How Narcissists Take the Blame
Never expect a sincere apology from a narcissist
They don’t, actually.
If you’ve ever met someone who can never admit to doing any wrong, they’re probably a narcissist. Narcissists will blame everyone else for what’s wrong in their lives and for their own mistakes, but it’s nearly impossible for them to admit that they had a hand in their own destruction.
The Narcissist at Fault
Narcissists will blame anyone rather than just apologizing for what they’ve done. It is nearly impossible for them to see themselves at fault for things. If you point out their mistakes, they’ll argue with you until you give in, block them, or they have something else to do with their time.
Here are some cases where you can pinpoint the narcissist solely in the way they deal with life’s everyday issues:
- Issues at work—If the narcissist gets written up at work for a mistake they made, they will quickly throw the blame at a coworker in their department. Once they’re out of the manager’s office, they’ll start telling anyone who will listen that their manager is out for them.
- Issues with friendships—Narcissists who have trouble making or keeping friends won’t look within to see that it’s them, they’ll blame their significant other or other friends. The narcissist will accuse other people in their lives of talking negatively about them. Normally, it’s the narcissist’s need to judge and look down on others that works to chase away potential friends. They’ll even blame people who are no longer in their lives for smear campaigns (when the narcissist is the one hosting smear campaigns and trying to ruin their victim’s life).
- Issues with family members—When the narcissist has any kind of disagreement with a family member, they will do everything they can to make everyone think that family member is crazy. They project their own mental illness and irrational thoughts on the people closest to them (this includes close friends, as well).
The Paranoid Narcissist
Paranoia isn’t specific to narcissists, but when they feel like life is out of their control, this sense that someone (or everyone) is out to get them can set in. The narcissist will get even more defensive, attacking others for nearly anything. Even a simple question of how life is going can be like throwing a grenade—the narcissist will turn everything into an argument and an attack. And then they start their smear campaign because you were the one who started the argument (in their mind).
What’s the Issue?
The narcissist somehow misses the ability to look inward and evaluate themselves to see that they are the problem. It’s not a matter of too much self-confidence, as narcissists can be lacking in all self-confidence (which is why they hurt others, it seems to make them feel better about themselves when they belittle those who they perceive as more confident).
Where most people can admit when they make a mistake in a relationship, the narcissist is not to blame at all, in their own eyes. If they can’t find a valid reason to lay the blame directly on the other party, they will only take partial responsibility (even if all of the responsibility lies on their shoulders). They’ll chalk it up to a “misunderstanding,” rather than admitting that they only ever cared about themselves and their own opinion on the matter.
If they take any amount of blame, maybe for treating your poorly one day (when you didn't do anything to provoke them—like looking at them wrong in my mom's case), they've have some other reason for their negative actions, like:
- I'm on my period, so I am extra bitchy.
- I had a rough day at work today, I'm stressed.
And so on...
People in control of their emotions do their best not to take a bad day out on the people they care about, and when they do they apologize—without the excuses!
A narcissist’s apology will always include some sort of backhanded comment. “I’m sorry I accused you of that, but you really did this thing that made it, so you’re to blame and not me.” You’ll never get a sincere apology. Either you’re at fault, or you’re mostly at fault and made them the way they are.
Tired of Taking the Blame for a Narcissist?
Unless your life because something their no longer jealous of, these attacks will never stop. That’s the thing—narcissists attack those who they perceive as having things better than they do. When your life goes into the shitter, suddenly, they’ll be your best friend again or a loving spouse. Once things get going good for you again, everything will go back to the usual, with you being the bad guy in their story.
Your only way to freedom, aside from living a miserable life, is to get out of that relationship. The taint from the relationship may follow you for a while, as the narcissist begins a smear campaign. You can bet they won’t lose easily, and they may pit other people against you.
The key to survival is to focus on your own self-care and remember that anyone the narcissist turns against you never belonged in your life in the first place. Don’t let the narcissist pull you down to their level—just keep living your life and being the level-headed person you know you are!
If you’d like more information on letting go of the negative (whether it’s people or something else) from your life, please reach out. Visit me at my website to learn more about what I offer and my credentials as a Holistic Life Coach and Spiritual Counselor.
I’m working on my memoir about the abuse I’ve lived through all of my life. I will be seeking a publisher sometime in 2020.