I have a problem. I want readers on Vocal to take me more seriously than I likely merit. When I read the really good writers on this platform, I am reminded of what serious writing looks like.
Amazingly, some of those writers actually read my work. But most days I feel like I crashed a party that I wasn't invited too. Sort of like trying to join a clique in school where you don't belong.
That's my problem.
I want to belong. I want to write with the depth and pathos that characterizes the writing of the best writers on this platform.
I began seriously honing my craft almost 30 years ago. But I plateaued a decade ago. The tricks and patterns that characterize far too much of my writing make me cringe now.
Story openings that I have used over and over again with minor modifications.
Phrases that I have over relied on that have morphed into my own personal cliches.
The same tired symbols and metaphors that infect almost all of my stories and poetry.
Sometimes I feel so close to accomplishing something truly original with a story or a poem, and then I read someone who also entered the same challenge, and I am reminded what original actually looks and feels like.
I feel more and more like Salieri withering with envy of Mozart in the film Amadeus. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some of us are just pretty good.
At the beginning of 2024, I made up my mind that this year would be different, this year I was going to find an audience. And for the first two months of the year, I felt like I had.
To put it mildly, it was exhilarating. But I enjoyed it less in March and April was simply miserable. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was kidding myself.
If you want people to read your stories, you have to read theirs. It's a transparent proposition. I had a simple strategy. Locate a group of good writers and read everything they post, every day. Take time to leave meaningful comments that indicate I had both read and appreciated their stories.
Honestly that is not hard for me. I have always loved to read, and there are a lot of really fine writers who post on Vocal. Even though the rule of the day is still I scratch your back and you scratch mine, I have found 6 or 7 writers that I try to read every time they post whether they return the favor or not. I love reading good writing and I won't deprive myself if the reads aren't reciprocated.
That does not mean I won't get my feelings hurt, since I'm human after all.
But the heart wants what it wants. I want to write better fiction and better poetry than I'm currently able and likely always will. At this point, I am not willing to post stories every other day because I'm not enjoying it anymore.
I have struggled with performance anxiety my whole life, and the last couple of months it's been intolerable. I gave up art for over twenty-years for the same reasons. I was never as good at it as I thought I could be.
At this point my inclination is to put renewed emphasis on my artistic pursuits for a while. I'll likely continue to write and post on Vocal but with less frequency. For now, I plan to continue reading other writers posts for the foreseeable future since I have grown to enjoy the writing of so many of you.
About the Creator
John Cox
Family man, grandfather, retired soldier and story teller with an edge.
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At the Sheltering Doors
The doors, they always scrambled for the doors first. When they arrive and always by night it was a race to desperately bar the creatures entry to the house in the slow crawl of numb feet that the dream would impose upon him. He never seemed fast enough and the creatures uninhibited by the same constraints always made the doors first. The houses in his dream-scapes vary night to night - Some are mansions, others shacks and some are distorted contortions of his childhood home which burned down when he was ten. But the doors are always the same – frail, loose hinged and never could be fully shut. The creatures too vary – twisted and corrupted forms of animals and people familiar to him: family dogs preternaturally swollen to twice their size with rotting coats of mange and slicked damp with dark liquids of decay. The people too were bloated vestiges of ones vaguely familiar to him but whose names escape him. Their eyes gorged wide with dark blood which streaked their mottled faces in crusted trails like lost rivers which hung from their chins swinging in ropy columns beneath paling yellowed teeth. To let them break through would mean death. This he knew with grave certainty. At the door was desperation and panic as their stench emanated forth, sickly and pungent like vomit and mold and ending in a gruesome exhalation like cancer, the stench sticky and clinging invading his nostrils and lungs never to be expunged. Then in the sudden waking he never knew if he repelled them or not.
By Kevin Rolly4 days ago in Horror
Comments (15)
You have been such an encouragement to me & my writing attempts… and I’ve enjoyed every one of your pieces I’ve read. I’m an avid reader, but unfortunately days don’t have sufficient hours in them 😵💫… It’s annoying how work & life gets in the way 🥺. My son said about my writing… the main thing is that I enjoy it… which I try to hold on to. Hoping you’ll keep at it 🙃.
I understand what you're saying, John. Forced art, forced writing, forced anything is first and foremost forced. And forced anything just doesn't work. I'm happy to read about the vulnerability you are allowing yourself. The best creativity comes from knowing one's self, IMO. Take whatever time away you choose. Delve into art. Find your voice or reframe it until your ready to hone it again, hopefully next time with less pressure. In the meantime, read, read, read -- and of course enjoy time with loved ones doing what you love most to do. Challenge yourself to experience new endeavors too, away from creating. Push gently at the edges of your comfort zone. You are an excellent writer, but if you're not enjoying the process, it becomes work. And that's not what writing (at least on Vocal) exists for. I look forward to reading your catalogue of already existing writing on Vocal, and to reading more from you whenever your ready. And I look forward to reading your comments and insights on any work of mine you choose to honor with a read.
