How to Mourn Stability
An essential guide for falling the hell apart
It's the easiest thing in the world to do poorly or falter in life, all we have to do is reverse the drive to survive and there we are; broken and aimless, let's talk about it...
Sitting in my usual spot I today I haven't been able to find an escape from the financial and legal doom that I'll be facing when I can't make rent or, credit payments, or service payments on the breathalyzer in my car. It occurred to me that in my my short time on this planet I've watched comfort, normalcy, stability or whatever you want to call it, die more times than actual living things. I always recover, like maybe hopefully the people I'm trying to relate to do too. How to mourn stability:
1) Deny deny deny! Tell everyone around you that everything is fine, you have a new lease on life and you're focused on the future, your checkered past is merely a scar and it doesn't define you. Lie profusely to yourself, say to yourself and others ad nauseum that you can do it alone, and do everything to prove it no matter what the cost, because you can change your flawed way of thinking with your way of thinking.
2) Get mad. Yell at your phone when the call for the dream job doesn't come, and throw out the trash forcefully as if you could control it's emotions better than your own. Blame society and the world for being imperfect and creating the conditions that led to you're failure. Curse your family, friends, and past lovers for putting you through a life of trauma and hardship and being self-centered. Hate yourself for getting into a difficult position, again.
3) Pray to something, or someone or anything to send you a sign or hope or some form of relief from the mess you've made of yourself. Give in to superstition and forget self reliance, and personal accountability. Accept the worst possible alternative to avoid the utter catastrophe that you're on the brink of. sell out morally, divorce yourself from your core principles and head to bargain street with your neatly packaged values in hand.
4) Drink. It's all because of this anyway so double down and wallow in it, hate yourself, be sad and drunk and lose control altogether. Piss yourself if you want to, and spend your mornings dry heaving and puking in the shower, screw it. Also, make sure you over eat on the regular, nothing but fast food and gain 35 pounds in record time. Sucking at life sucks and you suck and everything sucks so this should suck. Sleep fourteen hours, don't shower or change your clothes, and for the love of all that's holy if you could still love, don't leave the house for days. If you do leave the house, keep it brief, be antisocial, and only do it to restock on fast food and beer. Go back beneath your rock, and repeat.
5) Accept it once and for all. Finish binge drinking and eating crap and recognize, then reluctantly acknowledge that you dug the hole, your actions led you to this place because you were either too proud to ask for help or too stubborn to accept it, and now you have to climb out, one grueling step at a time. Take a shower, shave your face, stand up straight and go back to the job you despise. Go out and embrace the sun again, and do whatever you have to do to become okay with being you. Stop hurting yourself, because this is how progress is made and how hope flourishes. You'll still be alive tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and that's something... The only thing better is breaking the cycle, or in my case, dreaming of it.