Living as an Addict

by William Marks 4 months ago in addiction

In my head

Living as an Addict

Everyone is addicted to something. Some addictions are relatively harmless, and some are excessively destructive. Any addiction into excess becomes destructive. An addiction to chocolate is harmless until you suddenly realize you're 370 lbs and out of shape. That harmless addiction just became problematic.

I'm not important, I'm not famous. I'm a 40-year-old Meth addict, sitting in prison for possession of a controlled substance. I've justified selling and using meth in every way possible. For a time, I was what is called a functioning addict. I got high everyday, and went to work everyday. For a time, I even kept it from my wife. People say the only guarantee in life is death. Another guarantee, is that when dealing with drugs, the only two endings are death and prison. The lucky ones end up in prison, the smart ones figure out how to cope and live without them. Again, I'm no one important, no one famous. I've given years of my life and hurt the people in my life that mean the most to me for drugs. I'm not only addicted to meth, I'm addicted to the lifestyle of it. I can't speak too much about other drugs. Meth has always been my destruction. I'm capable of living without it, but I don't want to. I have a wife and three amazing kids that love me. I let them all down when I picked it up again. Now I get to write them letters and watch them grow up in pictures for the next few years. I did so many things to my wife that I'm not sure how she can stand to write me. Anytime anyone tried to point out to me that I had a problem, I could justify it to the point that I believed what I was saying. In no way, shape, or form is drug-dealing justifiable, yet I justified it daily. Sure, I did it to help people, but helping someone by hurting someone else is a double negative. It's almost like shooting your dog so the fleas wont hurt him. Destroying, or helping to destroy, one life to make another better can't be justified by a rational mind.

So how do we cope with our addictions? We have to be able to put our loved ones and their feelings ahead of our wants and desires. We have to decide for ourselves that we want to be the man or woman that the ones who mean the most can be proud of. We have to realize that life has so much more to offer us than drugs that are going to either kill us or take us away from the people who care about us and put us somewhere no one gives a rat's ass about us. We can go to counseling or rehab a thousand times, but until we decide that we want better for ourselves and the ones we love, nothing works!

I love my wife and kids, and I regret to say that they weren't enough of an incentive for me to stay away from everything that put me where I am now. It sounds good to say it now that it's too late to do anything about it. The real effort comes later when it's time to show them the truth by living for them instead of the addiction.

So if you live for the addiction, regardless of what the addiction is, in the end the addiction is going to win! I believed I could dominate the addiction... I was wrong! I thought I was the one in control... I was wrong! The addiction beat me! The addiction will win every time until we decide that the addiction is not worth the pain and heartache it causes the ones who care about us, and more importantly, until we decide that the addiction isn't worth the pain it causes us personally.

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