The Road

"Why do you keep pissing the bed!" she screamed at me, already crying I look up at her pleading inside myself for her to stop yelling, she was always yelling, "And you know what happens when you wet the bed, everything gets hung out the window. Now go clean yourself up and ready for school."

I did as I was told and hurried to the bathroom to bathe, the whole time crying. I sat in the tub wishing with all my strength that I could be anywhere else but here, anyone else but myself. The night before I hadn't slept much. I knew before I had even eaten dinner what was coming. He was going to take me to the bathroom again, he always took me to the bathroom.

Every night it was always the same, he would grab my arm, sometimes a little too rough, take me to the bathroom, make me strip and stand in front of the tub facing it. I would hear the pop of the vaseline jar coming off, the squish sound he made with it, then, his hot breath on my back. He would wrap his arm around my face to cover my mouth. His arm was a bit long so it covered my ears as well, with my right ear cupped to his shoulder and his hand over my left ear. I would learn later this was to prevent anyone from hearing me cry.

Then the hand on my back to push me forward, it was always the same, the excruciating pain of him inside me then me puking. Just as it was in the trailer park we had moved from, he was the one to take care of me and my brother due to my mothers odd hours. I look back and realize he wasn't taking care of me, he was abusing me. I wouldn't learn what abuse was for quite a few years later.

I would puke and then get in the tub after he finished and wash myself, at times I would scrub my skin until it was red. I felt dirty. I would often sit in the tub for a little longer than he liked and he would come in and stare at me. The look in his eyes made my blood run cold. I remember the gleam and the wicked smile he would put on his face. It was a mixed look, part pure satisfaction the other part "I'm not done with you yet".

Every night I would lay on my mattress curled up in a little ball as close to the wall as I could get, as close to the corner as I could get, as far away from him as I could get. There were times he would sneak down onto my mattress after my brother had fallen asleep, lay on top of me, cover my mouth like he had in the trailer, do what he wanted, then leave me in a mess. I would lie awake at night trying to get to sleep but the stench of him was all over me, all over my blanket, all over my bed. I would wake up tired all the time because I couldn't get to sleep or I had been woken up by him on top of me.

We had moved to a rather sketchy part of Falls Church, many different ethnicities, Indian, Mexican, you name it. Our building was mostly Mexican. Every time my brother and I would leave to either play outside or go to school there was always someone on the front steps. This particular morning there was no one, and the only reason I remember this day precisely is because there had been a murder two nights prior, and that following day there were cops all over our building, even in the basement.

My brother and I were leaving for school after my mother had finished scolding me yet again because she had to hang my wet sheet and blanket out the window.

"Don't forget, come straight home after school!" she yelled, as my brother closed the door behind us. I looked to my right before going down the steps and there it was, the police tape across the door. I got a tear in my eye because the little girl had lost her her daddy, I didn't have one but I always wished I did. Her daddy would play with her all the time when he was home. He was a cop so he wasn't around much, but when he was, she was his world. You could hear them playing through the paper thin walls. I now felt bad for her because she would be like me, no daddy.

As we got to the bottom of the stairs we noticed it was raining so we bolted out the door and ran almost the whole way to where we had to cross. We got to the crosswalk and joined the rest of the kids as the crossing guard kept us at the curb until it was safe to cross. As usual she put her arm out to stop the next car and say, "Okay kids, let's go."

We ran the rest of the way to school, which was only a few blocks. Every day when we would come up to go in the front door I would look up to read the sign on it, "Baileys Elementary". Upon our first few days there we were told a story about the famous Barnum and Baileys circus, how under the school was the remains of one of their elephants and that is where the schools name came from. Whether it's true or not, I still don't know.

This day, I already knew was going to be a bad one. My brother and I parted ways as we entered to go to our respective classes. He was in kindergarten and I in first grade. As I was making my way to my classroom one of the boys in my class came up behind me and smacked me on the back of the head and ran down the hall. A tear welled up in my eye as I continued walking down the hall. I made it to class and stopped at the door looking in at all the kids. All of them had smiles on their faces unlike myself. I didn't like the kids I went to school with. They were either pushy, bossy, rude or just down right mean. I lowered my head as I entered the classroom, walked to my desk and sat down.

