I Didn't Hate Myself Today Did You?

I got up and drank my lemon water. I took 3 minutes to meditate. I know it's not long, but it is challenging for me. It is new to me, but I've read meditation has excellent benefits.

As my thoughts began to drift, usually to terrorize me, they brought me to sadness. I found more things out about my ex that were devastating but sad at the same time. I tried to help her and understand, but I'm accepting it's impossible. I'm working on releasing anger and accepting forgiveness, not of her, but for myself.

I am accepting the past exactly how it is. Knowing I can't change it and to dwell on it is utter self-sabotage. My ex's abuse is for her to own, not mine.

It's was a bit dreary today, but I went for my 5-mile walk; it's been a while. Half my walk, I listened to my coaching session with Meredith Miller again. Then the other half, I listened to the city. I noticed the birds, squirrels nervously looking for food, the wind, the cool raindrops hitting my forehead, and the wind on the trees. Sunday mornings are quiet in the city before 9 am. It's a different feel if you stay in the moment and don't let the thoughts creep in.

I got home and drove Uber for a couple of hours to hit my bonus, then came home and took a bath. It's weird for a guy, I guess, but I love to take baths and read. That's precisely what I did while sipping my freshly prepared spinach, oatmeal, blueberry, strawberry, maple syrup, and almond milk smoothie.

Afterward, I held to my word, and I went and watched the football game with my nephews(Who Dey!). I need to get better at keeping my word, especially with them, and they enjoy spending time with me.

I often drifted back to the good times with my ex. I pass her house on the way to my nephews and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I hope she is taking care of herself. My reaction to my anger is what's destroying me, and it's not my ex's actions and abuse.

I printed off some forms I needed from my sisters for a self-worth course I am taking. It's difficult for me to start things that I know will help me, but I'm forcing myself through this course and doing what my coach, Meredith Miller of Inner Integration, suggested I do.

After the game, I came home and prepared a healthy dinner; I usually order Doordash or eat somewhere because it's more convenient living alone. Today was a self-care day, free from self-sabotage and terrorizing thoughts.

I need to do something different if I want to see a positive change. Self-destructive behavior is no longer serving its purpose; I hope it's not too late.

Before I went to bed, I watched a video on homeless people that race shopping carts downhills in Canada. It looked fun! I'm fascinated by those with so much potential but won't make an effort to show the world what they have to offer. They seem stuck in a self-deprecating mode they can't break free from, a miserable comfort.

I love the homeless people in my city. They call me smiles; at least some of them do. Little do they know what lies underneath the smile the majority of the time.

Maybe why it fascinates me is because that is me. I know I have something to offer but won't go through the pain to find it. The only difference between them and me is I have an apartment, and they live on the streets.

So, it's on to tomorrow. I hope tomorrow is a duplicate of today. But I love to repeat my history of misery. I hope I can keep my demons at bay one day at a time as I work the recovery process.