Howard Bubski Explains Why He Is Safer Than A Bear In the Forest

You have probably read the headlines:

"90% of women would prefer to be alone in the forest with a bear than with a man."

The same people who wrote these headlines also say one in three women have experienced being physically threatened by a man. That sounds shocking until you realize there are only 200,000 bears in the world, but 4 billion men. Then it sort of makes sense, doesn't it? 

And numbers aren't everything. Take the fact that there are 1,800,000,0000,000 bananas in the world at any one time. People don't walk around worried about being attacked by bananas.

And they simply ignore the epidemic of coconut violence against humans.

Which all led me to reaching out and interacting with some real people.

Yesterday, I saw my neighbor Liz was home, so I went over and asked her what she thought about the subject.

“You're a good guy, Howard. Definitely, I would not want to be alone with the bears.” 

To prove her point, she returned inside to finish cooking breakfast, and locked the patio door behind her to make sure no bears could get in.

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To continue my field research, I continued to ask every woman in my proximity about the bear safety question, and they told me the same thing: afraid of bears.

When I graciously explained to them that us guys just want to keep an eye on them for their own good, to keep them safe, they all came to see this new “meme” for what it is, pure nonsense.

However, there was one rude young lady working at the supermarket who wanted to argue:

“Well, you know, women don't walk to their cars together at night to avoid being attacked by bears” 

I immediately told her this was a straw man argument, shouting loudly so she could hear me over the counter. She didn't know what I meant by that, but had the audacity to continue arguing.

“Parents don't teach their daughters to avoid talking to bears they don't know.”

I highlighted that she was speaking to me, someone she didn't know me, so this was another obvious falsehood.

She said I had a good point and went on break, then a man took over her spot behind the deli counter. 

Vindicated with my success at convincing her of the validity of my argument, I wrapped up my systematic inquiries on this topic.

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My conclusion, putting all the data together, is women who are more afraid of men than bears are simply crazy.

And I know this as a fact, because there is one woman who is willing to take a walk with me in the forest, because we do that once every summer. After my hip replacement, my wife says I would definitely be easier to outrun than a bear.

When I explained to her the lunacy of women preferring bears to men, and went through the stats to prove it, her face beamed with pleasure at learning something new. Flushed with gratitude, she took my wheelchair to the veranda for some fresh air, and even wondered aloud what type of wildlife we have in the suburbs of Racine, Wisconsin. 

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Thanks for taking the time to read my article!

My new book “Diaries of an Insurance Claims Adjuster - Volume #1” is coming soon from Simon & Schuster (just kidding, it's self-published.)

The story of how I began writing, “At Age 64, They Told Me to Keep Writing” is on Medium.com.

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Author's Note: I'm posting this on behalf of Howard Bubski, who claims that some characters and events portrayed are fictitious, even though it mostly rings true to me. 

I will attempt to explain to Howard that the men vs. bears meme is just a thought experiment to make a point about human male aggression, and not something to take literally and get angry about.