The War On Masculinity
or Why Men are not the enemy and need to be heard.
An ex friend of mine recommended the book "The WAR AGAINST BOYS: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men by Christina Hoff Sommers ( https://www.amazon.com/WAR-AGAINST-BOYS-Misguided-Feminism/dp/0684849577 "Despite popular belief, American boys tag behind girls in reading and writing ability, and they are less likely to go to college. Our young men are greatly at risk, yet the best-known studies and experts insist that it's girls who are in need of our attention. The highly publicized "girl crisis" has led to many changes in American schools, politics, and parenting...but at what cost? In this provocative book, Christina Hoff Sommers argues that our society has continued to overemphasize the troubles of girls while our boys suffer from the same self-esteem and academic problems. Boys need help, but not the sort of help they've been getting." I highly encourage everyone to read it) years ago.
I didn't get to finish it when I bought it, but I didn't really need to read it because I have seen it with my own eyes. I posit that this emasculation continues as adults. The world is quick to tell you the story of an abused woman, of a female survivor of sexual assault, domestic violence, of every sort of of brutality. The stories of men are hidden deep away from the front page. Boys are taught that abuse is something you don't talk about because it makes you "less of a man." I think this is a conversation we need to be having with boys, young men and adult men. I could tell you what female population is underserved in every crime. I could even break it down by race (Thank you four year psychology degree and over a decade in juvenile probation). What I can tell you as well is that men overall don't report crimes like rape (and if you have seen a Ga code like I have you would know why) and domestic violence. I can also answer why. All of these crimes are seen as crimes against women and highly stigmatizing when men are reporting them. The issue is not just with how we define a a victim either. It continues with how women treat men and how even judges look at custody cases.
If you look up services for sexual assault and domestic violence there might be statistics on female on male sexual assault and domestic violence but you will not find any actual services for them. You will not find a Domestic Violence shelter I would venture to guess, anywhere that houses men, has support groups for men or has male advocates. I have seen the effects of domestic violence by women. It is the yelling, the not allowing them to go out with the guys, threatening them with taking them to court when they are taking care of there children, withholding visitation. Men often don't even classify this a domestic violence because they are taught to take what a women dishes out, not hit women and all the other crap "a Man" should and shouldn't do.
Five years ago I dated a police officer. Amazing man in the middle of a divorce from the low rent crazy version of Toddlers and Tiaras wife. He never spoke ill of her. Not once. I remember telling him "She's a bitch. You do realize this right?" I remember when I left a tube of lipstick in my clothes and washed and dried it, and he was getting my clothes out of the dryer while I was making dinner. When he saw the lipstick in the dryer he thought it was a fight getting ready to happen. I just looked at him and said "it's my fault, I left it in there." He looked at me like I had told him aliens were at the front door waiting to take me to my home planet. It never occurred to him that I would just be like "whatevs, it's replaceable. A $18 tube of Mac Lipstick in my favorite color but again replaceable and I put it in there. I remember several of those moments. Him waiting for me to start yelling at him about something he didn't do. I also knew in those moments there was more to it than anything I had to do with. Eventually, and I know I only got the glossed over version he told me about having to call his own police department on himself when she was trying to prevent him from doing the right thing an disengaging from an argument. Still wish I could have stopped her from having custody of his girls. I won't tell all his secrets because that is not my place. I'm sure you can read between the lines. This is just one example I could tell you from my friendships with men. Wives having them sleep in another room, while the 10 year old son took his father's place in bed (wife is a substance abuse counselor, so if anyone should have known better she should have). Women questioning a McDonald's charge on a joint checking account, women stealing furniture when a friend was TDY only to leave him returning to an empty house and divorce papers.
Women seem to think controlling men is the way to keep one. Any man would tell you that isn't true if he was being honest. No man wants to be put in a minivan, much less one with the scripted letters all too common in the South. When you take away men's voice you are silencing a voice of reason. I'm not saying every man is right about everything.. trust me if anyone knows that it's me. I will tell you that I would rather have a group of men in my corner than a group of women. Women always want to play the #metoo card and unburden themselves not support other women. Men just want to be heard and acknowledged.
