.

What a closer. Okay. There’s a lot to unpack here, guys. Already the first section of his bio makes sense. He really does want female wombs for the incubation chamber. And the fact that he calls his sperm his “seed” makes me think he believes himself divine. There’s a sort of egoistic anti-theistic self-worship that Lawrence espouses in these last couple of sentences, as if he mythicizes himself, assigns himself the role of Adam in the creation of a new, intelligent human order, spurns the rebellious Liliths who believe in religion or are over 5’5” or are not sexy anime girls, seeks out his Eve. Will he find her? Probably not.

“I am extremely smart.” This sentence really gets me. He does not augment this with any evidence of intelligence, only his opinions. He ascribes intelligence to those who share his opinions or tastes. There’s a lack of humility here. Intelligence is not something that can be proclaimed. Do you know who does that? Insufferable people, Lawrence. You’re going to make the sexy anime girls out there think you’re insufferable.

So what can be learned from this? I don’t know. I think the people who already know better than this can’t learn anything from this. Alternatively, I think the people who don’t know better will look at this bio and see nothing wrong with it, and when someone says there’s something wrong with it, they’ll say, “Nuh-uh, I am extremely smart, you’re just too stupid to be attracted to him.” There is no place to go but down, I’m sorry to say.

As always, feel free to leave a comment if you liked this article. Be sure to share if you desire. Leave a tip if you're feeling generous.

For my article on begging for 20,000,000 reads on my articles, click here.

For my favorite short story that I've written, click here.

For a video of Gilbert Gottfried reading the lyrics of WAP, click here.