Learning to Stand Your Ground as a Woman

I have mentioned on this website that I work at a bar (Read: Confessions of a Feminist), and I often have run-ins with multiple guys a night hitting on me or asking me for my number.

One of these guys is a bar regular that has convinced me to actually give him my number. This is one of the worst mistakes I've ever made.

We will call this boy Anthony for the sake of anonymity. He is 27 years old and is one of the most immature human beings I've ever met. I did not know this until last Sunday.

Anthony is a decently attractive man. He is known around the bar for taking women home, regardless of their age. I made it very clear that this would not be happening to me.

He told me he felt different around me and really wanted to try and begin a relationship with me. I agreed and we began to text all the time, about various things. We even Facetimed a couple times.

Things began to go downhill when he wouldn't answer my texts for two days because he was mad that I was "flirting with other customers". It was one of our regulars, Scott, who is like a dad to me. We were hugging because I hadn't seen him in days, and Anthony happened to notice.

Getting over that, we moved on and began talking again.

Just last week, he came into work and wouldn't talk to me. I thought that was strange, but I kept making eye contact with him and making funny faces at him. It was kinda our thing.

The next morning I received a text from him claiming that he can't trust girls. He didn't understand why I was liking all of his friends Instagram pictures. How did I not know that's the way to get a guys attention?! It's 2018 after all!!

We argued back and forth for a short while until finally, something clicked. We were not dating. We were not in a relationship. We were by no means exclusive to each other. Even though I genuinely didn't even know who he was talking about and who's pictures I was liking, I realized I don't have to explain myself to him. Nor do I have to feel bad for making him feel like he "can't trust me". He did not even see this for himself, this is all based on what his friend told him.

This was my response. Word for word. Minus the profanities.

"I'm going to be honest with you because it's early and I'm tired and want to go back to sleep. I think you are cute and sweet and funny, but this is only pushing me away. I don't know what you want from this, whether physical or emotional or both, but this is only making me want to run for the hills. Especially because we aren't even dating, nor are we exclusive in any way...

Regardless, I spent two years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, while being cheated on multiple times. I know what I'm worth now and I am not putting up with this every couple of weeks because "you don't trust girls", especially if we aren't even in a relationship. I don't have the time or the patience to deal with that and you have no reason not to trust me. So if you want something to come of this you need to chill or stop worrying about whatever your friends are saying because it's not true and they're most likely just being jerks trying to mess with you, because I don't know why else they'd say that, especially if it's not true. You can look through my phone if you don't believe me, but I'm not putting up with this after today, understand?"

Girls, do not let men tell you how to live your life or make you feel bad about something you didn't even do. They will twist everything to try and make you the bad guy. Men like this do not deserve your attention. Do not give it to them.

Anyone who tries to control your life before the relationship even begins is never going to get better once the relationship begins.

I am grateful for these experiences because they allow me to help other girls, as well as realize for myself what someone's true intentions are before I let them get too close to me.