Who I am is made of what I've been through.

Some people say that you can leave stuff in the past. Simply just leave stuff in the past and move on. I have yet to learn this skill. It turns itself over in my head, again and again. They are strong memories too. I can remember smells, places, emotions and even the temperature.

I'm stuck, I'm stuck in the memories of my depressed teen years. I was still quite young when my house burned down. I must admit that I really had no idea what was going on around me. My parents got us a temp house kind of far from school because they though the posh neighborhood would help my sister with the transition after the fire. They also got her a car.

She was suppose to drive me home from school, but she was so mean that I would purposely avoid her. One time she got mad at me because I was too slow, so I ran to the car. Then she changed her mind and said that I look stupid when I run. So I shouldn't do that. My parents say that I would avoid her everyday, but I am not sure that is true. She gave up eventually and let me walk. Which to be honest ... was fine by me.

I would walk home a pretty far distance, even in winter, just to avoid her. I also seemed to have a pretty bad habit at forgetting my mittens. Still better than a car ride with my sister though. There was park on the way there that I would cry at, I liked it because it was the only place I knew I could be alone.

Years later, in early adulthood, I bought everyone those location bracelets, the ones where you ca have the coordinates of your favorite place on it. My mom's had the location of her childhood home. My father's was of the cottage, also great childhood memories. My sister couldn't decide on a place, so she settles on the cottage. Mine has the coordinates of that park that I use to cry alone at. I don't regret my choice, something about it is comforting to me,

Today, my sister lives in another province and has a daughter. I've never been invited invited to meet her. Last Christmas both my mom and dad went to meet the new family member, When I asked about it I was told I wasn't invited. My parents said it was my fault my relationship with my sister failed. I don't think is true and I stand by that. I use to want to meet my niece, but I have given up now. It's less painful for me this way.

My life is painful in general, people hate me. All my new jobs, all the schools I go to. People hate me, gossip about me. My mental health is struggling gone now too. Although I suppose that shouldn't surprise me. I am after all, living through a pandemic now.

I've tried several coping mechanisms to try and aim for a better future, but they don't always give me the momentum that I need. Mostly recently, my promise was to work hard and get my own place so that I could not only live independently but also save up to see the world. However, I could easily work full time and still have barely have enough the cover the bills.

I'll be honest, I'm starting to give up.