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Innocence.

TW: Sexual Assault

By Taysia Published 4 years ago 8 min read
1
“Are you sure you’ve never done this before?”

as·sault

/əˈsôlt/

a physical attack

a concerted attempt to do something demanding

If you're reading this it's because one of two things. Either you're looking at the cover photo and thinking "Why is this girl laying on a rock and crying? I would think that would be rather uncomfortable.” Or you've come because you’re here to read a very unfortunate story that was my reality.

I was 14 when the incident happened. I went to a friend’s house to watch the playoffs for the super bowl. I’m not a huge football fan but we were planning on eating a shit ton of snacks and hang out. A lot of my friend’s family and their friends came over. My friend had an older brother and he had a friend with him that night. That's where my story began.

He was obviously the class clown type and an easily likable person. He had been a family friend of theirs for years. He sat next to me and asked for my name. I told him and he said it was pretty. I thanked him and watched the game trying to figure out who was winning or how football worked in the first place. I got up the to use the bathroom and when I came back he was in my seat. He looked at me and started laughing. “Oh were you sitting here?” I rolled my eyes and ended up sitting in the seat next to him. He was disgustingly charming. I would catch him staring. I thought to myself “is he flirting with me? No that’s silly he’s 19.” I won’t lie, I felt flattered. I was getting attention from someone older and most of the boys in my grade were still waiting for their balls to drop. I got up to go get more food but before I could leave he pulled me down by my waist and had me sit on his lap. I was shocked and didn’t move for a second. I'm still confused how my friends parents didn't pick up on it and more importantly them not thinking it was weird. I really do believe that they thought he wasn’t capable of something so awful that was yet to come.

A few hours later my friends mom wanted us to go get ice cream from the store. For safety purposes lets call my friend Cat. I used to live in a small town so everywhere was in within walking distance. On our way out the door the boy asked if he could tag along. At the time it wasn't a problem. Cat’s brother had some muscular issues and needed an electric scooter to get around so while Cat and I walked the boy borrowed the scooter. We got to the store and got the ice cream, before we finished checking out the boy insisted for me to sit on his lap and ride with him outside while Cat finished checking out. I felt weird but didn’t think much of it. It didn't start to feel right when he drove the scooter to the alleyway behind the store. Then, he kissed me. When you kiss someone you're attracted to you're supposed to feel warm and giddy. I just felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame. I thought to myself "This is okay he's just kissing me, it's fine right?" It didn't start getting scary until he was becoming progressively more aggressive. He wasted no time. He took my hands and guided them. First started with putting my hand on the outside of his pants on his groin making me fully aware that he was aroused. I tried pulling away several times, but he insisted that was his right to force me. Mind this, I had never done anything sexual with anyone ever and maybe kissed a few boys so this was the start to my sexual journey. I was terrified how far he would take it. I was screaming on the inside praying to god it would stop. Then, my phone rang. I had never been so happy to get a phone call in my life. It was Cat calling and asking where we went. I told her that we were on our way back.

Back at the house I explained exactly what happened to her. I went downstairs to change out of my clothes and put on something more comfortable. After, I changed I went into one of the rooms downstairs by myself to fully process what just happened. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs hoping it would be Cat. I'm sure you know what comes next. The boy came into the room asking what I was doing and I told him that I was looking through Netflix. He sits next to me on the couch and puts his hand on my leg and I quickly placed his hand back on himself. He kissed me again. This time he decided to get on top of me. He undid his belt and placed my hand on the outside of his boxers this time. I pulled my hand away, and he brought it right back. I’m positive he knew I didn't want it, but he didn't care. I told him I didn't know what I was doing, trying to give him every excuse to stop. He said, "It’s okay I'll teach you" I still can't believe how monstrous someone can be. Cat called my name looking for me. He quickly got up and put his pants on. I remember walking out looking at her with a look of terror. We went to her room and I explained to everything that happened. About 10 minutes go by, and we hear a knock at the door. It's him. He comes in and Cat tells him to get the fuck out. He says, "Wait, I just came to tell her sorry.” “If it's alright can I have 5 minutes to talk to her alone?" I agreed, my naive mind thought he felt bad and wanted to apologize. She looked at me and I nodded. "Okay you get 5 minutes."

He sits down next to me, and he starts touching me this time. He got on top of me and lifted all layers of my shirt to where I was completely exposed. To this day I have never felt so violated in my life. I still have problems taking off my shirt even if it's to take a shower. He starts kissing me again but this time it's extremely aggressive. Then, he tossed me over to where I’d be laying on my side. At this point his tongue was so far down my throat I could barely breathe. This time he pulled down his pants and boxers. He then again, guided my hand and in those moments all I could feel was my innocence being ripped away from me and his flesh. I didn’t look. I faced the other way, but he’d turn me around to kiss me again. I would try to talk him out of it. He would “encourage” saying I was doing great. I’d stop, hoping he would get frustrated and give up. He talked me through the whole process. “Now go faster” “Tighten your grip” “Why are you slowing down I’m almost there”. Then, it finally happened. He finished. I had what was left of him on my hand. He put on his pants and I walked to the door to wash my hands. On the way out, he slapped my ass and laughed. I came out of the room Cat asked me what happened. I showed her. They were in disbelief. As I’m washing my hands, crying and in my mind trying to process the whole situation, I couldn’t. I was numb. I stayed the rest of the night and went home the next morning. I didn’t tell anyone for 3 months. When I eventually told my mom I had never seen her look so heartbroken and furious at the same time. The next day she called the police department and, we set up a time for me to tell my story. A few weeks later I sat in a room with a very nice lady and a recorder for me to share my story. In. Every. Detail. After about 3 hours of crying and suicidal thoughts I finally got everything out. The case was dropped and nothing came of it, I waited too long to tell my story. I’m 21 now. It has been 7 years, and has taken me 3 to write this story.

My 14 year old self would be very proud of the woman I am today, and a bit surprised to still be alive. Each year that passed it got better. I started trusting and loving people again. It will absolutely always still be the chill that haunts the room but I will never let someone take control of me like that again. I want whoever is reading this who’s shared an unfortunate event to understand it’s not your fault. You didn’t drink too much at the party. Your skirt wasn’t too small. You weren’t asking for it. I am so sorry. But know you are absolutely loved and the world is better with you in it. I may not know you, but I am unbelievably proud that you didn’t give up. Because together, we are survivors.

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About the Creator

Taysia

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