Warning: The article below contains explicit language. Reader discretion is advised. Unless, of course, you just don't give a fuck.
Let's face it, it's been one hell of a year and it's only March. Just when I thought things had finally gotten back to normal following the pandemic, I ended up contracting COVID-19 (that was so 2020, I know), Brisbane flooded, and Putin declared war. Everything is well and truly going to crap.
So with that, I have made the difficult decision to sell all of the fucks I may overwise have given away for free. I simply cannot do it anymore. I'm done. No longer will I feel the burden of giving a fuck. No longer will I give my fucks away for free. From now on, if you want me to give a fuck, then you'll have to pay me for it.
This decision was not made in haste, and it was incredibly difficult to come to terms with, but it has to be done nevertheless. I simply cannot go on caring (or, more accurately, giving a fuck) about current events and letting it take a toll on me. I've realised this probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone at this point. So allow me to take a step back for a moment and explain.
How can you sell a... fuck?
Ok, after reading over that sentence again, I realise there is a very obvious answer to that question, but that's surprisingly not at all what I'm talking about. The method I'm talking about is much simpler (and legal) - you turn it into an NFT (non-fungible token). NFTs have risen drastically in popularity over the last few years alongside cryptocurrency. I'm not going to pretend I'm any kind of expert on the matter, because I'm certainly not, but Investopedia beautifully summarises the concept with the following:
- NFTs are unique cryptographic tokens that exist on a blockchain and cannot be replicated.
- NFTs can represent real-world items like artwork and real estate.
- "Tokenizing" these real-world tangible assets makes buying, selling, and trading them more efficient while reducing the probability of fraud.
- NFTs can also function to represent individuals' identities, property rights, and more.
Essentially, because they are non-fungible, they cannot be replaced by another identical item, meaning that actual NFTs, once created, are extremely scarce. An NFT could be a piece of audio, imagery, video footage, you name it, and by attaching a unique digital signature, the NFT becomes the only true copy.
So the gist of the message is that by creating a digital copy of my 'fucks', I can then distribute them to people for a price, after which they become the new owners of the NFTs. That's right, I will quite literally be asking people to pay me to give a fuck.
Why would anyone actually buy that?
Well, I'll answer this question with another question - why would anyone buy any NFT? Some of them sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars, so surely they must have some value? Investopedia summarised a few reasons above already that I won't repeat, but another part of it comes down to perceived value.
Ok I'm probably just making things more confusing now. This article here explains the value of NFTs quite beautifully, but I'm not going to try and explain the concept any further myself since, as I have already outlined, I don't give a fuck.
In terms of my NFTs (or, fucks, as I like to call them), once buyers have purchased a fuck, they can then go ahead and give it or sell it to someone else if they'd like, or they may decide to keep it in their collection for a rainy day. Who knows, it's entirely up to them. All I can say for sure is that they will own the only true version of the fuck, meaning fucks will be rare, and with rarity, comes value. Not everyone will be able to give a fuck, because not everyone will own one.
And that's all there is to it.
Of course, if you haven't caught on already, this entire article is intended to be a satirical dig at NFTs. But with that said, the page I have created on OpenSea is very real and I actually am selling fucks on there like I mentioned. So if you're interested in purchasing a fuck to give, to sell, or to keep, the first of my collection, the Multi-Colour Puzzle Piece Fuck, is available here.
Who knows, if I manage to sell a couple of fucks, maybe I'll be in business before the next disaster strikes. Or maybe, and more likely, no one will give a fuck. Which is fine by me because I don't really give a fuck either. It's 2022, so I'm selling them instead.
Until next time,