Saying No Isn't As Easy As It Sounds

Every self-help article I see says to say "no" more often. They might as well tell me to look in the mirror, tell myself "you're 10 pounds lighter," and those extra pesky pounds immediately fall right off. That'd be a great trick though.

As someone who struggles with any type of confrontation, saying "no" seems just as impossible as losing 10 pounds in a few seconds.

For those who have no trouble speaking their minds, you'll probably say people like me are just weak and need to toughen up. But, it's not that simple. Years of being talked over, having our self-confidence torn to shreds, and a desire to make others happy has caused us to think "yes" is the only right answer.

I can say "no" in certain circumstances. For instance, I'm not saying yes to a guy who wants to sleep with me just because he asks. But, I have zero free time this weekend because I didn't want to let anyone down when they asked me to help with all their events. I'm putting the things I need to do aside to help them, but I just couldn't say "no."

If you can relate to any of the following, join the "I just want to say no club" with me:

1. You Always Feel Like You're Faking It

Does your bestie always drag you to the same restaurant even though you hate it? You know they love it, so you just smile, deal with it, and hope they don't notice how miserable you are on the inside. But, they're happy, so you're happy, right? Nope. You're just trying the whole fake it til you make it, but trust me, you're not making it.

I hate this feeling. I always feel like I'm living in someone else's body. It sucks, but I don't want to disappoint anyone.

2. You Miss The Things You Love

Just like my example above about missing out on the things I wanted to do this weekend. I had plans for some serious downtime after an extremely stressful week. Yet, when friends asked me to help them move, another needed help setting up her food truck, one needs me to drive her to the doctor, and yet another just got out of a bad relationship and needs some quality girl time.

Did I tell them I needed a moment to myself? Nope. Instead, I'll be happy they're all happy, but miss all the things I'd prefer to do at home.

3. You Get Overwhelmed Quickly

One of the main reasons I can't say "no" is I don't want to disappoint anyone. But, if you're like me, you've gotten so overwhelmed that you end up having to let others down because you just can't do it all. You try to do everything, but there just isn't enough time. Eventually, someone gets let down. Most importantly, you feel like you let yourself down.

4. You Feel Resentful to Yourself and Others

It's easy to start feeling resentful when you can't say "no." You resent yourself for not being stronger and prioritizing yourself more. You resent others for monopolizing all your time without considering how it might affect you.

It's not always fair to feel resentful, but that doesn't mean the angry feelings aren't tearing you apart inside.

5. You Feel Taken For Granted

No one bothered to ask me if I had any plans this weekend before assuming I'd help them. Granted, I always say "yes," but shouldn't people ask first? When you become the push over that can't say "no," you feel taken for granted.

After all, how often are friends and family available when you need something? I'm always amazed at how they ask for help, but on the rare occasion I need something, everyone else is busy.

6. Your Mental and Physical Health Suffers

Saying "yes" all the time doesn't leave much time to take care of yourself. You run around doing things for others, wearing yourself down, and often it's just not enough. People keep asking for more.

I'm always feeling tired and run down, but there never seems to be much free time to take care of myself. As it turns out, the one person I can say no to is myself.

7. You Just Want to Be Perfect

I'm a perfectionist. I try hard not to be, but usually people who can't say "no" easily also try to be perfect so they don't let anyone down. You try to actually become that perfect person on social media where you're always happy, no matter what's going on.

It's not a realistic way to live and it destroys your confidence. I've tried so hard to do everything perfectly for everyone that I honestly feel like I've let myself down because I can never be that perfect.

8. You Feel Lonely and Lost

You'd think always being there for others wouldn't make you feel lonely, but it really does. It always feels like more take than give, making you feel like the people you're trying to make happy don't care that much about you - just what you can do for them.

And, when you spend all your time focused on others, you lose your own way. There's no time to spend on forging your own path. You're just pulled along where ever people need you.

What Can You Do About It?

I know we can all relate to these struggles. I'm not here to tell you you'll magically get better overnight. I'm currently trying to break myself from always saying "yes." A few things I've tried that are actually working include:

• Asking each person to help me with a small task at their convenience. If they can't make time to help me with something, they don't really care about me. They only care about taking advantage of me. I've started letting go of these toxic friendships, though it does take time.
• I don't respond to calls/texts immediately. Since I don't want to let anyone down, I usually respond immediately. But, I've started giving myself a little time. I wait for a voicemail versus answering the phone (seriously, why can't people just text). The whole point is to give myself time to consider whether I am available to help or meet up and practice the conversation of saying "no."
• Setting aside one day a week for myself. I turn off my phone and do what I want. This is my newest habit. I just started it last week. Obviously, I failed at it this week. However, I had multiple major problems arise this week that were out of my control. But, when I did it last week, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Yes, it takes time to let go of trying to perfect and please everyone. But, as my therapist told me, you'll never please everyone no matter how hard you try. The only person you really need to please is yourself.