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Selfish Act of Kindness

Learning to love yourself is hard, and takes so much time.

By ayla.jenniferPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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Understanding, and reflection

I was once called "the most negative person" someone had ever met. It didn't hit me until years later. Maybe that person was actually right.

Behind closed doors, I'm upset, mostly because I don't like being the way I am; but I have no idea how to let go... at least consistently. I can for a little while, but then I get wrapped up in the fact that I'm sad for some reason; then I'm sad because someone else is making me unhappy. Yet I never seem to remember that I control how I feel...

So my question is, how do I stay consistent? How do I make sure that I'm not a negative person without striving for perfection?

I mean, I'm pretty terrible at being kind to myself.

I'm really good at making me feel like I'm not a good person.

Why haven't I ever seen that I'm not someone who has done anything too crazy or foolish? Given the fact that I learned a lot from the mistakes I made as a teenager, but I can't seem to remember all of the positives.

I feel like I'm in Inside Out and my yellow joyful memories are turning a sad blue. Some turn purple from how careless I was, and some green from disgust. However, I'm never angry at myself. I'm only angry in the current moment if something is happening that only I see as bad now. Could be what I'm doing in the moment, or what someone else is doing; but so many people have told me that I'm too hard on myself, but what does that really mean?

Is it because I don't want to be in debt and complain to my S.O. about his spending, that I'm too hard on myself? Is it because I get angry when I don't want to make art anymore but force myself to keep doing things that used to make me happy, that I'm too hard on myself?

Some things seem more concerning when I actually get them out, because I feel like even if people say I'm too hard on me, I feel like I'm actually being too hard on other people... which, maybe I am.

I think I'm too hard on the people who are more relaxed and collected than me because I want to be that way, but have no idea how to make the change. I feel so selfish when I write that, but that's actually something I know I am; selfish.

So, I guess this is exposing a flaw... but maybe this is the right step to get to a better place in my own mind.

Vulnerability isn't always a weakness...

I've come to terms that sometimes I need to put my pride aside and understand that I am not the victim my mind thinks I am. I do not deserve all good and when I get bad I shouldn't be shocked, I should take the bad with a grain of salt and ask "why did I deserve this?" then reflect.

Just because I think I'm always a good person, doesn't mean I am; it just means I'm living in another delusion. I can be bad, without intention. Thus giving a meaning to the disregarded selfishness I can't seem to grasp.

I no longer want to be the most negative person, so I am working on it. I no longer want to be selfish, so I am working on it. I will, however, give myself a pat on the back for delivering the truth to myself without aggression and self-hatred.

I will be at peace, in time.

recovery
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About the Creator

ayla.jennifer

I'm a strong believer in togetherness, and I have a feeling I can make a difference.

Be yourself and learn from yourself. Don't let other's negativity warp your mind. Question everything.

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