No longer waiting for Doomsday

As the game of life transcends into multidimensional facets; the rises and falls of my relational realms shifted yet again. The first glance of Farzin remained an encapsulation of years of longing arms wrapped in a demure smile. It was the beginning of December in 2019 and at that trivial time; I was taking care of my dad due to his recent stroke sand the dissolution of his restaurant. At the time, I was residing at the house with my dad and Farzin rented the extra room; (my old room) to be exact.

My dream-like state of mind seemed dazzled in the hopes of a new beginning to my endings. Aside from running errands for my dad; I was intrigued with our daily interactions and we often times hared dinner together. Farzin is a nerdy and (shy on the surface) type civil engineer originated from Iran. He'd always shared parts of his hometown and foods and how misses his parents.

As the tick of tale would strike it; my dad's moods and his usual demeaning comments provoked my emotions to burst out immediately followed by Farzin's seemingly protruded concern. Soon, the nightly meetings gave me another layer of comfort towards him so swiftly. About a month drifts by, my dad's affairs was finished and my name was removed along with a sense of liberation.

Farzin then announced that he has gotten the job in Portland and will son be leaving as well as I! Talk about right timing in the fate addition this time around. We celebrated his new founding position and shared a bottle of Andre-aka cheap champagne and sushi. All of these unexpected platonic times gave me a sense of desire like dying fire being rekindled by a pure spark..

Nevertheless, we spent Christmas and NYE at my friend's house and the over stuffed lumpia and fermented grape juice drowned by inner sorrows. Before he left for Portland, he took me to Illahee lake and we walked and talked about constellation and the infinite sky. This ignited my heart's song once more since I have never felt so close with anyone without being naked or in a drunken state of mind.

In essence, I was infatuated with him and then, the day has come and I ended up helping him move and consolidating my dad's house too. Everything was contained as far as emotions goes until; the moment he expanded his arms and we hugged for the first time. The feelings of lost time were filled with warmth and I felt "home".

For some strange reason, my eyes drenched with tears and it felt as if a part of me was slipping away. The once dream like friendship seemed to have ended but I was soon back in Lakewood, WA and has successfully detached from my dad's life and affairs. Farzin soon called to let me know of his new place and work and the platonic exchange turned into a flirtatious all nighter.

Somewhere in the midst of January, we made a date for me to meet with him in Portland, OR. All of the bondages of motherhood soon felt like an anchor to me because my new found flames has been awakened. For the sake of balancing my sanity, I soon resorted to split custody with Emerson's dad and this was driven by my inner desire to be loved by an almost stranger.

Aside from our newly found courtship, he also have been watching me on social media and on a forum; I have displayed that I may have BPD or borderline personality disorder. In spite of all of the unexpected meetings and planned intimacy; the sex was liberating and non threatening to admit the truth. My body felt assured and safe with him.

However, he would make slight remarks about my body and how he'd wishes to see how my Pre-pregnancy body and weight would be like? These remarks made me instantly into rage and self pity mode and this also was the reason why I left only 2 days later. The talk of all tales repeats and we'd meet up every week or two weeks later. The second week was the week of floodgates being unleashed.

Farzin broke down and cried because he feels that " I am not well" -bpd and at last, he admitted to me that he lost his virginity to me. (Gasp with an awe!) I abruptly dropped everything and stormed out for my liquid of compliance-aka alcohol. The normalcy of our encounters would go from the sizzling silk of god to a cold dam sitting alone in a barren sea.

By the month of July; my once dream like feelings for him has dissipated into drops of broken glass. His hidden addictions to porn truly infuriated me since my body wasn't all the way at ease with his new ideas or positions at last. I ignored him for 2 months and we reconnected yet again in Oct of 2019. Our torn connection was knotted again with him stating how much he missed or needs me or how empty he felt.

Therefore, I reluctantly drove again to see him and soon, by staying there a week; I saw how conflicting our habits were and it was also at this time, he disclosed to to me that during the time we were not communicating; he signed up for Tinder and even went on two coffee dates! This blunt force trauma hits my heart and I once more screamed in tears and shouted profanity at him.

Within seconds, door slammed and I went to see my BFF aka vodka and cran. Many ear stinging songs and empty pockets alter; I went back to his apartment and the cycle rinsed and repeated. The words out of his tongue seemed like wine laced with lead. Pure passion with the lingerings of a hot iron through my soul. This was the first time he blurted out " I love you"

My innate reaction was a laugh and it could have been the aftermath of dopamine and adrenaline driven by the fringes of alcohol. The regular uproars and downfalls of this continued and with each meeting, we both find that our moods and personality absolutely intertwined and mangled up in an illusion type of a web.

Almost each time, he'd ask if I was "upset" or "angry" or that I gave him the "look" in which til this day, not a clue of what he truly meant? Nonetheless, the best part of this whole encounter was the safe feelings that our embraces has given to me. It was as if we were addicted to each other's poison or maybe simply it was just a mirage of my obsession to him.

The pinnacle to our courtship would always plummets beyond low when it was time for me to depart. Farzin would always beg me to stay longer and then, on the same token, successfully make snarky comments and remarks of how "smothered" he felt or that he "wondered" how other women looks like in bed. All of these additional arrows of demeaning actions drove me into silent scorn or I'd leave early and would ignore him for days.

In spite of all of the up-streams and downhills; we did always mesh well on hikes or the time at Cannon beach where I captured frozen memories on tandem biking along downtown and re-experiencing the lost times of the yearning of what dating felt like. In many ways, I suppose this kind of substituted the missing pieces of my longing for closeness with someone my soul never expected to experience.

The often specks of seemingly perfect moments always turns into him returning back to his highly demanding job and him interrogating me about the reasoning of " how am I not achieving more in life?" or in the educational world or how come I do not enter the workforce section again? More so than not; I would feel like a complete loser and that was also why he kept me as a "secret" from everyone.

In short, he was unknowingly or subtly chipping away my self esteem and my worth. These push and pull between us certainly have exhausted my emotional side and the boomerang effects was much worse. Each time I returned back to WA, my routine became much more volatile and vicious.

Fragments of me felt the inability to be happy or to be healthy as well as playing the role of a mother to Em. It has always been disastrous and devastating. My heart always awaits for my doomsday.