The Contradictions Of Christmas

Every year, for at least a month or more, the UK goes into a spin about celebrating Christmas. The traditional carols come out of mothballs for another year, the retailers gear up for another spending spree on gifts, and there is the usual anxiety about getting the right turkey, everything going well for the relatives on the big day, and everyone having a super time. Like Thanksgiving in America, the Christmas period is a chance to renew friendships, chill out with loved ones, and simply celebrate the year, though the copious amount of drink consumed, and its after-effects, have been an increasing cause for concern.

One Christmas, a few years ago, I received a late Christmas card. Curiously I opened it and it was from a 'friend' I hadn't heard from in the previous five years. In my other life, I would have been thrilled to get it, appreciating his thought for me and getting in touch. I would also have felt a little sheepish, like a poor second in the annual Christmas card race, because I hadn't thought of sending one first. I would have rushed out to buy a card for him, so as not to be outdone in the greetings stakes. But not these days.

Since my divorce, one of my best Christmases was celebrated with a man I was supposed to have a date with. He had lost his wife a couple of years before, he was also estranged from his step-children, and was dreading the holiday period. I was reluctant to spend any time with him, at first, with him being a virtual stranger. I thought it might be pretty gloomy between us. But, surprisingly, it taught me lots about real compassion and unselfishness, and we had the most wonderful time together in the simplest way.

We talked non-stop about his wife and the loving person she was, while I rambled on about a relationship that had affected me profoundly and was still indelibly etched in my consciousness. He was also really pleased to have someone who listened with understanding and without judging him. He did not have to pretend to be 'happy' on Christmas Day, and he kept crying and laughing alternately. It was an incredible, cathartic day for us, amidst the food, drink and hugs, and completely changed the way I celebrated Christmas.

The Christmas Contradiction.

Though this special holiday is for the individual to enjoy as they choose, it actually allows little diversity in behaviour. Christmas is a demanding straitjacket that has to be worn, whether we like it or not, weighed down by the expectations to conform, so as not to feel excluded. Yet the religious meaning of it, especially in the UK, has been lost on at east 50% of the population for a long time now.

Parents with very little money (especially in our current cost of living crisis) must dread it from September, knowing that they will have to try and match their better-off neighbours in buying expensive presents for their kids, when their own coffers are bare. Single people on their own must dread it, too, because there won't be a loved one to celebrate with them. In fact, this is NOT the time to form a new relationship, because there is usually an air of desperation in it, particularly for men who hate being alone, just to have company over the holiday, which soon dissipates into regret.

Again, people without relatives, like older folks, or those estranged from their families, must also dread this time of year, when their heart is not in it - especially the homeless sleeping on the streets who have not even got a home or anyone to care about them. Worse still, they have to watch others rushing around to get presents, being reminded of how isolated and excluded they are, particularly in the aftermath of the pandemic that might have taken their loved ones - Finally, for those who intensely dislike Christmas, particularly for commercial reasons, it must be a tense time having to fulfil expectations they would rather ignore.

Greatest Casualties at Christmas

One lady from Ireland told me online that, for the first time, she too was spending a Christmas on her own with her dog. She had been railroaded into 'celebrating' Christmas, first by her mother and then by domineering relatives, ever since she could remember, she added, and she could not pretend another year. She had to stop the endless parties, drinking and the forced gaiety. She didn't know how she would feel on Christmas Day, but she was looking forward to being entirely on her own "with champagne and a log fire"! I took my hat off to her, while wishing I could share her log fire, because to go against the grain is not easy. It takes strength and courage when you are made to look odd or contentious. But the sense of relief and personal joy it gives must be tremendous.

Finally, the result of this superficial Christmas celebration amid seething tensions is that, being confined for days together in an unfamiliar situation, and with drink flowing freely, the novelty of playing happy families soon wears off. For partners with chronic problems, all the hidden resentment about their life gradually explodes from the pressure of having to pretend to be loving to fall into line with Christmas. It means that the greatest number of domestic incidents recorded in hospital casualties are in the UK at Christmas time. Additionally, this year, we actually have Christmas taking precedence over people’s increasing inability to cope with their bills and simply trying to live!

Against the backdrop of ongoing industrial unrest by NHS staff, perhaps it is time to stop the emphasis on commercialism and the superficial, empty celebrations. Instead, we could devote the month to seeing how many kindnesses and generosity we could show each other. It could go some way to reducing the level of loneliness, and hate, some people have to endure and make this period a real Christmas of joy and LOVE, in line with its original intention.

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