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A Day at the Races

A "prophet-able" day at the track.

By Mike BernosPublished 7 years ago 4 min read
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On a trip to New Orleans recently, I forayed into the Fair Ground Race Track to visit a past life of mine, a time when I made my living as a Jockey’s agent — a time when I lived off adrenaline and fast horses, but now it was just a slow dance of memories.

As I walked through the remodeled grandstand, I saw a long-time fixture at the track, Cream Cheese Charlie. Years ago as a young man he was bitten by the gambling bug and now whatever money he makes with odd jobs he forks over to his gambling mistress, who remains as faithless as a St. Claude Avenue hooker.

“What’s up Cream Cheese?”

“Not a god damn thing.” He answered without looking up from the racing form.

“Well how are the ponies treating you today?”

“Like de’ do every day, like a redheaded stepchild.”

“As they say, ‘you can beat a race, but you can’t beat the races,’”

“Dat’s what my daddy would say, bless his soul. But I’m hardheaded as a old snapping turtle.” He made a quick sign of the cross. “What brings you here? Ya’ got a hot horse?”

“No, just came to see the old place.”

“You and da’ President.”

“He was here?”

“De’ other day. I missed a mortal-lock exacta because of da’ traffic jam he caused. He don’t drink and he likes meatloaf, for Christ’s sakes, what in the hell is he doing in New Orleans?”

“He probably came to drum up support for his health care bill.”

“Horse shit. He came here to build another hotel on da’ riverfront and put it on da taxpayers’ bill. Don’t he know dis’ is da’ home to Huey Long and Edwin Edwards – two of da’ original con artists posing as populists. One ended up shot and da’ other in jail.”

“Crème Cheese, you don’t think the President is on the up and up?”

“Ya heard what he said, he was going to ‘drain da’ swamp.’ Dat’s like Governor Edwards saying he wanted to legalize gambling for the tax base, but every one knew he just wanted a piece of the action. Da’ Prez has his kids and inner circle running around the world making every deal de’ can. Ya’ read where da’ sister of the son-in-law is selling visas to da’ Chinamen if they buy his hotels. The U.S. is gonna’ be one big marketing machine for da’ Trump brand.”

“I take it you don’t like his health care bill either?” I said stroking my three-day old beard.

“Gimme a break, catfish whiskers, Da’ horses on the backside of this track will receive better healthcare than most Americans.”

He paused to take a bite of his creme cheese-slathered hot dog. “Do I look young to you? Handsome, yes, but young, no. Da’ deal puts money in the pockets of his friends while making it harder for old guys like me.”

“You got to admit the man has made a good life for himself, Mar-a-Lago is sweet place.”

“He better enjoy it now ’cause it will be underwater in 15 years.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I ain’t no scientist, but it’s gotten hotter around here over da’ last couple of years. I used to only have to wear one undershirt sittin’ on da’ stoop having a beer in the da afternoon. Now, I gotta change into another one before my third beer.

He’ll probably blame all his fat Russian friends swimming in South Beach for da’ sea-level rise. And like a bad tip going around da’ track, people will believe it.”

“You don’t seem like a supporter of President?”

“Come on, I never did buy all dat’ crap, ‘I’m gonna’ bring manufacturing back to da’ good old USA,’ no mo’ than I believed dem’ Corps of Engineer-built levees dat wouldn’t bust. The first Mardi Gras beads I caught on Canal Street when I was a kid had ‘Made in China” on them. Countries have been selling things to each udder’ since Marco Polo found da’ first route to China. Companies nowdays don’t care where dere’ products are made as long as dere’ cheap. There is no loyalty except to da’ almighty dollar. Just like dos’ guys who sell the tip sheets who don’t know which end a horse eats from, da Prez knows how to tell a good story. If his old man didn’t leave him all dat money he’d be a barker for one of da’ strip joints on Bourbon Street, selling counterfeits from under his jacket.”

He finished his hot dog and gulped a swig of beer.

“Its been good seeing brudda-in-law, but I gotta go. I got a horse in da’ third race I gotta’ get down on. He’s gonna’ win from here to Canal Street. Throw a few bucks on him.”

politicianssatiretrump
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About the Creator

Mike Bernos

Mike Bernos is a journalist and songwriter whose songs appear on Pandora, Spotify, and Sirius XM under the name of Spice and the Po Boys. He will be publishing his novella, "A Devil's Tale (of love and redemption)" in August.

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