I don't think anyone should write too seriously. Writing is creation, and creation is play. That's where the good stuff is, where the real originality happens. Messing about 😀
This is boldly vulnerable and I appreciate you sharing your struggles related to art, writing, and Vocal. A lot of what you mentioned was very relatable. So thank you for voicing your experiences and frustrations so honestly! You are a wonderful story teller!! And poet! I will never forget your Eclipse challenge entry. Probably going to reread it after this! I’m also looking forward to finishing Sins of the Reaper and get into your other series! I try and keep up with reading a work from several creators, but when I’m tired after a busy day there’s only a few I actually look forward to reading and you’re one of them. So I do hope you continue to write and also completely understand the need for a reprieve!
John, what are you even going on about? Now I'm wondering if you and I see the same things when we look at your writing because whenever I read your stories, I always think to myself that I wish I could write like you! Your storyline, your twists, they're all so good and always have me hooked! If you're not a serious writer, then I don't know who is. I feel like you're having imposter syndrome because you mentioned you have performance anxiety. I understand that because I'm the same. But if it makes you feel better to post less and read more, by all means, you of course can do that. But if you write something, don't ever hesitate to publish it because that would break my heart. Please know that I really do mean it when I say that it's my pleasure to read your work! I always look forward to and get excited whenever you post something. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
Goodness, you are most definitely a serious writer (and a brilliant commenter). You just get things on a fundamental level and I appreciate that so much, both as a reader and a writer. I've almost given up on writing for this platform every few months. Every challenge loss or story that receives little attention picks away at my self-worth. I feel as though you could've written this for me in that I have so many of the same doubts and concerns. Like why keep doing something that doesn't bring you joy anymore? But I stay for the community. I hope you do too, but understand if you don't. Please know that I think you are a very talented writer despite not reading your serialized pieces. I can't keep up with those, which is my terrible loss. And I too struggle with that fine line between perseverance and self-protection. I think we all might to some degree. Should we keep pressing on or take a break, it's hard to say. Whatever you do, know that your thoughtfulness and kindness have meant so much to me :)
Hi, John. I've felt the same as you for a very long time before I found my passion for writing. I kept seeking something to fulfill my creative lust (for lack of a better work, lol). Drawing was fun, venturing into painting, but I could never get it 'right', nothing came out the way I envisioned it. I'm a truly horrible speller (thank god for spell check), but one day I started writing, and just kept going. This platform is great, but at times I feel if a story is longer than a 3 min read, nobody will read it, oh well. I truly hope you keep writing here as I've enjoyed everything of yours that I've read so far but do what feels right to you, of course. You have my respect, and I have and do appreciate your reads and comments. On a side note, I'm assuming you do all your own artwork for your story covers which are amazing! I love you new profile picture!
Hi there, John. I totally understand the frustration. I think we have all seen engagement dwindle. I try to wrap my mind around it and think of why. The first obvious answer is people are reading less. A second possible answer is our stories get buried in the notifications feed lessening the chances of being seen by our subscribers. I don’t anyone can think of a reason to avoid your work. It’s beyond good, it great. I enjoy writers that offer me an Opportunity to learn from their scribblings. Enviable in some cases. If I had your vocab skills alone, I could easily sail to the next level of this writing journey. I wish there was a way that submissions could go back to the top of the feed every 24 hours for 2-3 days. Giving subscribers more opportunities to see what the might have missed. Not a very practical solution at all considering the amount of publish stories. But just a thought. I do hope you continue to write here. You have the ability to touch us with your words. Realizations and emotional impact that can last a lifetime. Thank you so much for what you do.
I think you're a great writer and a great storyteller. I really enjoyed the series I read recently (damned if I can remember the name of it, because I got a head like a seive). I know we all like our work to be seen, and it can be depressing when it doesn't happen. I think reads are down for most everyone. My average is cut in half compared to just a few months ago, so it's not just you. Also, I agree with Paul in that people seem to stray from longer pieces, myself included. It's a shame. When I first joined, all the fictions were longer pieces, and we read them. My brother said Vocal ruined the fiction category when they added micros onto the platform, because nobody wants to read the longer ones anymore. Heck, I don't even want to write the longer ones anymore. Here's the bottom line for me. Even though reads and reciprocation have dropped, I still enjoy writing and reading others work. That's why I'm still here. And why I'm hoping you'll stick around. That said, do whatever makes you feel best.
I understand how you feel because there are times, especially when I'm ignored in contests that I want to give the whole thing up. Then I'll get some encouraging feedback from fellow writers, you included, or a top story and it rejuvenates me. I find your stories captivating and although none of us may ever reach the level of Hemingway or King, it's fun to try and get there.
