Seincraft

FADE IN / BASS GUITAR RIFF

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

George is pacing back and forth, his face etched with concern. Jerry sits at the table with a mug of coffee.

GEORGE [anxiously]

There’s something up with Elaine’s new boyfriend, Jerry. He has… a look.

JERRY

A look?

GEORGE

A look, Jerry! An unwholesome look.

JERRY [raising an eyebrow]

George, what are you talking about?

GEORGE

You don’t think he has a look? The wide mouth, the squamous skin.

He sits down next to Jerry, gesturing.

GEORGE

Those bulging eyes of his. He doesn’t blink, Jerry!

JERRY

So you don’t like him because he beat you in a staring contest?

GEORGE [whispering]

I saw him, Jerry! I saw him devouring plate after plate of sushi like there was no tomorrow. It's unnatural!

JERRY

George, if eating sushi makes a person unnatural then the entire nation of Japan is some kind of eldritch nightmare.

GEORGE [shrugs]

You said it, not me. The Japanese are deeefinitely up to something.

ELAINE enters and pours herself a cup of coffee.

ELAINE

Guys, I’m in trouble.

GEORGE [smug]

Ha! See?

ELAINE

Huh?

JERRY

Don’t mind George. He just thinks your new boyfriend is a bit… fishy.

GEORGE

And you don’t?!

JERRY

As a matter of fact, I think he’s quite the catch.

ELAINE

Who, Zadok? Well that’s my problem, actually.

GEORGE [triumphantly]

See! What did I tell you, Jerry?

ELAINE [to Jerry]

What did he tell you?

JERRY

George thinks Zadok is squamous.

ELAINE

Squamous?

GEORGE [yelling]

Squamous!

Elaine rolls her eyes and tries to move on with the conversation.

ELAINE

Anyway, it’s Zadok’s birthday party tomorrow night, and he’s invited me.

JERRY

So what?

ELAINE

We’ve only been dating for a week! All his friends will be there. Maybe even his family! What am I going to do? It's too early for me to meet his parents. I don’t even know what to get him for a gift.

GEORGE

His parents, huh? Do they have the same… look?

JERRY

Again with the look!

ELAINE

What look?

GEORGE

Don’t you think your new boyfriend has a look? The eyes, the mouth-

JERRY [sarcastically]

The squamous skin…

GEORGE

His skin is squamous!

ELAINE

What are you trying to say, George?

JERRY

Yeah, what are you trying to say, George?

GEORGE [uncomfortable]

I'm just saying he has a look about him. And he smells like the ocean. All the time, like the ocean.

Elaine, shocked, looks to Jerry for support. Jerry makes an “eh” gesture; Zadok does, apparently, smell like the ocean.

ELAINE

He’s from a coastal town!

GEORGE

Elaine, we live in New York. We’re all coastal. I don’t smell like the ocean.

In the background Jerry makes an “eh” gesture.

ELAINE

He’s from New England. That’s what people in New England are like.

JERRY

You are what you eat, huh?

KRAMER bursts in through the front door. He is holding a large, leather-bound tome.

KRAMER

Hey.

JERRY

Hey.

KRAMER

Got any candles, Jerry?

JERRY

Candles? What do you— you know what, never mind. Let me check.

Jerry begins rummaging in the kitchen cabinets for candles.

KRAMER

Red ones.

Jerry shoots him an exasperated stare and goes back to searching the cabinets. He re-emerges with a packet of candles.

JERRY

Here you go. Birthday candles.

KRAMER

Oh, no, no. These are no good.

JERRY

Well, they’re all I’ve got. Some of them are red, see?

KRAMER

No, no, these won’t do, Jerry.

JERRY

What do you need candles for, anyway? Did you short out your apartment’s electricity again?

KRAMER

Not at all. Well, yeah, I did, but that’s not what these are for.

He displays the book proudly.

KRAMER

Check it out. Got it from my book guy for a song.

JERRY

Your book guy?

KRAMER

You don’t have a book guy?

JERRY

I mean, I go to the bookstore. There are definitely guys there. Do they count?

KRAMER

Oh, no, that won’t do, Jerry! You gotta have a book guy. I’ll introduce you to mine.

He leans in close.

KRAMER [conspiratorially]

He’s got the good stuff.

Kramer taps the side of his nose.

JERRY

So what did your book guy get you?

KRAMER

The Book of Eibon. Original binding. Check out the leather.

JERRY

Is that human skin?!

KRAMER [proudly]

Oh, you betcha.

JERRY

But what’s it about? And why the candles?

KRAMER

Knowledge, Jerry! With this book I can unlock the mysteries that have plagued mankind since time immemorial. No secrets are beyond my grasp with this puppy.

ELAINE [intrigued]

Wait, all knowledge? Like, say… what I should get Zadok for his birthday?

KRAMER [effusive]

Sure!

[confused]

Who’s Zadok?

JERRY

Elaine’s new boyfriend. You met him two days ago, remember?

KRAMER

Oh yeah! The squamous guy.

GEORGE

I knew it!

ELAINE [pleading]

C’mon, Kramer, help a girl out.

KRAMER

Well, alright. Shouldn’t be too hard for ol’ Eibon here. Let’s see…

Kramer flips through the book before settling on a page. He adopts a ridiculous, wide-legged stance and begins reciting.

KRAMER

ይህ ማለት ምንም ማለት አይደለም ጥሩ ይመስላል

The apartment noticeably darkens, shadows lengthening and stretching unnaturally.

KRAMER

በጥሬው ምንም ትርጉም የለም

The angles of the room seem wrong somehow. The temperature plummets, causing everyone's breath to steam hugely in the now-frigid air.

JERRY

Uh, Kramer…

KRAMER

ይህ ቋንቋ አማርኛ ነው እንደ ገሃነም ድንቅ ይመስላል

Kramer reaches out and places the tip of one finger in the centre of Elaine’s forehead.

KRAMER

ቀደም ብዬ ሱሺን ጠቅሻለሁ እና አሁን በጣም እፈልጋለሁ። ሱሺ! ሱሺ! እኔ!

Elaine’s eyes roll back into her head, exposing the whites. Her mouth yawns open, a terrible, gaping ‘o’ that stretches impossibly wide. She falls to the floor, spasming. Kramer closes the book with a snap.

JERRY

Kramer! Look what you’ve done to her!

KRAMER

That’s what pure knowledge looks like, Jerry. Some things are not for mankind to know.

JERRY

She looks like one of those Japanese horror-movie ghosts!

GEORGE

What did I tell you, Jerry. It’s all the sushi. Unnatural. Verrry unnatural.

JERRY

Huh. Maybe the Japanese are up to something.

FADE OUT / BASS GUITAR RIFF