I never thought about being religious much. It never crossed my mind. I just thought if you be a good person that your life will be set before you. That you could become great. I wasn't an atheist. I just did not have a close relationship with God. I definitely did not want to go to Hell and I was not infatuated with demonic stuff. But I was still unsure about life and unsure about what I wanted to do with my life. But then things happened, things you don't expect happened. Diseases, poverty and natural disasters who knows. But everyone goes through something in this life, in this world that is unpredictable. Because if it was predictable then most people would have voided it. I was one of those people. I guess I had it coming but how could you guess I believe things just happen. I Louisa begin imagining things. I just kept seeing stuff. I don't know it appear to me like a thriller. A nightmare that will never end. And it would happen unconsciously and consciously. I just kept having these incidents daily. And I told my doctor and I told my best friend Joyce. They kept happening all of sudden and I would lose my mind. It was just awful that I had to tell the doctor I would not leave his office until he tells me what it is. And the doctor agreed and gave me testing. And the doctor gave me medicine temporarily to ease the sickness. And the next day the doctor said it's some type of mental illness. I was shocked because mental illness does not run in my family. My mother never had it. My father never had it. My grandparents never had it. And it felt like I was dying really really dying and going to hell. Everyday seem like hell. Everyday the devil will appear and say evil stuff. Everyday demons will come out and taunt me. I could not work. I could not hang out around most people or certain people. It was a nightmare. And I finally told my friend Joyce after going through numerous upton amount of tests. Joyce told me she believe it. She told me that we should pray just pray. And I told her I would think about it. Joyce got louder and said Louisa you can't think. You can't function properly. You are living in hell and you don't want help. You don't want assurance. You don't want peace. You don't want hope. You don't want God. God is good. God is greater than your illness. God is greater than your problem. I will pray for you. Pray for you to trust God. God is your doctor. Just listen to this song. And after I was done meeting with Joyce who gave me a CD called I Love the Lord. I hugged Joyce and told her good bye. That night was awful something was trying to take me out. Something had grip me and I was struggling to sleep. and I got up and heard a voice say listen to the CD. And I listen and begin crying profusely. I never listened to church music lately. But I was missing something and I put the CD on replay all night. And I fell to my knees and said God if you are there in Heaven on the Throne, forgive me. Forgive me for not listening to you. Forgive me for not believing in you. Help me, help me Father. If you healed me touch me right now I will run from Hell. I will run with you. I will do your will. In Jesus name Amen. And I kept the CD on and took some more medicine and slept on the sofa with a blanket and pillow. And I slept and I did it again and again and again. Eventually, I finally told my doctor and Joyce gave me a Bible after telling her. And she prayed with me and I got saved and begin reading daily. And that's my life with a mental illness, I trust God reading his word and praying and praising Him. And testifying and being thankful, my relationship is closer. And taking my medicine, now I've been changed and for God I live no matter what for God I die.
About the Creator
Matthew Primous
I am a Black Scholar, International Scholar, & Google Scholar, & 3-Time Eber & Wein Best Poet., Nominee for Poet of the Year, 2020 Black Author Matters Winner, 2 time Akademia Excellence Essayists,& 2022 Honorary Muckrack Journalist.
