Why I Am Sick of Therapists Demonizing Abusers
How false ideas float around the internet
Abusers are humans too. They are shaped by generations of beliefs. They may struggle with mental illnesses that take away their ability to be self-aware, to make conscious decisions, and to just be a “normal human being.” Abusers may even be children and teenagers who aren’t even fully formed in the head yet. So why on earth are therapists demonizing these abusers?
One of the biggest things I hate is seeing professionals who have a mental health license spreading misinformed ideas that readers will definitely accept without questioning. When someone has a license, readers will naturally find that person more credible than the rest. Yet all over the internet are therapists’ ideas like “your abusers’ trauma does not justify them abusing you” and that “abusing someone is a choice.”
When I see such ideas floating around the internet, a resource that is accessible to billions of people, I start to see why many people never recover from their mental illnesses. Actually, I'm starting to see why the field of mental health still isn’t accepted by many people.
“Your abusers’ trauma does not justify them abusing you. Abusing someone is a choice.”
Let me just break all of this down and explain why these statements are absolutely relative to the person. It is true for some abusers and not true for some abusers.
I used to be an abuser myself, and I didn’t even know. Before I even knew what “mental health” was and I was already a 20-years-old, I was transferring all of my hatred towards my family to someone close to me. I don’t know the “science” behind what happened because not one therapist ever thought that year of me going ballistic was worthwhile. People are always under the impression that I am thoughtful, intelligent, and kind, but in reality, I have had years of being an abuser. No one wants to believe it.
What I do know is that the person who was close to me triggered me the exact same way my family did. Certain triggers are me being invalidated for having feelings, for having my own opinion, for literally being me my whole life. My family shuts me down all the time to the point that I was mute for about 15 years of my life. What did I do when my family decided to pull the trigger and put me down even as I am approaching adulthood? I yell at them. I lose my shit at them. I have repressed my feelings and pain for so long, I felt no remorse for letting it all out at them. Sure, it didn’t help the situation, but at least I no longer had to bottle up my feelings just because no one cared. Instead, I could let out what I was feeling.
That’s what I did, regretfully, with the person close to me. There were times where he undermined what I was saying, even questioning if I was retelling accurate stories from my past. What happened? The same trigger of always being invalidated, shut down, and hated for being me was pulled. I yelled and lost my shit at him.
I was an abuser, and I am not hesitant to admit it. I, myself, would love to know why I was an abuser because let me tell you, I didn’t start becoming self-aware and conscious of my every moment until I went homeless and had to see a psychologist for suicide ideations. That was the whole start of my mental health journey. We all start somewhere. I started as an abuser who didn’t even know what mental health, abuse and trauma was.
Not all abusers choose to abuse. They certainly can experience trauma that changes them without them knowing.
To this day, I can’t even explain the thought process behind me abusing others. This was after decades of being abused by my own family, being prevented from living, being put down for succeeding in life, and being hated for breathing. My abusive tendencies came to me automatically. If being mute and submissive was only going to result in abuse from my family and professors, then let me talk back and express myself. This wasn’t a conscious choice - it was a defense mechanism to keep me alive throughout decades of abuse.
Matter of fact, read my other articles and you will know that I didn’t start to develop cognitively until I was 18-years-old because I was trapped in a basement my whole life. My entire life speaks volumes as to why I was an abuser and didn’t even have control over my own life until I was past 20-years-old.
Obviously, a mental health professional would never look at me and see any credibility in what I say. They are caught up in their own world of “you must have gone through a master’s to have credibility” or that “you must have done research to have credibility” when in reality, the people that have the credibility are those who experienced their own versions of obstacles and overcame them. They overcame them for a reason. Therapy still does not help people for a reason.
Read as you desire but question all ideas. Don’t assume that a title makes someone credible. We all know someone who got a title undeservingly.