Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a long road because of how deeply traumatic these relationships are. The narcissist affects the totality of the victim.

If you are going through this, please be patient and compassionate with yourself while you travel this road to self-love and salvation.

Narcissistic abuse is a mixture of brainwashing and severe emotional, psychological, and often physical abuse that is performed with ruthless reckless abandonment, often resulting in the total destruction of the victim.

Narcissistic abuse comes disguised as love.

The narcissist sets his or her eyes on a target. Then they swiftly move through the idealization, devaluation, and discard phases of the narcissistic abuse cycle. Words don’t do this type of abuse justice. Narcissists torture their victims, intentionally. Because that is who they are therefore that is what they do.

In the beginning… is the idealization/ love bombing phase.

The relationship starts out dreamy, mysterious and seemingly synchronous with one another’s goals.

The idealization phase is when the narcissist is mirroring the target and love bombing- i.e., showering the victim in attention, praise, gifts, promises of a bright future, etc.

This is how the narcissist gets the victim on the hook. This whirlwind love literally sweeps the victim off their feet before they have had a chance to digest the reality of this swift moving new relationship.

The victim believes the narcissist to be their special someone. They get caught up in a fantasy, not realizing it is all pretend and none of it is real.

Then things begin to change.

The narcissist no longer sees you in the idealized light. His or her shame is still poking through, and the narcissist seeks to find fault within you to avoid focus on their own faults.

This is where the devaluation phase erupts.

The narcissist no longer shows appreciation, interest, or willingness to compromise. The narcissist may seem bored. Nothing the partner does is right.

The partner reels in confusion.

The narcissist is no longer so loving, so reliable, so involved. The partner knows something is off. They recognize their narcissist’s behavior is hurtful, but they don’t fully understand what is going on. So, the partner essentially goes into a state of denial.

Unfortunately, the abuse becomes increasingly more vicious and frequent.

At this point, the partner cannot remain in denial- the abuse is overt and obvious. However, cognitive dissonance has taken a strong hold. The partner is in a state of shock, deeper confusion, and high anxiety.

The narcissist refuses to take any accountability and blames the partner for his/her vicious abuse.

This phase of the abusive relationship is pure misery.

The partner’s mental and physical health are at risk. The partner realizes they cannot go on like this.

They strive to fix the relationship that cannot be fixed.

Oftentimes, the partner will seek therapy or relationship advice forums, in which they learn about narcissistic abuse.

Finally, they are able to put a name to their horrific experience: narcissistic abuse.

This is when the lights turn on in the victim’s brain. They are able to make sense of everything that had happened. The victim understands what they are dealing with and will seek to distance themselves from the narcissist.

The narcissist will likely be vengeful and cruel; sabotaging and smearing the victim. This is all a part of the game to the narcissist.

The victim now knows there will be no healthy separation, no compromise.

They will never get any closure. The victim is done with the narcissist’s sick twisted games and sets herself/ himself on the healing path.

Healing is very difficult as long as one remains in contact with the narcissist.

No contact is strongly recommended so that the victim can fully commit to their healing without ingesting any more of the narcissist’s poison. If no contact is not a possibility, the grey rock method can be useful during the necessary interactions with the narcissist.

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse suffer from PTSD or C-PTSD.

The victim may live in fear of what the narcissist will do next to cause harm. Feelings of anger, shame, guilt, sadness, and longing create conflicting feelings in the survivor that can last long after the relationship ends.

Survivors typically research and become literate in cluster b personality disorders. It is not unusual for a survivor to become highly educated on the matter that caused so much destruction to their heart and their lives.

This helps them find some understanding and a bit of closure on all they have been through. And also helps to give one a sense of security that this will not happen again.

Forums and community support groups can also be beneficial. Connecting with other victims offers much validation, especially at the beginning of one’s recovery.

Eventually, we need to validate ourselves. We are responsible for healing our wounds. Proper self-care is so important. Be compassionate and be present with yourself as you work to heal the parts of you that need your tending to.

As you become more aware of your wholeness despite what’s happened, you are able to rebuild your life by design. Get in touch with yourself- your needs and your desires. Rebuild your support system based on your values. Pursue the passions that stir your soul.

Find the message in your mess. Make meaning out of your painful experience. Acknowledge your strength, your wisdom, and your resiliency. Recognize how this ordeal has helped you to develop healthier boundaries, self-love, and insight.

Now, pay it forward. Educate and empower others who are currently where you have been. Be the light for those still in the dark. Help others to heal and get back home to themselves.