So When Are You Having Kids?

Let me start off by saying that I AM NOT A MOTHER. I am not trying to discredit women who want to be stay-at-home moms. I tip my hat to the women who wake up before the sun rises because their infant needs to be fed. To the mothers who tuck their toddlers in at night and read them bedtime stories. To the women who inadvertently speak to adults like one of their children, because they rarely interact with grown ups anymore since they are 24/7 Bubble Guppy watching, Bob the Builder toy playing, Disney sing-along karaokers. This message is NOT for you, though you need to know how important and worthwhile you are.

This message is for any kindred spirit who has been made to feel like children are the end-all, be-all of our existence... and refuse to accept it.

From the time I was a teenager I was consistently asked, "So when do you want to have kids?"

"Never," I would say.

"You say that now. I'm sure you'll change your mind."Later, when I got engaged... at 20-years-old (which apparently made me a target for all women who were old enough to be my mother to "advise" me), I had to deal with an onslaught of this question. Only this time when asked when I wanted children and I STILL responded with "never," the retort was, "Oh, you're still young." Then they would proceed to wave me off as if I was a naive child, asking why the sky was blue.

After I got married, I really started to feel the pressure from my in-laws and own mother as to "When was I going to give them grandchildren?!"

"I don't want children."

"But it's different when they're your own."

*Insert screaming child throwing a tantrum here*

🙄

After a decade of being spoken to as if I didn't know what I wanted and having the same conversation again and again with different people, I was aggravated and became abrasive when the topic would inevitably come up.

"Hey, you're married, when do you and your husband want kids?"

"I don't want to have kids. I don't want to give up my life, my hopes, my dreams. My gift to humanity is that I will not bring another asshole into this world."

"Oh (uncomfortable pause)... How does your husband feel about that?"

👿....IS MY HUSBAND GOING TO BE THE STAY-AT-HOME PARENT?! IS MY HUSBAND GOING TO BE THE ONE TO GIVE BIRTH?! IS MY HUSBAND GOING TO BE THE ONE WHOSE BODY CHANGES FOREVER?! IS MY HUSBAND GOING TO BE BREAST FEEDING?!

Over and over, I was made to feel like I was meant to be some kind of breading machine... and if I spoke out against it, I was looked at and treated as if I had a chemical imbalance.

"You don't want children?! What's wrong with you?!" Despite that these words were said in jest, they bore voice to the looks of discomfort women gave me, the judgement I received, and the feeling of solitude that came with it.

Then I finally came across this video and I was given hope that I wasn't the only one.

After years of encountering the same kind of people—what seemed to be a mass production of, "Oh my God, load up the Volvo, I wanna be a soccer mom!" (Yes, that quote is from Phoebe on Friends)—there was finally a woman who was pulling the words right out of my mouth. I felt validated. Whole. I was no longer the circus freak or the black sheep. I discovered that there were more women like me... women who were BORN without the desire of wanting children.

Society had forced the "American Dream" of "first comes love, then come marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage," onto me my whole life. After all, that very phrase is from a children's hand clap game. Now, because everyone else was brain washed into it... or actually DID desire having children, I was viewed as the odd ball out. The fact that I was ostracized because I refused to conform to everybody else's desires IS INSANE.

BUT NOW... I believe the group of "I want to put myself first, and I don't want to have children... ever" women are growing in numbers. They are called selfish, they are looked down upon, and others have the audacity to say that they will be "forever alone."

However, I'm here to say that those words are a load of bull shit. It's not selfish to know what you want, go for it, and not let anything or anyone stand in your way. That is blatant determination. As far as getting looked down upon... the generations that come before us always want to correct their mistakes through the generation that comes after them, and learning from their poor choices is how we advance our futures. Finally, "forever alone" can shove a proverbial stick up its ass.

I'm so glad to be part of the time where women are fighting back. We are more than incubators.