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Anger Management

It Seems I Have A Problem

By Meggen Olson Published 3 months ago 3 min read
2
Anger Management
Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash

It seems that I've been inconsolably angry for a long time. It's only been in the last several years that I've realized this, but it's there, and it burns like hell whenever I choose to pay attention to it. Honestly, I pay attention to it a lot, so it's constantly there. Is it any wonder why we can't safely communicate with each other? I've tried to chalk it up to everything under the sun: I'm from a younger generation, I wasn't raised like you or by you, I'm mentally different from you... Nothing has made me feel better save for the fact that I know the triggers between you and me now.

So what do we do about it now? We've gone our separate ways for a while now and so far, so good. That's how I'd like it to keep going. But you won't be around forever, and I can't spend the rest of the time pretending that you don't exist in my life. I don't know if it's even worth it to me to try and express how angry all the comments you've made to me over the years made me. The fact of the matter is that in my eyes, you're my abuser... well one of many actually... the lack of understanding and compassion for my traumas and my neurodivergence (ironic because you worked with students and people with educational challenges like mine) makes me wonder why you chose to do the work you did and why you pretend you care about me now. I suppose if you had it your way, I'd be some pretty little carbon copy of you, but that would mean that I compromise my personhood and my desires for a life that makes no sense to me and one that I would be instantly miserable trying to live.

The problem is that you don't know me at all. You say you deeply love and care about me, and that's well and good. I do believe that's true. But it's not the genuine version of me you appreciate or love. You love the idea of me, the one you can mold and make into your image. And the fact that seems to be the case makes me want to light a match to everything we've tried to be to each other; I want to torch every plank of the bridge we still have left between us and leave you watching the flames from the other side. I want to destroy your heart by ignoring the answers you're trying to give me when I ask you a question. I want to dismiss your passions and your desires because they're not "good enough" for anyone to pay attention. I want to put you down for sharing a silly little thing that made you happy in the moment. And I want to do all of this while being ignorant of the fact that you're one unique human out of billions of people.

I know you won't see this, and you don't even care to ask me how I'm feeling as I'm writing this. But the words need to be put somewhere and the anger needs to be used in some way before I act the fool and do something stupid. If you only knew the person you failed to get to know... you'd realize how deeply cutting the words you've said to me are and how much of a loss in your life you've just incurred by saying them to me. I know it's not my job to fix you and it's not my place to tell you who to be in your life. But it is MY job to live MY LIFE on MY TERMS and that's what I intend to do, whether you're with me or not.

Stream of ConsciousnessLifeCONTENT WARNING
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About the Creator

Meggen Olson

Hey guys. My name is Meg. I'm a writer, artist and tarot reading based in SoCal. I love writing and hope to share my work with you in this way. Please enjoy and let me know if you have any feedback for me. I'm happy to help where I can.

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  • Test3 months ago

    Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's an essential aspect of personal growth and emotional well-being. Your journey is unique, and you have the right to live your life authentically.

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