Numbness

I love going to concerts. I’ve gone to at least one almost every month of this year, but I always feel a sense of lingering disappointment after the band finishes.

I have fun in the moment, but it is more of a detached fun that doesn’t quite feel real. I feel so far away from the band that is right in front of me, and so distant from my friends that are literally dancing and singing their hearts out right next to me. I don't begin to regain a feeling of attachment until later on in the night when I am at home or even sometimes not even until the next day, and when it does come back, it is a gradual feeling that tries to reclaim my entire body.

But I noticed that I feel detached from most things; from my family, friends, work, school. It doesn’t make me feel anything really. Is this something other people experience?

Or am I broken to a greater extent?

Most people claim to feel PCD, post-concert depression, but that has never been something that I’ve experienced. I anticipate it for certain events, but once it’s over it’s over, I don’t feel any different, maybe just tired. My friends will feel a major decrease in mood and motivation the day after and depending on the event this can impact their lives for a week. The only way the events will linger in me is physically—if I get sick or have a fall, I will continue to feel that in the days after the event, but usually never anything that is more emotionally based.

This numbness kind of protects me from a sense of disappointment, but at what cost? Muted feelings are almost worse than feeling nothing.

Sometimes I’ll cry at concerts, but I kind of force the tears to fall. They’ll be small pricks in my eyes and I’ll squeeze my eyes shut really tight so they well up and eventually fall down my cheeks. This only happens at concerts that I feel as much attachment to as possible. The last time I did this, it was when I saw Harry Styles in July. But even with this feeling, it is mostly so I can feel as though I fit in. I should be crying right? That is not the kind of head space I should be in during a concert when I should be having the best time of my life. I should not be worrying about if I should be crying or if I shouldn't be; I should be primarily focused on having a good time and letting the music and the atmosphere take over my body.

The only things that can make me cry are movies, and sometimes maybe even a play. For some reason, seeing the actors and being surrounded by their conversation and not letting my mind wander is what really gets me. I’m so hyper focused on their words that I can’t think any of my own.

Maybe that’s why I feel so muted.

Because I’m always thinking about something else at the same time I’m experiencing something.

But if I can do this at a movie theater, why does it not happen at a concert venue? Why am I not completely embraced by the words and melodies coming from the artist's mouth?

It feels weird to write this out because I did not realize the extent to which the numbness consumed me until now. I did not anticipate that by writing all of this I would become numb to my own words and feelings about this topic. I feel more numb and muted now than I did at the beginning of writing this.

Has anyone else felt this?