by Cindy Gust 8 months ago in trauma

Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks “Landslide”

My friends and family maybe want to know why I kept fucking up time and time again this past year. And why, now that it’s over I can’t go back to being my old self. You see, my old self has been changed. I’m never going to be the same. My old self is gone.

You see, I am a vulnerable adult. I have admitted it to myself. It’s time people opened their eyes and realized it as well, I am not 20 years old anymore. Nor am I even 40. Today I am 50. I’ve been through a lot in my life. So much that I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 40. And with all the trauma of methamphetamine use it’s been harder to take care of myself.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 25. At the time it was much more manageable. But as the years went on and with the traumas of two divorces, the betrayal of whom I thought was my best friend (Tony), losing two loved ones (my dad and my one true love), do I have to say more? People with bipolar disorder have a shorter life span because of all the trauma their brain already goes through just living each day. The car accident, the drinking. and the meth use. People seem to be well aware of the consequences of meth use. But they sure know nothing about brain trauma, bipolar or CPTSD. Nor (drop one letter) PTSD.

My disease got worse in just this past year, because of everything that has happened to me, I now am diagnosed with COMPLEX PTSD. This is the making of a vulnerable adult. And what I can’t seem to get past is, I can’t understand why people would abandon me in such a vulnerable state. Why did people left me so unsafe?

I have so many “why’s”? Why didn’t anybody help me fix my car so that I wasn’t always stuck there and left for prey? Why did everybody shun me and take their love away? Refuse to let me borrow a car? Come and check on me? Get angry when I tried to ask for help? Not call the police, the state, or file a complaint? Give me a place to stay? These are the things I can’t get over. And I don’t know if I ever will until the day I’m dead, which will probably be about 10 years.

This is such a sad state of affairs. I don’t know what else more to say. As much as I love you all, I can’t get the pain and anger to go away. So now I see what everybody has been saying about how I am the one to show by example. Because I forgive you all, even though it hurts like hell. So if you should see me cry out of the blue, know it’s nothing personal, just the pain that keeps popping through. And if I should scream and holler out of the blue, just know it’s got nothing to do with you. I’m just reliving a nightmare, flashbacks and wondering what to do.

I’m actually glad all of this happened to me, it’s true. Because I can take the pain, and I don’t believe anybody else could. So I wish no revenge on anybody, even though it may sometimes seem like I do. I’m doing the best that I can to get through this without hurting any of you too. I’ll be okay, one day at a time. Hopefully, soon, this nightmare will just go away. But I really don’t know if it will. Only time will tell, I guess we’ll see, somehow I will get through this, just please have a little patience with me. Thank you. And if you can practice I’ll a little patience I promise you I will try too.

Cindy Gust
Cindy Gust
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Cindy Gust

49 years old, from Wisconsin USA. I aspire to be a best selling author. In the process of writing my first book! I am a wellness advocate for doTERRA essential oils, I love making DIY skin care products with essential oils.

See all posts by Cindy Gust