"Okay kids, let's settle down now," our teacher said as the bell rang, "I have a surprise for you!" All you heard was ooh's and aah's coming from the kids. She grabbed her rolling cart that she kept in the corner and pulled it to the front of the class. It had little glass plates with lids on them placed on top.

"We will be watching ..." and all sound left my ears except my own heartbeat. I don't remember what she said but I remember being shook, "Are you okay dear?", I had apparently fallen asleep and fallen out of my chair.

Yes was the only thing that escaped my lips as I looked up at her smiling face. She had a worried look in her eye, "If you need to rest you may go to the nurses office," she said to me. All the kids were giggling at me.

"No, I'm fine." I said in a small voice, trying to get the attention off of myself. I got back in my chair, straightening my shirt and sitting as straight as possible.

As she made her way back to the front of the class she said, "We will be watching these little guys until they become butterflies, so be careful not to drop your petri dish."

She put mine on my desk and smiled down at me. Looking down at the small caterpillar in the dish I felt sorry for it, it was just as trapped in a nightmare as I was. I tapped on the lid to see what would happen, nothing, it didn't even move. The day went by pretty fast and the skies had cleared before lunch and recess but everything was wet. I decided to flip a swing upside down so I could sit on it. I didn't really play with the other kids. I didn't like them and they didn't like me. My brother was the one that always made friends.

Just another day on the playground, yet this day was a bit off. I looked to my left at the monkey bars. My brother was playing chase with a few of the boys in his class. One was running right at me. He stopped only a few feet away, stuck his nose in the air and sniffed. "Yep, pee pee pants!" he screamed.

I was so embarrassed I ran for the teachers with tears in my eyes. "I need to go to the bathroom please," I said in a barely audible voice. "Yes of course, come with me dear," said one of the teachers. I followed her inside and to the little girls room. I walked to the stall, shut the door and sat down on the toilet. I didn't have to go, I just needed an excuse to get away from the kids. My brother must have told his friends about what I had done.

It had to have been longer than I thought as I sat there crying because the teacher came in and asked if I was okay. "I'm fine," I said as I opened the door.

"Oh my you're as white as a sheet, come with me honey," she said and took me by the hand. We walked to the nurses office in silence. Every couple of steps I would look up at her to catch her staring at me with what appeared to be pity. She took me into the nurses office and sat me down in a chair. She spoke to the nurse who came over to check my temperature.

"Okay, let's check you out," she said as she slid the thermometer in my mouth, "You don't have a fever, did you eat dear?" she asked me. I shook my head yes. "Do you feel sick?" I shook my head no. She then looked at the teacher that had brought me in and slightly shook her head side to side. "Okay then, I want you to lie down on the bed for a while. You are white as a ghost."

I did as I was told thanking the teacher inside my head for bringing me in. I didn't feel much like being on the playground, let alone being around kids my brother had told I wet the bed. I laid there daydreaming of rainbows and bunnies. The nurse came in a little while later, looked at me and smiled. "You have color back in your cheeks. Let's get you back to class."

So we went back to class and she ushered me in the door. As I was making my way to my desk one of the girls stuck her foot out and tripped me. I fell flat on my face. Anger was all I felt but I knew there was no fighting in school so all I could do was shoot her an evil glare. Giggling, she turned towards the front of the room, the other kids had begun to giggle as well upon me falling. All eyes were on me as I continued to make my way to my desk.

"Okay children, let's settle down now," the teacher said and they all spun back around in their chairs to face the front of the room. "It's almost time for the bell to ring. Please be sure to put your petri dishes on the windowsill before you leave, and don't forget your permission slips for tomorrows field trip."

We were all single file waiting to put our petri dishes on the windowsill when the same girl came up to me and slapped my dish out of my hands. I was so angry. I grabbed a pencil off the desk next to me as I saw her foot coming for me and I swung. Screams and chaos was all I remember before being shoved out the door by the teacher.

"Why did you do that?" she asked in a shaky voice, "We don't do things like that Rina."

