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Living With an Undiagnosed Mentally Ill Mother

How I Missed the Warning Signs

By Jessica Smith Published 3 years ago 4 min read
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Living With an Undiagnosed Mentally Ill Mother
Photo by Reneé Thompson on Unsplash

Once again, I'm going to write another article about something that isn't easy to discuss. It's concerning my mother who may have had a mental illness for years. She never sought help for her issues. Some African Americans say there's a stigma around mental illness and seeking help in the black community. Perhaps they're right. Growing up I thought my mother's antics were "normal." As stated in my last article, she held onto the beliefs of the Worldwide Church of God years after she stopped attending their congregation. She felt like God was going to help her with all of her problems mentally and physically. Even a devout Christian would say, "God helps those who help themselves." She could've done that plenty of times before her mental breakdown. It's too late for that now.

I was also emotionally abused and made to feel a certain way because I didn't turn out the way she wanted. One day my mother hit me because I was using a dish rag to wipe the floor. The second time my mother smacked me on the back. Later that evening, I said something stupid and "blasphemous" by her account. She told my older sister right in front of my face how she "blamed herself" for why I didn't turn out "normal." Needless to say, I was in tears. On the week she and her ex-boyfriend graduated from college, she said all types of motivational things to me just before we went to a graduation party for them. She even hugged me when I told her kids were teasing me at school for being in special education classes. This was actually her ex boyfriend's idea, which I thought was a good one. That same week after the party she was emotionally abusive to both me and my sister because of her problems at work. She constantly harped on how we couldn't do anything right. She even snapped at me when I told her kids were teasing me again. My old art teacher did more to solve the problem than she did. This went on for a number of days. I still remember my sister and myself crying over those hurtful words. These are just one of several examples of how unstable she was in her mind.

When I was in elementary school, my mother thought her marriage to my abusive ex-stepdad meant she was the "bride of Christ." She based this all on following Herbert Armstrong and the Worldwide Church of God. She also thought she was an "ordained minister" in her own mind. She felt like she had the "holy spirit" when her brother supposedly "baptized her." So, she baptized those close to her including myself, my older sister, some cousins and a couple people close to the family. Somehow, this spiritual abuse tied in with her mental incapacity. She felt like she could help "heal with prayer." It almost never worked. She was also paranoid about someone or something always being after her. She thought she had very few or no friends. My mom often told us everyone she's met since she was 14-- circa 1980 was evil including my father and my older half-sister's father. The latter of whom is probably just a dead beat. She often mistrusted people even those close to her. At times, my mother would accuse people of having ill-intentions. A good example of this was my cousins' former girlfriend, whom he had a long-term relationship with. They also had three children together. Although she took a liking to my cousin's ex and even did a lot of nice things for her such as taking her to an obstetrician when she was pregnant with their first child, she often thought of her as sneaky. She even thought this ex was talking bad about her and other relatives behind our backs.

When I think about my mother, I often wonder why she warmed up to people whom she didn't particularly trust. Why did she get close to people who were no good? I don't think everyone she met was bad especially not my cousin's ex-girlfriend. But some like my abusive ex-stepfather were pretty obvious. Her ex-boyfriend turned out not to be great either. I never told anyone he molested me as a teenager mainly because it didn't happen as much. Now, he's married to his old high school sweetheart who has two children from a previous marriage. I don't deal with him anymore. I wonder if my mother knew her ex-husband and older daughter molested me this whole time. There are certain things she said in her mental stupor that gave me an indication she might have. In America, you pretty much have to be rich to afford to get a relative or spouse committed. My mother living on the streets for nearly 10 years shows how flawed the healthcare system is in the US. Although my family and I were able to get an emergency petition and my mother transported to a hospital, she was allowed to walk out of one due to several loopholes. Not having enough money is one of them. Another serious issue in this country is the homeless population. Some of whom are substance abusers or mentally ill like my mother. These homeless people who are mentally unstable need to be committed. There just aren't many places to put them.

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