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The Good Fortune
I am just a poor little woman from Bach, Mississippi. What do I know about anything? My father was poor and my mother was poor. All my siblings started from poverty. What do I know about wealth? I never thought in my wildest dreams of anything. Because too much is given much is required says the Good Book. I never thought in my life. It started while working at the restaurant. I worked at my uncle's restaurant since I was 14. I never asked for no raise. I never asked for anything. I was just happy to cook and work. Because that's what my parents taught me. You worked hard you receive. You worked hard you get. You worked and worked and a blessing. The only name I went by was Rebekka. All my friends called me Rebekka and all my family called me Rebekka. I was Rebekka of Bach, Mississippi. And my family lived here most of their lives ever since slavery ended. We lived in these shacks and never looked back. We were just happy to be freed and without bondage. You oppressed people so much that they just want to be freed., They just want to be by themselves. All by themselves and don't care about money or fame. Although I was famous in church for my Southern gumbo. The Pastor said Rebekka cooked us some of the most excellent gumbo that God gave you. I would be like all Pastor don't. My grandma and mother taught me and my uncle did give me the job. And after being shy of relationships and being married. This man came to my uncle restaurant. He must of been an out of townee or something. He had on this fancy suit and this suitcase. And he would order just a sandwich and chips and a light drink each time. My uncle thought he is from the IRS or some federal agencies. I thought nay he must be up to something. So he told me to keep watch and have good conversations. I shouted Hey you. And he politely looked at me. What;'s your name? My name is Rebekka everybody call me Rebekka. He politely said Mr. Peterson. I said let me buy you a drink on the house. You will love the Caribbean, it's sweet and tangy and full of flavor. And he said Thanks. So I made him the house drink. he just said thanks. I said where are you from? He said pulling his glasses off I am from an agency. i said what the government or something? He said No. And he had a phone call that made him abruptly leave. And I went in the back after checking everyone on a full house. I told my uncle. And he said he still thinks he is from the IRS. He eventually came back and asked what church I go to? I said Calvary Baptist Church down the street. My family always go to church most of the week and so does everybody else. He said Good when is service? I said well they usually do service every Sunday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. He said I will be there and you will find out why I am here. So I politely wave to him and told uncle. And uncle sweated and said be there and tell everyone that I will give them a discount if they find out why he is here. I said Whoa I am not making that gumbo. Uncle if I find out you better hire a new staff because I am tired of gumbo. Days later on Saturday, we were having church and praising the Lord and I was getting my praise on. Just because God is that good and I liked to thank him. And just before prayer, Mr. Peterson stepped in and he said he has to testify. I am from one of the agencies up North. And somebody I need to talk to. Everybody begin talking and scared. The Pastor silenced the church with the choir humming the spiritual, It is Well. And the Pastor spoke to Mr. Peterson and asked him privately but Mr. Peterson resisted and said I will talk to you if I could bring the person out. The Pastor let him. Mr. Peterson said I am looking for Saint, the last name is Saint. And the church laughed we all are Saints in God's eyes. What are you talking about man? said the Pastor. Mr. Peterson said Julia Saint. And the church started asking each other. Then the Pastor said Can we please get on with the sermon? People have to go home. Mr. Peterson said Her name starts with an R. I was shocked but so were the other people. Mr. Peterson said born in Virginia, Mississippi. And my uncle came into the meeting. And he heard and pulled me out and said Rebekka your real name is Julia Rebekka Saint and you were adopted. I said No uncle no. He said shaking his head yeah yeah. I almost passed out when my uncle straighten me out to save the town by saying it was me. I said it quietly and a little louder and then loudly. And Mr. Peterson said That;'s your name, ah ah ah I found her. You are the heir of Mr. and Mrs. Saint you are worth a fortune. Then I passed out and the church members came to help me. i said No Lord no. I worked all my life. I am not a rich snob. I worked all my life. The next day Mr. Peterson met me alone at the restaurant while my uncle was getting the restaurant ready. Mr. Peterson told me about my parents and he reassured me that I was their only heir. Then he asked me what I would do with the money. And I said spend on charities, save the church, repair the restaurant, and live well. Mr. Peterson said You really impressed me. You are thoughtful and kind. Your parents could not have prepared for this. Your check will be in the mail. Good Day Ms. Julia Rebekka Saint.
By Matthew Primous28 days ago in Confessions
Broken Hearts Fall Silent
Attraction can sometimes be a deceptive guide, leading us through a mirage of charm only to leave us stranded in a harsh reality. It's a cruel twist of fate when the dream we chase turns into a nightmare we cannot escape. The realization that we've been deceived by our own feelings is a bitter pill to swallow, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our broken illusions. Yet, it's often through these painful experiences that we grow stronger and learn to see beyond the veil of mere appearances.
By Mercedes Chavez13 days ago in Confessions
Gone girl to Goth girl
The year was 2002, less than a year prior, my entire world was flipped upside down at the age of six years old. My parents were separating and I was moving to a new town with which will soon become my hometown- Wantagh, NY. I started the first grade in a new house, a new town and ultimately a new life with my mother and my sister. I will never forget the moment that i put my copy of "Let go" by Avril Lavigne into my walkman. The opening song Losing Grip plays and in that moment at merely seven years old, I felt a true connection to music. Within an hour of listening to this debut album, i was transcended. At a time where every other girl idolized pop stars like Britney Spears, I started to paint my nails black and wear all black clothes and high top converse. The song "Complicated" became the theme to my life. It was my go to karaoke song as a young girl. It's like i knew something beyond my years and it was my first outlet to express myself. Almost 22 years later, it still very much resonates in an all but similar way.
By Carly Catalano7 days ago in Confessions
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