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Self-doubt, laziness, and avoidance…could compassion be the answer?

You're avoiding pain

By Asterion AvocadoPublished about a year ago 6 min read
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Self-doubt, laziness, and avoidance…could compassion be the answer?
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Do you find yourself struggling so much that you think you might just give up altogether? Do you feel harsh towards yourself because when things are hard you procrastinate? Or maybe, you did give up, and now wonder "What's wrong with me?".

Self-compassion is a hard thing, in fact, while the first half of my title is not so original if I were talking to myself, it might have read like: 'You're Not Lazy or Lack Motivation. You're a Piece of S**t".

But how could I be? Because I struggle and sometimes don't manage to win the fight? Is this what I would think of a friend confiding in me if they were going through similar tribulations?

Self-compassion is much needed in the world of today, much like it is understanding why we seem to run away from things, procrastinate, get extremely anxious, or think of ending it all…even just as a thought.

Of course, please, if you're thinking of harming yourself, reach for support as soon as you can (a Google search for suicide support will help you find support in your country. For Australia, you could call: 13 11 14).

Pain, Procrastination, and more.

Sometimes (and let me tell you, it's been a really hard week so far) my anxiety gets so strong, it spreads so wide and deep into my body, that I feel like I might die from it. My chest hurts so, so much, I feel like maybe I need an ambulance. My thoughts race and my mind tries to find all of the possible escapes from the things that are making me feel this way. This is interesting because I initially was anxious about something, but now I'm also anxious about being anxious.

In the first place, my anxiety (like most anxieties) started becoming more and more prominent as a way of telling me to escape the things that are making me feel overwhelmed, fearful and confused about the future. It is easier to anesthetise life, and leave things unchanged. So, our minds find every possible escape (e.g., leave the job, avoid people, don't get out of the house, "is this a life worth living?"), because after all, that's what made us survive as a species.

We run away from pain, from things that may kill us.

Now, how a heart racing to tell us to run away from a tiger has transformed into also wanting to run away from responsibilities and changes, I don't know.

And it's not the same for everyone. There are Some people suffer from these feelings so much that it majorly impacts their lives, while for others this feeling manifests itself more as preferring to clean the house than to work on that report, or essay for school.

By Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Laziness. Laziness has a way of being both a real state of mind (or of the body!) and a major guilt tripper. Often, laziness is not even laziness, but the way feelings tend to come to behaviours or lack thereof.

I know I consider myself lazy. People have considered me lazy for all my life, and honestly, there must be some truth to that. But I know now, after years of studying and growing my understanding - both academically and through my personal life - of the impact of mental health on our lives, that when people can't seem to be bothered to get up and clean, go to work, or brush their teeth, they are not lazy: they really can't find the energy or push to do anything. However small.

And it feels terrible. Double terrible, because your unwellness has put you in this situation, but you feel you're the one that should be blamed for it. Like we have put ourselves into 'this situation' and we should just get a grip.

But what you need is compassion. And self-compassion.

Jane Elliot (and yes, I might have 'stole like an artist' part of her essay's title) calls the force keeping us from "just doing it" internal resistance. An internal pull keeps us from doing things we actually want to do. She talks about pain too, and that is why I made the connection between my own research and the memory of her famous essay.

See, pain, pleasure, and fear are all variables that can continuously interject with our motivation. Rendering us the most experts of all procrastinators, or even unable to live a life that would be helpful to live.

This is even more true and painful for people living with mental health issues, or disabilities (however visible or invisible).

Telling these people that they are lazy is not only wrong but unhelpful.

There are many strategies that can help with many instances of procrastination that is due to fear and pain avoidance. For example, breaking tasks up, setting predetermined timeframes, and others.

These can be tried by everyone but may not be enough to escape the vicious circle of avoidance when underlying problems are present, or we hit a really bad stride in our life path.

By Total Shape on Unsplash

Depression makes everything hard, everything. Even the things you used to love to do…like writing, yoga, or visiting your family members. This escalates in a sublimely mixed cocktail of procrastination and avoidance.

The act of avoiding something is an effort to lessen its perceived threat, danger, or worry. The purpose of avoidance is to safeguard us from perceived threats. The extent to which we escape is directly correlated and associated with the perceived risk or threat.

And there is no need for a bear to be chasing you to fire threat alarms in your head. As an anxious person, my brain perceives a lot of mundane things as risks or threats. As a depressed individual, I, even more, avoid situations that I may perceive as threatening, as I have no motivation to do anything anyway.

Withdrawing and isolating oneself may appear like good strategies for a depressed person to avoid unpleasant interactions or situations, such as getting into a fight, receiving criticism, being perceived as boring, or playing the part of a victim.

I'm here with more questions than answers. Or better, with an understanding of the problem that surpasses my understanding of any possible solutions. Though, lately, I have had the opportunity to work on my own mental health, having spent three weeks in a private psychiatric clinic.

Call me naive, and maybe even delusional, but I think that if we have the opportunity, we need to ask for help whenever and wherever we can. Call your family, be open with your friends, find out if you have access to free or affordable therapy, or find good therapy directly if you can afford it.

Sure, it's true, other times laziness may be the answer. Taking a break or leaving stuff to go and breathe for a while down at the beach, it's just very difficult to understand when and why. You might be more confident if you take time to think about your situation or call for help if you are in need.

Compassion…I know.

I know it sounds cheesy, or silly. But, self-compassion may be the first step towards recovery for many of us.

We wouldn't call our children, or our best friends lazy if we knew they were suffering, then why we don't share the same understanding towards ourselves?

Be kind to yourself. Love yourself no matter what….and seek help if needed.

Further readings:

You are Not Lazy or Undisciplined. You Have Internal Resistance. | by Jane Elliott PhD | Counter Arts |

What Does the Pain-Pleasure Principle Have To Do with Procrastination? (welchlin.com)

Pain-Related Fear, Disability, and the Fear-Avoidance Model of Chronic Pain - PMC (nih.gov)

Depression and Procrastination: How They're Connected and What to Do About It - Solving Procrastination

Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing to Do With Self-Control) - The New York Times (nytimes.com)

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Asterion Avocado

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