Life is no doubt hard, troubling, stressful, and down right hard. Not everyone has an addiction they turn to when trying to cope with past or current events going on around us, but for some a trip to the liquor cabinet is just the problem solver. For me a night that ended with another empty bottle was a successful ending to my day. Everything in life is still going on but for the time being at least i felt numb to it. I felt like the only good part of my day was when I got to sit down and drink all night till nothing bothered me anymore and until I could fall asleep. Waking up to an empty bottle became so normal that my conscious stopped responding to what I was doing. All day long all I could think about is how I can’t wait to drink again because it was the only time I felt okay. Everything set my addiction off. If I lost my keys, I wanted to drink, if my work day was hard, I wanted to drink, if I stubbed my toe, I wanted to drink. It was my go to problem solver for anything and everything.
I didn’t realize it then but I was a dangerous alcoholic because I was a “secret alcoholic”. When everyone would be asleep I would drink, I would go into the living room or I would sneak bottles into my room laying in bed in the complete silence drinking. The only sound I would hear would be the bottle opening and pouring. I didn’t care about myself, I didn’t care about the damage it was doing to my body, I just didn’t care. Actually, the thought of it killing me was okay, the thought of maybe one day I won’t wake up was okay, and the thought of being non existent on earth was the very goal I wanted to reach with my drinking problem each night. It gradually became 1 bottle, 2 bottles, 3 bottles, and I’m a 120 pound petite girl so I was getting closer to reaching death for sure with my addiction.
To me I felt like I wasn’t effecting anyone in my life with my alcoholic behavior as long as I kept it to myself, so that made it even more okay for me to continue on with my self destructive addiction. Countless mornings of hiding my bottles in my clothes, in the closet, drawers, and under the bed until I could stick it in my bag to haul off to the trash without anyone seeing became so normal.
I chose everyday to live this way which led to my secret addiction. Nobody made me drink and live my life this way but myself. I chose to allow people’s opinions of me, failed relationships, trials, trauma, hurt and pain to draw me into each bottle. But even in my most twisted, irrational, self destructing ways Jesus showed up in my life. He changes me everyday to become a better version of the person I was yesterday. He has never failed me, left me, or gave up on me. His grace, mercy, unfailing love, and forgiveness is what saved me. He showed me I have purpose, I am more than peoples opinions of me, I am more than the trauma I’ve went through, I am more than the failed relationships, and I am more than turning my problems to the enemy instead of him. Now with life’s problems, instead of thinking that I need to stick my head into a bottle to solve them, I stick my head into his word. I will never be perfect, I will never do everything right, I may fail, I will have bad days and trials, but I have faith in my father in Heaven working everything out for my good.
When my past creeps up trying to remind me of who I once was, i turn to Jesus who reminds me of who I am. When I stray away I know he’s always right there pulling my focus back towards him. When I fail, he teaches me and picks me back up. I owe my life to Yeshua and the price he paid to have it is unimaginable but that’s how much he say's I was worth it, and you’re worth it too. Never give up on yourself.