Just Another Story

FOR AWHILE AT LEAST: Tales of a struggling, victorious tortured soul...

This book is dedicated to all my fellow warriors who fight the battle valiantly; the ones who have won, that still struggle and those who have no idea what I am talking about.

All the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent….….and the guilty.

Introduction

This is just another one of those stories; the life of a damaged human that will do anything to survive. There are thousands of resources on healing the soul:

• plans
• guides
• retreats
• cruises
• thousands of books
• tapping
• hypnosis
• acupuncture

Embrace the inner child. Live to your ultimate self. Feed the starving soul. Uncover the secret. Blah blah blah (not really I do love some of that stuff). As you can see I know “them” quite well.

The fact is as simple as this: until “the plan” is initiated you will spend thousands of dollars and hours and years looking for something you think is lost. It is pretty much beyond your control, and when you surrender to that, you can finally start to really heal. This new life is as solid as anything you have ever known. If your life is a constant balancing act of worry and calm, insanity and peace, self-respect and self-loathing then read on and welcome to the club.

On some days the sun shines so brightly that nothing could possibly go wrong and then; a day, a week, what seems like an eternity of rain and clouds; drenching with a coldness that goes right to your bones. So my friend are you willing? Have you decided? Are you willing to use an umbrella even if the color, shape, and size of it is all wrong for you? Do you want to pass that big heavy ball of sadness on to the next person that needs it? As one of my heroes Steven Tyler sings, “It’s the same old song and dance”.

This is a familiar story and then again it just might be the story that allows you to catch a glimpse of what you can have. I give it freely to you as it was given to me. Although I must add, you have to be ready for the battle of your life; I know you have the strength whether you know it or not.

I must always pay attention to my creativity; it emulates how I feel even when I don’t know. I made a clay sculpture once, it was a woman sitting, balancing way too many clay balls. Teetering on the edge, juggling until anxiety, stress, grief, anger, comes like a tsunami and you say 'F*** It' and throw the balls in the air. They come crashing down into even more pieces, more to clean up. Crashing down on your head resulting in a concussion of emotion that sends you to a hospital, a doctor a therapist; just fix me!!!! Like life wasn’t bad enough already? Why me? Why is it always me? Then you pick your butt up and decide OK I can handle it and life goes on fairly smoothly…..for awhile at least.

Good times are cherished. The calm and serenity of just living is fragile; it is a balancing act. Sometimes for years this euphoria remains. Then it happens, sometimes slowly other times like a freight train, the insanity returns and you grab your emotional fire extinguisher put out the flame and become calm again… for awhile at least.

This is the story of how one lost soul found a way. Growing into a woman she could only see from afar. Not a movie star, not a rock & roll icon, not rich, not the smartest and not the prettiest. These are all the things she thought would fulfill her life. Dreams of living in peace instead of constant turmoil. The energy wasted, the sorrow, the lost time; embracing that little girl who never quite “got it”. Hoping she would magically change.

Fantasies mulled over hour by hour turn into day to day and suddenly a lifetime is slipping by. Hurry you can try to catch it. Try as you may, it slips away just like those fleeting thoughts that you had one second and then they escaped the next. The ones that make you think about your mental stability. The ones that drive you to whatever it is that soothes you. Drugs, alcohol, eating, shopping, sex; there is an endless list of “pseudo soothers”.

To be continued...