Why The Boy Who Chases Destruction Finishes Last

He squinted as they approached the curve in the road; the speed limit was off in the distance with glimpses of the speed with every passing car.

I can see it, dad! Carl said with excitement.

What’s it say, Carl? It says 55 miles per hour!

That’s my boy!

Carl just sits and smiles and slightly bounces with excitement.

See, Carl had a lazy eye growing up. At age 7, he had to wear a patch on the opposite eye to strengthen the eye struggle. He loved to prove his eyesight was improving so he could get rid of the nuisance that caused more problems at school, the patch.

The stats.

Carl was an average-sized kid. But he had an insecure side to him. The “problem” kids at school could smell his insecurities a mile away. Carl just wanted to go to school and not be slapped, punched, made fun of, or ridiculed. He had enough of that going on at home.

Every morning Carl would wake before school. He would think of ways he could create so he could stay home. The thought of going to school and seeing the two bullies nauseated him. There were times Carl would place a wet towel on his eye at night in hopes it would affect his eye. He would punch himself in the eye too. He’s unsure what that would accomplish or how he’d explain the black eye to his mom. He had to get out of going to school. Self-inflicted pain was better than the abuse he would receive the minute he walked through the doors at his school.

The uncomfortable.

His anxiety and nerves heightened as his bus inched closer to the doors of hell. His body would go numb at times.

Carl never understood why the bullies targeted him. He didn’t bother anyone. He never ate lunch for fear of being made fun of. He found one friend to hang with while the others were eating. Carl would go into the cafeteria before anyone else, snag 2 cookies, cram them in his pocket, and quickly exit.

His friend Dan was always standing back in the corner waiting for him. When Dan would unexpectedly not come to school on days, that would put Carl into a panic. He would have to stand in the corner alone, leaving him vulnerable and exposed to judgment from others.

As Carl progressed through school, the bullying still continued. He wasn’t a popular kid but wasn’t unpopular either. He would go to parties and drive most of the time, but Carl didn’t drink.

Moving through elementary.

Carl made it through high school and started college. One night he was at a friend’s house who was having a party. There was a girl there that Carl had a crush on in high school. No one would give Carl the time a day back in high school. But after high school, Carl started lifting weights and started building muscle. With the new physique came the attention that gave Carl more anxiety.

When he got what he wanted, that frightened him too.

Carl drank his first beer with his newfound friend Kara. He and Kara were quite the team in a game called “caps.” Caps is a game where you sit approximately 4–5 ft from one another with a cup of beer and try and drain the cap in the opposing drinker’s cup. If you make it, they drink.

What a fun fucking game! Carl loved when players made the cap in his and Kara’s cup! It was pure liquid bliss as the alcohol slithered down the back of his throat. Finally, Carl found something that gave him the relief and courage he’s been searching for for the last 19 years. He found a temporary fix to a lifelong issue in the making; little did Carl know.

Misery in time.

As Carl got older, he became aware of all his issues. But he is at a loss. He loves abuse, and he doesn’t understand why. He’s lost in a place he doesn’t understand.

While he’s been in some abusive relationships, Carl has one form of abuse that trumps everything. The mistreatment of himself. Carl runs the good people off and chases the people that give him a little dose of the self-hatred he carries inside. He’s learning it’s a subconscious chase.

It’s a chase he’s aware of until he feels the exhaustion, not physically but mentally. Physically it’s taking its toll also, but the mental aspect is the worst part.

Carl is running out of options.

He has to focus on himself and not others.

That’s my boy