The First Time

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." — David Viscott

I've fallen in love more times than I can count. I've always loved the idea of love-especially while growing up. This story takes place over ten years ago.

I was always boy crazy to say the least.

I was on a school ski trip with another school. I had a few friends in the other class. It was my first overnight school trip.

That was THE LAST TIME I have ever gone skiing. Trust me when I say, I am terrible at it and refuse to spend my time on the slopes. In fact, I spent more time in the chalet than I actually did outside. That's how I noticed him for the first time. Let's call him Xavier. He was sitting with a group of his chums enjoying the scenic views of Manitoba. I was sitting a few tables away with one of his classmates who was also my friend. I fell head over heels in love with him. Just by looking at him I knew he was perfect. He had a great laugh, he was very attractive in my mind. He stole my heart just by being himself. I spent the rest of the weekend plotting how to get his number. Which was a problem as I did not have a cellphone at that point. Does anybody else remember the app Text-Plus? Yeah the good Olde days were great.

My friends put me on the spot and I managed to get his number that weekend. I spent the whole bus ride home listening to music and reading Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher on my iPod touch, plotting my next conversation with him. I was so excited to go out on a date with him because I was always just... awkward. I never had that experience before but I wanted to go out with Xavier more than anything.

The minute I got home and had wifi again. I sent him a message and the rest was history. We talked everyday all day for a week before we hung out again.

I lied to my parents about hanging out with a friend and we walked to his house to have a double movie date with another mutual friend. To say I got busted and totally in trouble was an understatement. I was an hour late for my curfew. Whoops. I've never done anything like that before. I was just smitten and totally in love with the idea of falling in love with this guy.

We continued talking and planning out next date and I neglected to tell my parents that I was seeing someone. I didn't want anything to ruin this for me. He was a musician and a gamer like myself. We bonded over long text messages and got to know each other better in person.

My friends suprised me. We were rehearsing for a school play back during the ski trip and they managed to invite him without my knowledge. He showed up with flowers and watched my performance. Again, swoon. Melted my heart.

I still can remember our first kiss… it took place at the community school dance. We texted all week planning to meet up at the dance and make our relationship “official” and my friends ruined the entire thing for me. We were slow dancing and we kissed briefly. I didn’t know what to expect. In movies you always imagine fireworks or sparks flying but it was just wet. And then my group of friends pounced on us. Which was embarrassing because had I known they were watching, I wouldn’t have leaned in for that damn kiss in the first place. I took off running towards the bathroom and calmed myself down because I really liked this guy. I later found out that he thought he made me throw up. However, we did end the night by making our texting relationship official.

We dated on and off during high school. He was my best friend. We were joined at the hip. Even when we weren’t dating each other, we still looked out for the other person.

This is where I should have realized I had bipolar disorder. All the way back then I had symptoms of it. I can look back and now realize that yeah I should have done more for my mental health as a teenager. But you can choose to look back and have regrets or look back and smile at the memories. I choose to smile at the memories.

I remember our breakup. I was going through something and we got pretty distant from each other during that time in my life. We just decided to call things off and leave it at that. But we still drove around together for an hour and listened to sad breakup songs together. I have very fond memories of Xavier and I will choose to cherish the good over the bad for the rest of my life. He taught me plenty of lessons that I will never forget.

Looking back at that relationship an adult, I can see that it was just pure puppy dog love. It wasn't meant to last forever, it was just more of an experience for us that left us with fond memories and friendship.

There’s a theory though that throughout our lifetime, we will fall in love three times, during three different stages of our lives. Each love feels completely different than the other and teaches us something different that helps to shape the person that we becoming. The three types of love are: the  first love, the intense love, and the unconditional love. 

For me, this was the first love. The one that was like a classic story book romance that could have ended with us getting married and then getting divorced 20 years later when we realized that we never really fully loved each other in the first place.

After high school, we worked at the same place for a couple years so we still got to maintain some form of friendship and had some pretty great talks about life. But now that we have gone our separate ways, we don’t talk anymore. He’s always going to be my first love. The shoulder that I used to cry on. The best friend that I never deserved.

I wonder what he will be up to at our high school reunion in a few years time? I truly wish that man nothing but the best in life.

Chloe Rose Violet 🌹