It's Part of My Testimony

I woke up around 4am and used the bathroom. My stomach was growling. I ate a salad for dinner so It was pretty light. The first thing came to my mind was I hope Madelyn isn't hungry. She's a toddler and I'm an adult and her portion was heavier than mine but she's a baby. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to feed her eventhough we get foodstamps every month. Cause of our diet it doesn't really last. I wish we could go to Dallas or Boston because those are the only places I submitted applications for housing. Other than that I'm trying to see what money I have to invest into something to create more money. I have about $300 coming in a month. I also have two ideas outside the youtube channel. My affirmation cards and the money binder, but I can't run a business out of a business because we're in temporary housing. So I'm putting all my energy into my youtube channel and I've seen significant increase in followers it's just not monetized yet. When I cry in front of her she tells me to breathe and its going to be ok but of course she doesn't understand my worry. To not be able to feed your child. That literally breaks my heart cause I been the one handing out food at the pantries to other moms. Lord knows I need clothes and comfortable shoes because I hurt my foot and my ankle is swollen. Having diabetes doesn't help it either. Being a victim is not for me, but sometimes i don't know how I'm going to do all of this. Child support and court I rather not for my own sanity but neither is struggling. I rather depend on God anyway, he always come through. Worrying doesn't help either, I'll just fast so my child can eat. Writing this really breaks my heart because I'm usually the giver, but I sinned. My daughter is a BLESSING & I love my daughter but I have so many regrets I can't seem to let go of. Like coming back to my hometown after having a successfull career out of town. That ruined my life but I also feel like my faith is bigger than my downfalls. Finding the strength is what's keeping me grounded. Letting Go of all the past has put me in a position to start from scratch in my life. The worrying has to be let go of, that doesn't solve anything. Imagine waking up with all this on your mind as a parent. Financial security is one of thee only things I think of when it comes to her. I haven't even wrote a poem lately because I can't get into my creativity. Were trying to find a home in a decent area. Managing this low income and taking care of a growing toddler with no one to depend on. Jesus! Times like this I just keep my head high cause one thing I'm not doing is quiet quitting or giving up on her. It's really hard to change my thoughts but I know it'll get better. He didn't bring me this far to give up on us. Three years in by myself. Since I'm staying in a temporary shelter, focusing on quality time and hugs is going to get us by. I'm promising my child that once I get out of here it's up. This story is going to be part of my testimony. I know I can. I can, I can, I can. Have to plug that affirmation in my brain. We lost everything, but material things can be replaced. On my life I know this season won't go in vain.

I'll hope to have an update soon of some positive occurrences. Please don't ask me about a job because the market Isn't giving, not even part time. This pain and these tears won't be for nothing.

Follow me on youtube because that's where I cook and chat with my supporters. The people that I laugh with when I'm feeling down. I thank God for waking us up everyday. It gives me a new day to look forward to. In this season will be no more disappointments, no more heart ache and a chance to move forward.