When Love Hurts

It’s not a pleasant topic to talk about. We want love to work, we want to be in successful, healthy relationships. We all want that. So why are so many people not experiencing this?

I had two close friends growing up. Out of the three of us, two of us got married and had children, but those marriages ended in divorce. I was one of them. My third friend never got married or had kids, but is in the same boat.

It seems as if some people have it easy in love, they find their spouse early and life and settle in. This has been the case for both of my brothers. While others struggle with love and finding a lasting relationship.

Not only that, there are many aspects of love that can make things, painful at times. Breakups hurt, but so does being in a bad relationship where you don't feel seen or heard. Abuse, neglect, control, jealousy there are many things that we can go through while searching for love that almost makes it seem, too much.

Why love can hurt

Love hurts when we are with a partner who does not respect or appreciate us. They undermine the things we put into our relationships. They don't show up, they are forever holding something back. They can’t communicate, reciprocate love, or practice compassion and kindness.

No one is perfect, no one checks all those boxes every time. Yet, a partner who consistently ghosts, gives you the silent treatment, criticizes or cancels on you is not a person truly interested in a relationship.

Love hurts when we realize we have put out hearts and souls into another relationship with the wrong person.

Love hurts when we give and give and only receive crumbs in return.

Put simply, love hurts when we are with someone that doesn't honor and value us as a human being.

How to end the cycle

It takes the following three steps to break the cycle of bad relationships.

Acceptance- You must admit to yourself that you have a problem, that things, as they have been, are not working. We can be in denial for a very long time, but eventually, we reach a point of acceptance, where we must admit to ourselves that something has to give.

Taking responsibility- Equally, we must see our role in this. This isn't blaming the victim, it’s taking ownership of your choices, and the fact that they have led you down this path of unhappiness. Choosing partners who are unavailable reflects low self-worth, and is an indication of an absence of self-love.

Self-care- Focusing on yourself and your needs. When was the last time you checked in with yourself, to see how you were feeling? What do you want? An essential part of healing is about reconnecting with yourself. This happens when you focus on your needs and not your partners or anyone else's for a time. So that you can get back into balance.

Ending the cycle of bad relationships happens when you draw a line in the sand and say no more. You are no longer willing to take what you know isn't right. You are more interested now in learning how to love yourself. Eventually, you will find a partner who has done similar work on themselves.

My friends and I are still learning these lessons. One ran off with my husband years ago and eventually married him, making it her third marriage, which ended badly. The last I heard of her, she was alone and better for it. The other is currently in a difficult, controlling relationship, one that I believe she will end soon. Me, I’m single, and focusing on myself for the first time in decades. I believe when you invest in yourself, and only when you do this, do you succeed. Whether that is love, work, or anything.

Find the balance in your life again, find something that you love, and make that your starting point for healing and recovering your truth.