It is hard for one to speak about the darkest moments in their lives. There is a raw, emotional and mental drainage that overwhelms our thoughts. However, I have been silent for years about the trauma I have endured. I think the biggest fear is that no one will understand why I never spoke up and when I did, why did it take so long? Again, understanding is not what one is looking for when they share their experiences; they are simply looking to share their story. So here is mine:
To the man who defiled me:
In a moment of vulnerability, you preyed on me. You lurked and sought out the right time to hunt me down, when my guard was not up. The question is: Was I supposed to have my guard up? Were you not the man whom was to protect me and build me up? Don't we share the same DNA?
While we do share the same DNA, you were never my father. You groomed me from day one. You taught me the wrong kind of love and fogged my mind up with confusion. You stole a huge portion of my life and now that you are no longer in it, I have finally moved on without you. Because you were wrong: I can survive without you.
In my true and purest of innocence, you took advantage and used your role in my life to gain credit for what you did. As a child, my mind is clouded on the things that happened. But I don't forget the last thing you ever did to me. See I recall that day over and over in my head.
In a moment of weakness, you made me feel worthless. Lying on the bathroom floor barely able to breathe as the sheer weight of your body pressed against me. The smell of your cologne and the share needles on your cheeks brushed up against me. For I wanted to scream and cry, but I did not. I laid there in silence, afraid for my life. I knew that fighting back always made things worse.
After what seemed to be forever, you finally got up and walked away. At that moment I broke down. I tried to get up off the floor, but before I could a shadow lurked behind me. As I glanced up, there stood another man, whom I had never seen. Through the pure look of evil in his eyes, I knew my nightmare was not over. Before I could move, he pushed me down, pulling my head back and pushing every last breathe out of me again, he raped me too. The worst part is, you stood there and watched as your daughter laid lifeless on the floor.
My body was numb and cold. My soul felt so empty and lifeless. When you were said and done, I was left alone to pick myself back up. Alone, I stood there crying in silence, so that you could not see that you broke me. However, you did break me, only for a moment in time. Because here I stand today stronger than I ever was before because of what you did to me.
My unspoken words to you, destroyed me for years. I never told you how much you took from me and how much I suffered alone in silence. At that time, I did not have anyone to turn to and for that reason I stayed silent. But today I have a beautiful daughter whom I would never want to feel the need to be silent. I want my baby girl to grow up strong and to fight for her life no matter what comes her way. You did not break me and you play no role in the woman I am today.