Ah, sweets. It’s one of the things that can make your eyes lighten up, and make you feel a rush of happiness inside. But it is also something to not have too much of, and you know what could happen if you do.
April has long been known as Autism Awareness Month and April 2nd as World Autism Awareness Day. Since my daughter’s diagnosis years ago, I have been involved in many online support groups, read many blogs, and participated in a number of discussions about what exactly this month should be about, or if it should even be a thing at all.
From a young age, we are often asked what it is we want to be when we grow up. As innocent and sometimes funny as that question might be, it is not always an easy one to answer, especially when you're not 5. Here I am, 20 years old, not in school, working my ass off to make my rent every month, and I have no idea were I'm going next. As much as it is great to plan for the future; in reality that detailed step by step plan is going to go exactly *well* to plan. That's okay. Life happens, shit happens, you fall in and out of love, and you live.
Journal entry from March 21st 2017: I've had the cloudiest head ever and it's making me feel almost worn out. I constantly feel weak and unfamiliar. I'm not afraid to admit it now. I can’t keep trying to magic the "negativity" away when it’s clearly more than that. I feel like I'm constantly confused and arguing with myself about why I'm feeling or behaving a certain way or why I'm not sticking to or doing certain things that I have such a passion for and could do with such joy and ease. Why can’t I just force myself to prevent having to walk around carrying this guilt? Why, on certain days do I feel so disinterested? Like I have no desire to commit to the things and people I love and then when I do take the leap, I have zero consistency or just simply forget that I started. The confusing bit is on other days, I'm feeling so content yet excited and peaceful all at once and then I find I'm experiencing discomfort and anxiety attached to this feeling. Like it makes me claustrophobic to feel peace. I'm overwhelmed and on edge when I'm in my so-called desired state. How annoying! Does that mean I don’t "suit" happiness?
I remember the day I saw the ocean for the first time; I danced in the tides until the sun set and my parents were pulling me up the shore by my ankles. It was that day that I had been overcome with the novelty with something so sublime; none of it could be so real. I was awakened with the happy realization that the world was not so small like the cage I thought it to be.