Living With BPD
Borderline Personality Disorder: Not All It's Cracked Up To Be
Most of us have seen that movie. You know, the one where the girl goes to live at a psychiatric hospital, she doesn't really pay attention to anything around her, she makes friends with some different kinds of people, and just tries to survive. That movie is called Girl Interrupted, and it shows only a small portion of what living with the mental disorder Borderline Personality is like. Movies often poke fun of or romanticize mental illnesses, but that just leads to the audience not really and truly understanding it.
Most movies play out to just throw medicine or drugs at a problem, and boom, it's fixed. Well, I'm here to say that it isn't the best fix in the world for some people. Not everyone can fit into a tiny little mental disorder box, and that's ok. Here's a little insight into my life and how I personally cope with having this issue, on top of many other mental issues and physical issues.
Borderline can be, and usually is, very difficult to live with, especially if you're anything like me and choose not to medicate via pharmaceuticals. I absolutely hate having to deal with it, but I would rather choose to feel all my emotions, than be drugged up and not feeling anything at all. I was diagnosed a couple years back, and the ex I was living with was adamant about me getting some sort of help for it. Now, I'm not knocking the therapist or psychologist part of things, but the thought of medication just made me want to punch something. Alas, I agreed, sought help, talked to a psychiatrist, and got some medications. I took them and hoo-boy did I feel like an utter mess. My head always hurt, my stomach was groggy, it made me tired almost all day every day, and I just simply didn't feel good anymore. I used to think, "Well, at least now I'm not angry all the time!" but, little did I realize, that was a much much worse option for me.
I ended up becoming even more secluded than usual, I didn't talk to hardly anyone anymore, I never went out, I never cried, I never laughed unless it was forced... It just messed me up. I felt completely blank. I felt like you could take a whiteboard marker and draw a face on it so I had any sort of emotion, but I still wouldn't feel it.
So, needless to say, I got off the meds and left the ex, and started to try to figure myself out, tried to figure out what works best for me. I'm still doing that to this day because I realized something: You more than likely will never figure out who you are or what you want out of life, but that's ok. Not knowing is one of the best parts of life, otherwise, where's the adventure? The challenge?
On top of not taking meds, I noticed that being in a healthy relationship helps my brain too. I met someone and ended up moving across the country to a whole new state and way of living, and that completely changed my life. I no longer have anyone looking down on me because of my illness. My partner helps me, loves me, and never fails to try and understand my illness and what they can do to help. I never get told anymore that I'm too much to handle, though I constantly say it about myself. I warned my partner! Being with me wasn't even easy for my own family! I warned them about how I can get angry over nothing in a split second, how I argue all the time, and about how my depression takes over a lot. There's a lot that goes into dealing with BPD, but having an understand and patient partner helps so much. Some of those that have BPD are very codependent, myself being one. If you can avoid a relationship though, I suggest working on yourself before getting into one. It's not easy for us, but it's not easy for them either.
I have also figured out that smoking CBD helps my anxiety that comes with Borderline. Before living with my current partner, I had only heard about it. Now that I'm in a state where things like that are sold in most head shops, it was easy to try. Once I tried it, I realized this stuff actually helps me. I'm less anxious all the time, I stop and slow down my thoughts before I react to what was said or done, and it helps to overall relax.
Having Borderline Personality Disorder is a little bit like Bipolar. Our emotions are flying like crazy, all the time. Our good streaks and bad streaks are more frequent and last a shorter amount of time than those with Bipolar. Not saying that it's any harder, because really, let's not start comparing and having pissing contest on who's disability is worse. That's not what I'm here to do.
Finding your stress outlet is super important too. I have yet to figure out what works best for me, so that's why I'm trying this. I'm going to write. I write about a lot of things, or at least, I used to, before I got so cut off from the world that I didn't know what to do with myself. I may not be good at it, but it does help me. I write stories with main characters that suffer from mental disorders or physical ailments, I write about the LGBTQ+ community and fiction that can come out of that, I write a lot of different things. But I've noticed that I always find myself in little tiny parts of everything that I write.
Listening to music is another great way I've learned for my outlets. I turn my music up and sing out until my heart bleeds. I also have a punching bag on the back of my bedroom door that helps when there is too much negative energy floating around my head.
Last but not least, I suggest looking into yourself. Your energy, your spirituality, the way you go about every day. I wake up every day starting with positive thoughts. Even if I have to force them out, I work on it before I get out of bed. I tell myself every day that I'm going to have a good day, and that it's ok even if it turns out not so good. I tell the universe what I want, and it generally turns out to work with me. I tell the universe that I'm going to have a good night sleep, do what I need to have that good night's sleep, and it happens. I tell myself to say good morning and I love you to my partner, and that puts them in a better mood as well, aiding in my good day.
It all boils down, for me, to just force myself to be happy. I know, with this disease, it seems impossible sometimes, but it really is possible. You just have to start every day with a smile, even if it's fake!