Vegetable Growers, Doctors Linked in Decades Long Conspiracy to Promote Health Aspects of Vegetables

Vegetable growers and doctors have been linked in a conspiracy said to stretch back fifty years or more in which members of the American Medical Association (AMA) traded favorable studies of the health aspects of vegetables for cash payments, lavish vacations, high end prostitutes and other bribes from vegetable farmers associated with the Vegetable Growers Association of America (VGAA). The doctors also agreed to consul their patients that they and their children should eat as much vegetables as they could stomach while downplaying the lack of flavor, terrible texture, and overall grossness of the food as a “necessary evil.” Dr. Ray Johnson, a pediatrician that has agreed to turn states evidence and helped blow the case wide open said “we told our patients who trusted us that they and their kids should be choking down food they both hated because of the supposed health benefits. Meanwhile we sat around the table with our own families eating meals totally free of putrid smelling broccoli or flavorless mushy zucchini.” He justified his own participation in the conspiracy by saying “When this first started we (doctors) all thought what’s the harm really. I mean it’s not like vegetables are bad for you. They just aren’t all that much better for you than anything else, and let’s be honest, vegetables are gross. They smell funny, look funny, and by and large have little to no flavor. How else were we gonna get people to eat this stuff?”

Reactions from the scientific and medical community were swift with condemnations coming from all sides, evolutionary biologist Dr. Tim Badley said the following. “This actually really makes a lot of sense. The problem of vegetable eating had puzzled evolutionary biologists for a very long time now. From an evolutionary perspective if we were supposed to be eating vegetables they should taste good to us. We should desire them. But we do not, instead we detest them. That should tells you all you need to know right there. I, think we all should have seen this coming.” Internist and dietician Dr. Anne Gopherson added, “In actuality vegetables are no more or less healthy than grains or fruits or meat or dairy, four food categories I would remind you whose members are not disgusting and flavorless. Why would I choose to eat a nasty vegetable when I could have some delicious milk or a yummy steak instead? And yes fruits aren’t necessarily the greatest either but at least they are, for the most part, sweet. A vegetable is basically a fruit stripped of its one redeeming quality. Are we sure the fruit lobby didn’t also participate in this elaborate con?”

Meanwhile, children the world over rejoiced at the news. 10 year old Tommy Tommerson voiced what many were no doubt thinking when he said simply “Told you so.”

Author’s postscript: I can’t believe I think I need to add this note but this is obviously a work of fiction. Vegetables are actually quite good for you. They are also, by and large, pretty gross. Oh well, can’t have it all I guess.

Author's statement: Publication of my works on Vocal.media do not represent in any way an endorsement of their outrageous and unjust censorship policies. I do not support those policies and in fact find them absurd, abhorrent, and an affront to free societies everywhere. Thank you for reading my works here, but know they are published under conditions in which freedom of expression is being muzzled. Therefore, any works of mine you read in these pages will not reflect the full range of my interests and certain topics will be by necessity greatly minimized or entirely absent. Please accept my sincere apologies on behalf of the editors and moderators of Vocal. Since they won't do it for themselves I will do it for them.