Is It Just Me

Do you ever have those days where you're not sad, you're not happy, you're not really anything. You don't feel any specific sort of way. You're just here. You're just existing. Except, you don't feel like you're existing. Nothing feels real but you are here. You are moving, working, driving, and breathing. But everything is just different today, distant, foggy.

Your brain is in a fog. Your going about your day and you realize that you're distant but you are trying so hard to stay in the moment. You're trying to listen to conversations. You're trying to pay attention to the world around you. But no matter how hard you try, your mind keeps slipping away. And it's not like disassociating. It's a bit more uncontrolled and depressing then that. I love to disassociate, I know it's not good but it's an escape for me that I have some creative control over. I don't have control over whatever this is. I don't enjoy it. People talk but you can't listen, you can't focus on anything, no matter how hard you try.

I seem to come off as rude or as sad or as tired. But I'm not really any of these things. I'm trying hard to be present. I'm trying hard to engage and be productive. Despite my efforts though, my mind disappears each time, into the fog. Is this normal? Surely not. Is it my depression, manifesting in a new way? Possibly. I don't feel depressed, just lost... distant. I don't feel like I exist. I don't feel real. Everything feels like a dream, like I'm walking with no destination or purpose.

The only thing that keeps coming forward in my mind is the strong urge to just lay down. Not in a bed. Not on my couch. I don't want to sleep. All I want to do is to find a clear patch of land, dirt, grass, field, any form of earthy patch and just lay down. I want to feel grass or moss under my hands. I want to reconnect with reality. The world is so fuzzy and fake right now. What's not fake? The earth. I don't know why this one, single urge is the only thought I can keep any attention on but I want it so bad. I want to just run my hand over a mossy rock. I want to dig my bare feet in the dirt or mud even. I want to sit in a shallow stream and fidget with the stones in the water. I want to reconnect. I want to be present.

But I don't. I don't satisfy the itch my mind and soul is screaming for me to do. I don't find a park, or go out into my yard and lay down. I don't go to one of the many beautiful nature parks along my daily work route and just touch nature and breathe fresh air. I stay seated in my car... waiting for my next job... staring at yet another screen... feeling strange and fuzzy and distant. I wish I was more spontaneous. I wish I could care less of how others would see or think of me if they saw me just playing around with rocks and leaves on the side of a nature trail. I'm so tired of worrying about what other's think. I'm tired of ignoring my instincts to seem just a little more normal for the world. But here I am, doing it again. Is it just me, or is the world just a bit to much sometimes?