Objectification is my biggest trigger

Addressed or unaddressed, we all have internalized misogyny. It is a sneaky thing, snakes its way into many areas of our lives. The symptoms of a patriarchal society often go unnoticed, and can be difficult to identify.

As I’ve learned more about myself

My past

(Not to point fingers)

I’ve realized it’s not my fault. There were people in my life that let me down, which is not a reflection of my personhood. Nor does it mean that I am undeserving of love and healing.

It’s not anyone else’s fault, either. I do not blame individuals for the pain I’ve experienced; I’ve caused pain too, I would hope for grace from those I’ve hurt. It is only fair that I extend that to others.

Pain can be a chance to learn.

Finding patterns of pain can help us to identify the problems that may be causing us pain.

For me, objectification and misogyny has caused a lot of pain.

I’ve felt unequal to my male peers since I was a child.

The expectations were different.

For some reason, I was expected to know better. Boys were often given grace, I was handed shame and guilt.

That was a pattern I learned. I know many of us have experienced similar feelings, regardless of gender and social conditioning.

Self-shaming is a dangerous cycle.

In many interactions, I was expected to know exactly how to act. No mistakes.

If there was a miscommunication, there must have been something I could have done differently.

I’ll try to be more clear next time.

I’m still processing a lot of my own misogyny, and the ways that I have been objectified. I know the little ways it shows up in conversations, but I am not great at identifying specific triggers (there are so many.)

I am usually not given the chance to finish a thought before someone adds their own. I am expected to fill a need for others, and when I’ve filled that role, I am done.

Regardless of my knowledge on a subject, I am not usually asked my opinion.

From years of being shushed, the fire in my bones burns a little stronger. I get loud quickly.

That’s not okay, either. I don’t get grace for my emotions, like others around me. I am supposed to be in control of my reactions (and I try to be).

I share my true feelings, and I’m chastised. So I keep quiet, keep getting angrier, until the cycle starts over again.

No big deal.

I have big emotions. We have big emotions. We were all raised in trauma, some more than others, and that changes you.

I try to be aware of my big reactions. That doesn’t change what they are.

If you try to make me feel small,

If you try to make me feel “less than” or less intelligent or less capable, less thoughtful, less ANYTHING

I’m going to assume that you’re in the grips of the patriarchy. I’m going to know exactly what I look like to you.

I hate being looked at

Which is why I stay home. Easier that way

I hate being spoken to, which is why I stay quiet. Sometimes I still open my mouth, use that as an opportunity to get some rage out, but I know it doesn’t make a difference to the misogynist.

To the femmes in my life: I am sorry for my misogyny. I am sorry for playing into it and perpetuating it.

I define myself by my “moves,” a capitalistic patriarchal signifier. My schooling, my job, my projects, my thoughts. My husband!

That’s not me.

I don’t really know what I believe now, but I was raised in Christianity. I still consider that my spiritual home.

Modern American Christianity (even the church I’ve loved my whole life) is full of misogyny.

Misogyny breeds codependency. Christianity is no exception. This can be seen in purity culture and the cycles of abuse that go unnoticed in the church.

If there is a problem in the marriage, it’s often the woman’s job to change something. The woman’s job to fix the man, or teach him how to fix it.

Women are often more defensive of men’s ideas or things than men have told them than they are of their own ideas, or things that go against the societal (patriarchal) norm.

There is also an idea that men are around to solve all of the problems that are “too big” for the women. While the women are preoccupied with their own family's dysfunction, the men wreak havoc on the institutions they choose to be involved in, under the protective veil of those same institutions (hello, 2020.)

Women: the relational issues we are trying to solve (trauma, the emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, miscommunications, etc.) are too big to solve on our own. Men: the issues you’re trying to solve (in government, corporations, etc.) are too big to solve on your own.

If you only talk to men about misogyny, what're you doing? That’s misogynistic.

We have larger problems in the world. I realize that.

But if we can rid ourselves of this underlying sense of hierarchy, it may be easier for us to admit when we may be wrong. Or easier to see each other as humans instead of seeing each other as objects.

Men in our society are more likely to think that humans are fundamentally flawed. Women are more likely to see the value in healing or working for a higher purpose, while men under capitalism are often-

(based on my own observations of men in my life and as men are portrayed in media)

-more focused on making sure THEIR family is okay. Making sure THEY will be able to get through life without many bumps, and patriarchy tells us it’s the man’s job to do that. Shame about not being able to do that can damage a person's ego.

When women bring larger issues to the attention of the men in their life, it is not often well-received. They’re told they’re being over dramatic, or worrying too much.

Consider: you cannot handle the complex emotional gymnastics that it takes to understand the issues we are concerned about. That takes lots of practice.

I see misogyny everywhere. I am not interested in identifying “good men” and “bad men.” We are all misogynistic, women too, and we all have work to do.

Under the patriarchy, women are expected to be more socially conscious, more selfless, more empathetic.

Men, is it maybe time to start seriously listening to some of the ideas of women? Including ones you’ve resisted in the past?

If you only see women for the role they play in your life, reconsider your misogyny. Your wife is probably fantastic. She may even be a feminist!

That doesn’t mean you aren’t sexist. You don’t magically get your sexism taken away, just because you’ve won over one woman.

(I know I’m talking in heteronormative terms here. Forgive me.)

It also doesn’t mean that you magically know how to respect all women, just because you can respect one woman.

Women are diverse!

We require different types of respect. The way you treat one woman does not translate to every woman.

In leadership positions: saying “does anyone else have anything to add?” and glancing around the room and making rye contact with every woman DOES NOT WORK TOWARDS GENDER EQUITY. Be more intentional. Foster an environment where you know people feel free to share the thought when it first enters their head; not one where they have to sit on an idea until they’re specifically told it’s their turn.

This is getting difficult to explain. Maybe I should wait, I’m getting wordy.

A few more things.

“Not all men” is a cop-out. Honestly, I can’t think of one man in my life that’s never made a misogynistic statement, or crossed some type of boundary with me. It’s not helpful.

In this society, I see myself and other women carrying out tasks for men, solving men’s problems, preventing those problems from repeating for men.

I feel like an object. If you tell me you don’t view me as an object, I’ll try to believe you, but I hope your actions match your words.

When you treat ALL WOMEN with the same respect, dignity, and grace that is extended to men, we can talk.

There is no room for exclusion.

Men: I know there are parts of misogyny that I’m missing. I know there are mental health stigmas and barriers around emotional intelligence.

Who created the standard that emotional intelligence isn’t a man’s place? Misogyny.

Feminism can benefit you, too. The parts of malehood that are difficult are that way BECAUSE OF the patriarchy.

After you’ve reached a manageable stage in your anti-racist work, I hope you will join me in anti-sexist practices. I am still learning what this means.

This piece feels incomplete, but my perfectionism is both a trauma response and a product of misogyny. Maybe I’ll keep going another day.

If you’d like to send me your thoughts, please reach out. I’d love to keep writing on this, it’s just an introduction or draft or however you’d like to put it.