Pain.

When asked what I am grateful for this year... all I can feel is pain. I remember the first time after getting diagnosed with clinical depression that I felt pain. I was crying in my room. Earlier that day I went to my nephew's birthday party at the soccer dome. Kids running everywhere...get me out of here. I left after an hour. I went home and layed in my bed and for the first time in a few months, I cried.

I hadn't felt any type of emotion since getting diganosied. I was sad. I was sad I went to my nephew's party and couldn't enjoy myself, couldn't be happy, couldn't be his aunty the way I wanted to be and knew I could be, but I was lost. I was lost in the numbness. I was lost in the pain.

I cried that day. I cried because I was sad. I cried because I was frustrated. I cried because I was disappointed in myself and then I cried because I was happy. I felt something. I felt feelings. I felt sad and upset. I cared. I was coming out of my depression. For the first time in a few months I felt pain; and it felt good.

I'm in pain today, yet again but I'm not clinically depressed. I'm grateful for that. I was in pain yesterday, worse than today. It hurt. The pain hurt. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide, escape from the pain but I sat here, I laid here, I endured. I endured the pain. Yesterday was hard.

It is hard to say I am grateful for the pain I feel but I know, I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I have endured pain before, many times, I can endure it again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, what direction I will head in next but I know, I know I can do this. I know I can make it... I can make it through the pain. I’ve felt pain before. I’ve felt pain.

I know you left me and that's ok. I can make it. I can do this. I can be alone. When I first got diagnosed with depression it was very hard. That is obviously an understatement. There are no words to describe how hard it is to go through depression. It is sometimes unbearable...so alone...or feels like it is but you learn, you learn that it will pass and life will go on. Athough sometimes, in the moment, it feels like you'll never get out. So alone. You'll never escape. So alone. Your mind plays tricks on you.

You're ugly. Your fat. You're worthless. Please stop. Nobody loves you. You are a worthless, piece of shit. Please, please, I can't take it. Stop. Shut- up. Why am I talking to myself. Am I crazy? Stop. Please Stop. Stop thinking, shut off. Please, please stop. You worthless piece of shit. You're so ugly.

I wanna go to sleep.

I'm grateful I am not clinically depressed anymore. I'm grateful I met my councillor. I'm grateful he helped me through my problems, my anger, my anxiety, my depression...he saved me. I still get depressed. I still get anxious but I have never gone back to that place I used to feel or go to way too frequently. The numbness. The pain. He convinced me to quit drinking. He convinced me to take my pills. He helped me deal with my stressors. He helped me heal. I am grateful for him.

I'm down today, but I am not clinically depressed. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for my friends and family, their support, their everything; for being there for me, for helping me, for listening to me, for loving me. I'm grateful to be at my sister's here today, on the lake. You can see the lake from the couch in the living room... there is no blind on the main window facing the lake.

The Lake is rough today. A beautiful fall day. Toasty warm with the heat pump and wood stove going. I love the heat! I'm always cold. I'm currently listening to Elton John, Tiny dancer. I love that song. I'm grateful for Elton John. He has the voice of an angel. Although yesterday was rough. Today is better. It's a beautiful day. Elton is singing to me. I know Elton, I know.

It's a beautiful, fall day and I am with my sister and her little baby. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for today. I am grateful for my life, my soul, my heart, my family, my friends, great music, beautiful views, people, music, my heart...my heart. I’m grateful for today. I’m grateful to be able to live this day. I am grateful I have today, this beautiful fall day. I am grateful. I am grateful.

"Pain...the feeling of weakness leaving the body."