I am completely flummoxed. John Cox - not a serious writer? I think not. You've talked about imposter syndrome before. I don't think it applies. You have people who regularly read you and you caught on quicker than me that the way to garner support was to read other people's work. I dipped my toe in here and there at first with the odd vague comment but I am, I will admit, a lurker, rather than a participant. It's not that I like the shadows but I most definitely don't like to draw attention to myself. But I do like to be read and so, I read. I read your stuff because I like it and where it takes me. I do it out of loyalty too but I don't think there's anything wrong with that, because you're my friend and friends support each other as best they can. Whatever my motive, I like your writing. If you feel like your writing is stagnating, take a break. I can relate to this wholeheartedly because I feel like some of my stories are a rehash of the same old themes, coloured slightly differently and I don't want to renege on the challenge and so, I doggedly plough forwards, hesitating for a microsecond before publishing when I have doubt, because the challenge is all at the moment and I am determined to succeed at it, even if I produce less than exemplary stories. I've battled with the same feelings as you and the same self-doubt. Am I as good as I think I am? Maybe? But ultimately, I think about my reasons for writing and they are because I love to tell stories. I get pictures in my head and I want to write them down, to place them on a page and sort them like a satisfying jigsaw puzzle or build them into something like a piece of embroidery. And I like that process and I like reading them back too. If people read my work, it gives me a thrill. I can't deny that. But more and more, I realise that it is the storytelling that drives me. I love it when I'm applauded because I am human and it matters. Of course. But telling stories - that's the thing. Imagining people and places and conversations and scenarios. You know, I think you're taking the right attitude. Read and reflect and see where that takes you. Leave it sit and come back to it when you're ready. I hope this still means that you will be on here because I have come to value your presence and I would miss you if you were not here.
John...I am sorry...I know I don't always reciprocate for often reasons that for longer pieces...I tend to shy away with until I have more time. I also get caught up on writing my own stuff in the time I have after work and stuff. That's all on me and not your fault. You are a serious writer, though...I do see that anytime I dip into your writing...you know the craft and craft these interesting, insightful, deeply human stories about people (often broken, I've noticed) So I wanted to say that. I will endeavour to read more (not just cos you've said it here, but because I want to) I also wanted to say that the not fitting in...the imposter syndrome...I get that all the time. I constantly feel out of place. I'll write something I think is awesome and the best thing ever...and read someone else's piece that just blows it out of the water, lol. I think that is maybe a commonplace thing? I think it also shows humility and that you're humble - though when we lean to it too much it can crush. I too have been feeling it as well and I know I am bad at reciprocating and reading other people's stuff at time. But, my numbers have gone down and I have like a core of constant readers....I keep wondering if my work would work better elsewhere. I love Vocal becausse of the people I've met here and that chance to get instant feedback/thoughts...and I've noticed a lot of people seem to echo the same thoughts... Like Hannah's point about the plateau...I wish I could offer some advice or encouragement. but, to say you're not a serious writer. When I consider you more of a serious writer than myself...that's just not on, sorry sir. Not allowed. Lol. I am sorry you've been feeling all this though, John.
John, you "belong" in a class all your own. Every story reveals your heart, integrity, and character, and I am NEVER short-changed. You are not one bit afraid to expose yourself and your emotions in your work and that takes so much courage. I love your authenticity. You are one of my go-to readers to better my own writing. And I am most grateful for the comments and encouragement you give to me. You seem to always just "get" my stories...maybe it's because we are from the South?
John! Ok. Let's approach this one thing at a time, I have several points. Firstly, fine. If you feel like that, fine, do what you need to do because this isn't about getting your soul crushed, but, also, point two, I view you as a serious writer. Your work is consistently high quality, interesting, enjoyable, and I confess, I haven't read your serialisations, which is probably my loss, but I tend not to read anybody's serialisations for the same reason I've never seen most soap operas - I got sucked into one for a couple of years and I felt compelled to go on investing my time in it whether I was enjoying it or not. I've been down that road with a few serialisations on here! But you are in my list of "if he published it, I will come" in all other works. But three, I KNOW! This week on vocal I have had some really lovely bolstering, but it feels like they're on to me - they're on to me because my renewal day is coming up and I've been wondering whether to renew. I feel like I've plateaued you see. And I know you see. I feel like I'm repeating myself. I'm not repeating YOU here, I'm repeating what I've been saying to my partner. I feel like I'm repeating myself, and to an ever dwindling audience at that! I feel like I'm investing a lot of time in reading other people's work which is 50% valuable, and 50% stopping me doing other things, like my own work, or like engaging with my kids, because my time is really not mine to do with as I please and should not be either. So I want to say how remarkably similar I feel, and I've contemplated writing this piece myself lately, but how fraudulent that sounds off the back of the last few days, but I do get it, and if you need to invest your energy elsewhere for a while then do, but also, don't think you're not a serious writer. No, that's the wrong phrase. Don't think you're not good enough. Perhaps some of us need a way off the plateau, and I don't know the route, they all look sheer and implausible from here, but I'm at that point of wondering whether to content myself with the feeling of intermittent confidence I get here, which I enjoy in so few domains of my life, or search for something that feels like progress.
John, I feel ya!! Many times I feel exactly as you. I do stories for challenges; I edit them, and re-edit, I make sure there are no errors and spend time selecting photos. I try hard to read stories on vocal and comment. Sometimes it is exhausting and I feel like I have no time for writing and going outdoors. So I feel ya!! Your art is amazing and it would be great if Vocal had a place for Creators’ art to be posted and credited in our stories if the artist agreed. I love your stories!! 🫶🏻🤗🤗