Tiny Dancer

Feeling better today. The urges have subsided. Today I am happy. I don't have an insistence desire to gamble. I want to do things, good things with my money. I want to sit here and have my coffee. I want to buy smokes. I want to buy coffee. I want to fix up my apartment. I want to pay my power bill. I want to buy Christmas presents. I want to wrap Christmas presents. I want to buy food. I want to buy whichever food I'd like.

"Blue jean baby, L.A lady, seamstress for the band. Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man. Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand. And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand." Elton John - Tiny Dancer

Another thing gambling accomplishes is to steal your time. Always so much to do. Always so depressed, stressed. Never enough time. All I have is time. Now that I'm not gambling I am making better use of my time. I am actually enjoying my life tremendously better. I am using time differently. I was obsessed before. Gambling consumed me. Consumed my thoughts, consumed my time.

"But oh how it feels so real, lying here with no one near. Only you and you can hear me when I say softly, slowly..." Elton John - Tiny Dancer

I would buy a scratch ticket or two or three every morning depending on how much money I had or how much my boyfriend would buy for me. Sometimes I could convince him to get me a scratchie, or two. After I lost I would become obsessed with finding another three dollars for a scratch ticket. Scratch, scratch, scratch. Dimes work best. Eleven words thirty thousand. Come on scratchie. Give me an e. Before that, I would go throw five bucks in the machines if I had the money before I got hooked on the scratchies.

"Hold me closer tiny dancer. Count the headlights on the highway. Lay me down in sheets of linen, you had a busy day today." Elton John - Tiny Dancer

I got hooked on the scratchies at the start of Covid when the machines were turned off. I needed my fix. Three dollar bingos, three dollar crosswords. I would win sometimes, in the beginning. Always at the beginning. Always getting you hooked. I won fifty dollars a few times off a three or five-dollar scratch ticket. I won a hundred dollars twice on a fifty-cent pull tab. Then I stopped winning so much but the obsession continued.

"Piano Man, he makes his stand, in the auditorium. Looking on, she sings the songs, the words she knows the tune she hums." Elton John - Tiny Dancer

I went on a downward spiral, but what else was new. This happened all of the time. Every other week I would get myself into a hole so deep it felt impossible to get out of. Stress. Worry. Anxiety. Such a vicious cycle. Money in, no money out. Sometimes I would win. It was few and far between I would actually leave with money though, always inserting one more twenty. One more twenty. If I could just get the bonus. If I could just win. I could pay off all my bills and start fresh, maybe even have an extra twenty to put back in the machines. Win more. Pay off more bills. Have more money. More, more, more.

"Jesus freaks, out in the street, handing tickets out for God. Turning back, she just laughs, the boulevard is not that bad." Elton John - Tiny Dancer

Today is a new day. Today is better. Today I am on Day 21. Today I am strong. Today...today, Day 21.

"Hold me closer tiny dancer, count the headlights on the highway. Lay me down in sheets of linen. You had a busy day today. Hold me closer tiny dancer..." Elton John - Tiny Dancer