Introduction + Entry #1

by Harmony Myers 10 months ago in coping

Necessary Knowledge for Understanding Later Entries

Introduction + Entry #1

My name is Harmony Myers. I am freshly 18-years-old. I just turned such in late October. I am a freshman in college, and I am engaged.

These last few years of my life have gone by faster than I could’ve hoped to perceive. I try to keep track of the years by specific “landmarks," big events to remember. But, I have a desperately poor memory, so I’ve forgotten most everything.

The earliest memory I have is from just a year ago. Mid-November of 2017. I tried to kill myself. I don’t remember anything before that day specifically. My mother even told that after the event, I seemed like a different person completely, and this eventually led to her kicking me out of the house during my senior year. Of course I still knew things about myself. I knew things that had happened to me. I can’t remember them personally though.

I know that I lived in Japan from ages two to six. I know that my parents were divorced when I was 8. I know that my brother was born when I was nine. I know that I started high school when I was 13. But for the life of me, I can’t recall in detail my experiences or even who I was at those points in my life.

So this brings me to the purpose of this journal. This will be a dumping ground for my experiences and how I currently feel about them. I hope through this, I can recall my memories and bring back my reasoning for trying to kill myself. I hope to learn who I was and what changed me so deeply that I chose to throw everything away and start anew.

I will start this process in this same entry. All the psychologists and psychiatrists I have talked to have told me that I developed depression after my parents’ divorce. I don’t recall being very upset about it. I personally feel as though I understood it. My mother has recalled to me the nature of the marriage. How my father was (and is still) an alcoholic and how they would constantly argue. How towards the end, they both cheated on each other. Of course I wouldn’t have known this as a child, but I feel like I understood enough to know that the divorce was for the best. Like most children, I chose to live with my mother; while my father decided to leave our lives completely. I practically didn’t see him at all for two years. (Though, when I confronted him about it many years later, he denies he left me at all.) Truthfully, I don’t recall that time at all. It was my mother who told me that he refused to see me. And, my mother has proven to be a vindictive and manipulative woman.

During a session with one of the many psychologists I have tried, the doctor was convinced that my father had molested me at one point. I could not confirm or deny this. Sadly, it doesn’t seem out of the realm of what my father is capable of while drunk, but I have no memory of any such thing happening. I do once recall my father coming home drunk and getting into my bed naked when I was very young, but the scene is so foggy in my head, and it ends just with that. Who could say if that was even real or if it was a dream.

Since I don’t clearly recall any solid memories, I don’t wish to paint anyone as a villain. My father is a very, very flawed man. He is problematic at the least, but I will not claim that he’s downright evil for something that I’m not sure ever happened.

I’m going to end this entry here. It feels unfinished to me, but I get the feeling that they all will. Good night, all.

Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Harmony Myers

Young college student. Aspiring endocrinologist. I come from poverty and homelessness. I have a lot to say about my experiences with mental health and how it has affected my life.

See all posts by Harmony Myers