The Last Hug

I can see the tears that are trying to hide behind alcohol, poisoned by anger. I’m not blind to see the rage, the humiliation, or what you may fear. Your world is a mess, like a brain put in a blender and told to be “Okay.” How does one function when your nervous system is in overload and everything is misfiring. Like a bullet meant to hit the target but is now stray.

I thought the days of verbal and mental abuse were left with treasures of nightmares that I endured and were to be buried in the past. “X” marks the spot and it was a defeat to think it wouldn’t surface again. Like skeletons meant to stay in the closet, the treasure chest had to be unburied. Letting out Pandora’s box of repulsive name-calling, belittling, chastising, gaslighting, and the dark shadows that hover you repeating; “You aren’t good enough, you need to shut up, you don’t listen, are you stupid, and why aren’t you doing as I said?”

Only a fool thinks the fox won’t come back to finish off the rest of the chickens especially if one rooster survived and took a safety on the top of a tree limb. The fox always returns because the hunger never ends. I thought a person who loved me wouldn’t retreat to old ways to hurt me in ways that cut like a physical knife injuring the flesh. Who is the fool now? You can’t break a habit that doesn’t want to be broken. You are supposed to outfox the fox by learning from the past and ducking when the strike comes instead of taking the knockout.

I understand where your brain is at. I understand how things are on a constant roller coaster for you. What about my brain? What about how that affects me to where you are the source of my tears? The actions you forge into weapons against me with your words do more damage than you may be able to grasp. I understand that the weight of an elephant is crushing you in so many ways. That your world makes zero sense and you feel despair. In your world, you get to choose how to cope and if you can cope with it all. You get the choice to allow someone to say, “You aren’t in this alone.”

We all get to make a choice and some things are beyond our control but it doesn’t give you a free pass to use your hurt, or anger to hurt others. Others cause you to wallow in sorrow while I have to bandage the wounds you maliciously acted upon. I have offered to be there for you emotionally and I get to cut down. You won’t accept any good I have to offer. I’m just another victim that’s drenched in blood in your ledger.

Many years of love for one another. Many years of admiration and looking up to you. Countless calls for advice, guidance in life, and more. Expressing how you love someone can happen in many forms. A hug is a powerful way. I remember the hugs that feel tight or the ones that I’m afraid will wither away. The last time you hugged me it was of such love and feeling a sense of peace.

For a brief moment I felt like I had the old you back and the erratic you wasn’t there. You have left me in a place of wonder for when I may get more embraces from a man I once knew and we lost along the way. After this last hug can you make me a broken promise to not hurt me again? I know I’m asking for all the riches one king has however I’m not asking for much. The whiplashes of your mood swings and asking me to forgive you and then doing it again leaves me to wonder was that the last hug? Have I lost you to the demons who torture you, the alcohol that poisons you, and the need to deflect your pain towards others?

Mental health is everything to a good relationship. If the earthquake has shattered your mental health then it will affect all the ones you love. Pride will tell you nothing is wrong and you aren’t doing anything wrong. Your eyes can see the truth when tears start flowing like the sky broke and rain started beating down from your choice of words. Take care of your mind, body, and soul so it won’t be the last hug.