I've always been surrounded by men.. because I get them. It has always been men who have taught me everything I needed to know. I was everyone's sister, or bestie. Fathers liked me more than then their sons I dated. No one ever needs to be surrounded by women 24/7..quickest way to earn yourself a trip to the looney bin. Quickest way to get a drinking problem.. quickest way to get everything destroyed.
Fast forward years later and I ended up being beat by a police officer..the first time, because I accidentally called him by the exes name when I was having a nightmare about being sexually assaulted. I would have told you every cop I ever knew was good until that moment. Despite 18 months of hell by one officer who is still destroying my life..I always say men have their way...of making it better. Strange coming from a woman who in 26 months has been failed by every man she trusted when she needs them the most.
However it has been their mere "I'm sorry that happened to you" from a male Navy SARS nurse on my my LinkedIn, and an EMT, Allister on the way to the ER for heatstroke, the "It's not okay but all I can do is listen to you" from a Naggs Head Police Officer who should have been my friend I called but listened to me cry for two hours with me calling from a different state, the "We appreciate what you do too" from a City of Gainesville police officer I didn't even know, the "be careful with her she is in pain" and "I'm sorry, you just been through it" from a paramedic, I later found out is also a firefighter with Hall County Fire Department, Firefighters with the Atlanta Fire Department who were kinder than the Brookhaven PD when I was finally able, almost two years after I was sexually assaulted by a tow truck driver (which even their police chief thinks is hysterical and hasn't forced his detective to investigate) that reminds me men can be good. It's the "I'm sorry " from men I don't know who still remind me that men are not okay with things they can't fix. Those men are the reason I still can look at men and say "You are not the men who hurt me" you are the men that I respect. I knew the best men in the world 18 months ago. Men who never could see me suffer through anything no matter how minor and have all contributed to what happened to me when I never asked them for anything.. A Federal lawyer, Assistant Chief Public Defender, An AUSA, FBI agents, Police Officers, Juvenile Court Judges, Juvenile Court probation officers. So often their words have been the only thing I had left to hold on to. These were the men that I respected. When I have been forgotten by those men who I respected and believed in me, who wanted me to be this amazing lawyer it is the "I'm sorry that happened to you" and the trust they give me in telling me their story- in watching over me when I need to be protected and can't trust everyone who should have stopped me from being hurt because they won't a phone call, email, text or even tweet.
These men's version of #metoo that reminds me that even when law enforcement agencies have covered up my sexual assault and refused to do anything but allow the perpetrator to continue to victimize women for years that I am not the sum of the trauma a tow truck driver who sexually assaulted me, the departments who have covered it up and that even when they can't do anything. Men don't think it's right. Those men are better men than a Juvenile Court Judge, a GBI lawyer , every cop I ever knew and those men deserve to be celebrated. I also celebrate the every day men who don't know what to say or do to make it better but don't look at me like I am broken. That don't treat me like I am the problem. I also have to say thank you to a particular group of people - two fire departments - ATL and Hall County, to Marta PD, Chamblee PD, City of Gainesville PD and Hall County Sheriff's Dept.. randomly with no explanation they have had a part of fixing what two police departments broke.. what EMS judged or created trauma and to the silent heroes who have always been my inspiration- thank you...that is a Carebear .
To the women reading this- don't be the woman who creates a broken man, to the men- it's okay to not be a punching bag. Someone notices what you have gone through, someone cares. You are the voice that has saved my heart and I remember every word. You are the reason I want to get to law school, the reason I want to specialize in paternal law, you are what is saving the men who should have acted to stop me from being hurt from having their secrets told to people that would destroy their personal and professional careers. You are what reminds me of who I am and my purpose. I can never thank you enough. If you ever need me - let me know.. I will be glad to be your voice, in fact I would be honored.
About the author
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"Justice delayed, is justice denied" "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
Tattooed, Employed and has a Psych degree..Always on the look out for a group of Avengers.