Book Reflection: 'Miscarriage: What Every Woman Needs to Know'

It's been eight days. A hard eight days where I have had a lot of time to think and process and understand—I haven't 'moved on'; I don't think there is ever way to move on from something like this. My problem is that I am a massive control freak and going through a miscarriage hasn't worked well with that. Personally, I am not religious and therefore I can't find comfort in a faith or an omniscient being. Thus, I bought this book to understand the scientific reasons behind why miscarriage happens. I read it quickly and I will probably have to read it again to reabsorb. But it has helped me hugely, even if to reinforce the understanding that there was nothing I could have done to change it, nor anything I did to trigger losing our baby.

Professor Lesley Regan is an exceptionally qualified professor who runs the recurrent miscarriage clinic at St. Mary's Hospital in Paddington, London. Although she writes from a scientific perspective, she is neither patronising nor insensitive. She is quite the opposite. I found great comfort in reading the book and I want to share it in the hope that you will too. I am in no way saying it will take the pain away, I've lost count of the number of times I've cried today. But I won't even try to hold it in anymore. I am hurting and I am not afraid to admit it. From just reading her introduction I felt a warmth in knowing this would be the start of the healing process:

"This book is for everyone who has a question to ask about miscarriage. I do not pretend that I know all the answers but I hope that you will feel encouraged by the knowledge that doctors and scientist all over the world are trying to find out more about this problem. Above all, this book reinforces the fact that, given time, luck and a little medical help, you are more than likely to enjoy a successful pregnancy."

Chapter 2: The size of the problem focuses on just that. Every fourth woman you see as you walk down the street will have experienced a miscarriage. Regan couldn't be more right when she comments that "You may have no idea that your friend or neighbour has had to cope with the problem of miscarriage until you too experience one." Miscarriage shouldn't be taboo. Of course, those of us who have lost babies will be upset, but I know in myself that the last thing I want is to pretend that the baby didn't exist or what happened shouldn't be spoken about in public. I want people to ask how I found out. I want people to just check in every now and then. It's not contagious, I promise.

You go through secondary school being told you WILL get pregnant if you don't use protection. No one ever told me that staying pregnant was a battle in itself. No one told me that out of 30 girls in my PSHE class at least seven of us would lose a baby. I was in an all-girls school! So why not? Why leave us to find these things out ourselves? The problem is created when it is not addressed. I'm not saying that I blame my PSHE teacher for this being harder than it should, but I am saying that there is a duty of care for young women to be told the full story.

Did you know there are 12 types of miscarriage? 12. Add to that an ectopic pregnancy or Hydatidiform moles (placental tumours) and you have 14 battles to make within 12 weeks of pregnancy. Based on what I have read, I believe I have gone through a 'Sporadic Miscarriage'. "These are pregnancies that are lost because of a 'one-off' genetic abnormality in the baby." Based on my poor HCG levels this would make sense. Obviously without trying again for another baby I cannot be sure. But at this moment in time this is my belief. Sporadic miscarriages account for 25 percent of miscarriages.

Regan clearly explains all terminology and every procedure in this book. I almost feel like had I read it before I would be even better prepared for what has happened. But why would I read a book about miscarriage when I have excitedly seen a heartbeat for our baby? Which brings me on to my next point.

I visited a close friend today and we were talking through it all, I have taken great comfort in talking through what has happened and its place in a world of grief. It led me to question why we wait until 12 weeks to tell people that we are pregnant. We told our immediate families at 4 weeks and I couldn't be happier that we did, I have needed that support tenfold. Since I posted a Baby Loss Awareness post on Instagram yesterday, I have had many messages from women who have been through or are going through the same thing. Their stories have ranged from a loss at 6 weeks, like myself, through to delivering a still born baby at 41 weeks. Pregnancy appears to be some kind of miracle, so why do we wait to tell people when the risk is there for it's entirety anyway? Yes, the risk drops; but it's still there. I don't mean this to sound wholly negative and forgive me if it does, but I feel that if we were to share our news, regardless of how many weeks pregnant we are, then if miscarriage was to occur it wouldn't be such a surprise to those of us like myself, who were naïve to the scale of the problem.

Regan's book ends with a section devoted to dealing with miscarriage and preparing yourself for the next pregnancy. It is empathetically written and shows true care to every single one of her patients. If you are going through a miscarriage, and a sincerely hope you never have to again, I implore you to read this book. Even if it's just to resolve some of the guilt you may be feeling—of which there shouldn't be any. Again, I am not saying it will take the pain away, but if you are like me and you feel you need an answer or an explanation or just a greater understanding of the world of pregnancy and its problems then give it a try.

Self-help and self-healing couldn't be more important right now.