Life is Worth Suffering For

There is a powerful creative force inside everybody that grows and evolves at its own pace. Striving and pushing this process is a waste of time and energy. As I reflect upon my trials with mental health and transgressions, I question the intensity of the suffering I caused by striving to speed up the transformational process. Striving to reach a state of self-actualization before my time on this planet was up. According to Abraham Maslow, self-actualization is the highest, psychological motivational need that is often accompanied by peak experiences.

I knew I had potential and possibly even a purpose, despite, the train wreck that was mentally and emotionally my life for twenty years. When I'm able to not let fear and control direct my sails, I feel fulfilled with my lack of a career, material possessions, and love. I feel like I'm standing on a mountain peak looking across valleys at the mountains that are higher beyond. I feel successful in a different way than is perceived by societal standards and expectations. I feel this way because I overcame trials and suffering, yet know that more hardships are possible.

Everything I had learned and valued was tested, examined, and flipped upside down because I was searching for the why. With perseverance for life, patience, and acceptance that my suffering and betrayal wasn't the worse in human history, I slowly allowed the creative power within to work its magic like a grain of sand irritating a clam eventually turns into a pearl. The pearl is what is given to the world by the clam after it has overcome its suffering. The clam's purpose is the beauty that is given to encourage and inspire others to reach their highest potential.

Accepting that my life belongs to a higher source rather than my ego allowed me to give up blame and resentment. Accepting my imperfectness gave rise to self-forgiveness for poor choices and mistakes. Still, realizing that I had done my best for where I was at psychologically when mistakes were made was and is empowering.

I neither have what I wanted nor where I desired to be because I never asked the powers that created me. I couldn't see past my ego's wants and desires. I was striving for sense gratification instead of disciplining my taste for instant foods that were prepared by restaurants and listening to music that busied the mind. Reining in my senses and desires for pleasure has allowed me to enjoy the smaller moments in life whether a hawk feather laying among yellow ground flowers or an intimate moment with a significant other.

My mental health was not optimal and taken for granted before I experienced mental and emotional trauma within the workplace and during the pursuit of a college degree, but it was sufficient for where I was at and what I was doing. After trauma, psychosis, depression, and, anxiety manifested. With the help of medications, I'm doing really well compared to where I was. I think the hardest aspect of having diagnoses was and is expressing the injustice caused by others. I knew placing blame and expressing bottled-up anger was only a reflection of me and not others.

I had a lot of self-improvement and healing to do. I had to learn how to communicate well using "I" statements, listen to others who had nothing to do with my situation, and offer respect with a non-judgmental attitude. Another hard adjustment for me was accepting that other people whether in a group or in society are having a more difficult time than me. I needed to be courteous whether they were having a bad day or disliked their job, even if my livelihood, mental health, reputation, and time had been stolen.

All in all, I'm thankful for the second chance I've received to create joyful memories. Don't strive and push the creative power within and without because it only makes pain and suffering more intense. Life is a precious gift and is worth suffering for.