This was going to be bad, was all I could think as we walked to the principals office. She took me in and sat me down, turned to the girl at the desk and asked for the principal. The lady behind the desk disappeared into the adjacent office and returned with the principal. My teacher explained to her what had happened, the principal looked at me and sharply said to me "MY office, NOW!"

I lowered my head, got up and walked into her office, sitting down in the chair in front of her desk. She walked in and closed the door a bit roughly and came to sit in her own chair.

"Would you like to explain yourself?" she said as she was opening a drawer in her desk.

"I'm sorry," was all I could think to say, but what was going through my mind was a different story.

"You're sorry? Young lady do you know how much trouble you are in. I must call your mother but before I do I want to show you something."

She was holding in her hand a paddle but it was no ordinary paddle. This one was about a foot long maybe bigger and it had words inscribed on it. Attitude Adjuster. I slunk back in my chair trying to bury my face in my shirt, I didn't want to get spanked.

"Children like you need a good spanking once in a while, but, I will leave that for your mother. You would do well to remember I have this," she said in a stern manner as she picked up the phone to call my mother.

"Yes, may I speak with Leanna Pladder please, this is Principal Remond from Baileys Elementary where her children go to school. Yes, I'll hold."

She sat there cradling the phone to her ear all the while looking at me with disgust.

"Yes, Mrs. Pladder, hello this is Principal Remond. Your daughter seems to have gotten herself into trouble. Yes, oh, she stabbed another young girl in the leg with a pencil," there was a long pause before she spoke again, my mother must have been cursing as she usually did when she was mad at me. "Oh, yes, she will be in my office when you get here. Okay, yes. Thank you." She hung up the phone and glared at me.

"Your mother is not happy at all young lady," she stated, "you can sit out in the main office while we wait for her to arrive."

I felt heavy as if there were boulders weighing me down as I stood up. I made my way to the main office and sat down. It felt as though someone was playing baseball in my head the whole while waiting for my mother to show. When she finally did she glared at me with the most hateful look on her face. This look would be one she would wear many more times after this.

The principal came out of her office, spoke to my mother in hushed whispers, turning back around to her office, and stopped.

"She could use a swift spanking," she stated before shutting the door behind her.

My mother grabbed my arm and rushed me out of the school. This wouldn't be the first time I was rushed out of the school. As we neared the van she looked at me and opened the door, "Get in," she growled, so I did and she slammed the door closed.

She got to the drivers side, sliding into her seat and slamming her own door she looked at me. I knew by the look on her face all hell was about to break lose.

"What in the holy fuck were you thinking!" she screamed.

I buried my face in my hands and began to cry.

"Do you know what's going to happen now? Her parents will want this paid, she will have to go to the doctors office and there will be bills. How dare you put your hands on other people. You are going to get an ass whooping when we get home."

She started the van and took off a bit fast as the wheels squealed under us. The drive of only a few blocks felt like it took an eternity, but it was mere moments before we reached the back parking lot behind our building. She parked and I hopped out but before I even began walking she came up alongside me and grabbed my arm high in the air and drug me in the building all the way up the stairs to our door. She fumbled with her keys and the door flew open. There he stood.

"What happened? Why..."

"Nothing. I'm taking care of this Peter," she stated as she pulled me to my room. "Strip young lady."

I began to cry but pulled my clothes off. "Bend over," she stated in the most hateful tone I had ever heard her use, and then it began. The emotional rollercoaster I would deal with the rest of my childhood, if you want to call it that.

She beat my ass to the point I couldn't sit. It started with a belt, but apparently that wasn't good enough. She opened my closet door and pulled out a hanger. Back then there were no plastic hangers, they were those metal ones. I began crying from the pain. She was cursing the whole time as she unraveled the hanger, and then, as I felt the first whip across my ass, I met the inner me. The little girl full of rage, the little girl full of hate. This would be my friend during my childhood, or what was left of it.

That first lash was painful, it burned and stung, the ones after, I didn't feel. The inner me wouldn't let me feel it. She would protect me, or so I thought at the time. Later in life, I would become her.